Girl Works

Embrace the ridiculous

2009-10-31T19:39:00.000-07:00

I've nothing super smarty rattling in my head this week, so it seems a good time to be ridiculous. In exactly one week, I will be in Sin City, the Happiest Place on Earth. I know a number of people who are boggled by this. I rarely take vacations, but when I do, I go to Vegas.

The boggled types say to me, "If you want to see Paris, why would you go to a cheap knock-off in Vegas? Go to Paris!"

Um, right. My trip to Vegas is costing me exactly $22 in airfare thanks to my AmEx points. Maybe I'll live in Happy Cashflow Land in my next life.

I don't go to Vegas because I feel I can do Europe on the cheap. I'm not a moron. (Although the creperie at Paris Las Vegas is mighty fine, I must say.) I go to Vegas because it's absolutely, utterly RIDICULOUS.

Perhaps a visual reference will help to emphasize my point.

Yes, that's me. At the Caesar's Forum Shops. With a ginormous griffin.

I repeat: A ginormous griffin at the mall. Right there adjacent to Victoria's Secret.

THIS is why I love Vegas. I make a point of embracing the ridiculous at every opportunity. Why? Because life is really bloody difficult, especially these days. Many people who know me only through online life very likely perceive me as 16 year-old at a slumber party. My online repertoire mainly encompasses chatting about menfolk and shoes. I actually love this about me because during the day I'm...well, older than 16, and I've spent the last couple years learning lots of things I never wanted to learn.

The company I work for has been particularly hard hit by this recession, and, being HR, I've had to personally say goodbye to over 60 co-workers. They rage at me, cry, spill their fears, all those things they need to do. I've done everything I can to listen, comfort, and assist them as they work through that transition. It's stressful, guilt-ridden, exhausting, yet ultimately gratifying work knowing that I'm making this as "easy" as possible for them. (And striving onward and upward to prove that we HR types don't always suck.)

But it is work. And it calls for very grown-up skills. Even if we weren't in the midst of scary economic times, my workdays are all about strategy, counseling, risk management, compliance, investigation, and all those activities that could possibly turn me into a boring adult.

So, when I'm not doing that, I make a point of being ridiculous. I don't know any other way to bring balance to the Force. (Knew I'd get a fangirl reference in there somehow.) And when you're in Vegas, it's nearly impossible to think about anything unpleasant because you are so overwhelmed by the ridiculous at every turn.

Where else on the planet can you encounter Elvis, Darth Vader, and Spongebob all within a matter of hours?

Find me one other locale where I can fondle a $4,000 Dior handbag while sucking down a margarita as the beefcake security guards flirt with me. (No, I don't care that they're actually paid to do that in order to encourage me to recklessly max out my credit card while inebriated. I'm having a good time here!)

The very first time I went to Vegas with the girls, we spent an evening having dinner at Quarks at the now (sadly) defunct Star Trek Experience. Within moments of sitting down, we were accosted by a Klingon demanding, "Where is the man in charge of these women?" followed soon after by a Ferengi duo who were quite taken by the one among us who was showing the most skin (you know who you are!). I've no doubt that the gangs of fanboys who'd arrived for dinner were none too happy that a table of women had commandeered the geek playtime for a good hour or more, but I'm fairly certain that the heavily-costumed actors were taken by surprise that we actually knew our Trekkie shiznit. That was our time; ridiculous, fabulous (if we do say so ourselves), and full of the glee brought on by the Rikerita.

What's not to love about that? Viva Las Vegas, baby.

Lessons from sci-fi that you can apply to any career

2009-10-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

Being a Geeky Fangirl, there’s no way around my drawing parallels between real life and sci-fi/fantasy. It just is. So, today, I’ve rounded up very valuable career advice, no matter your field, from the likes of Star Wars, Stargate Universe, and Milla Jovovich. Why?

Well, lots of people think HR sucks, which is largely the fault of many people who practice it. This notion of a bunch of rule-bound killjoys didn’t come out of nowhere. When I first stepped into my current job, the first thing I’d start hearing when I came down the hall was, “Uh-oh, here comes the HR Nazi.” (snicker, ha ha) To which I’d respond, “That’s Borg Queen to you, dude.”

That at least got their attention. I’ve since been very aware of how this role is perceived and what I can do to reform that image. Along the way, I’ve identified lessons learned from science fiction that are easily applicable to any career. These lessons can certainly be found in other genres, but I’m a GenX Geek. Sci-fi is the language of my people.

Lesson 1 - A fabulous pair of boots always improves job performance.
Looking fabulous = feeling fabulous = POWER. Can you imagine Uhuru without the boots? Seriously. Would she have been able to work it while wearing loafers? I think not.

Or Alice in Resident Evil. (Some call this horror; but weapons-grade zombie virus is sci-fi in my book.) Yeah, Milla Jovovich would be fabulous wearing a Hefty bag and Crocs, but you knew she was going to mess zombies up the minute you saw those moto boots.

And don’t even try to tell me that those Jedi boots aren’t responsible for giving Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi his killer bounce in The Phantom Menace. In fact, that killer bounce is the only thing TPM has going for it. If only he’d used it on Jar Jar.

Lesson 2 - Even if you really are the expert, you have to be charming.
Nobody likes a know-it-all. The only reason we wanted C3PO to be well was because it would make R2 woefully sad if he weren’t. Threepio is like the snotty cousin we always tricked into looking at the cool thing in the back corner of Grandma’s basement. Once he did, we’d run out and lock him in with nothing but jars of pickles. He was that annoying.

Now take Leeloo from The Fifth Element. She is the smartest person in the history of forever. Not only does she know everything that’s ever happened (after mere hours on a computer), but she also knows everything that’s going to happen; and she’s here to save us all. Talk about annoying!

But instead of wanting to lock her in the back of the basement with the pickles, I want to be her BFF. I know that (once she learned English) she could lecture me on everything from the socio-political climate of 13th century China to quantum physics. Despite that know-it-all cred, I still want to be around her because she also guffaws loudly, shamelessly crams her cake hole when she’s hungry, and cries when others are in pain. Charm and humor will take you miles toward making sure your expertise is heard and valued.

Lesson 3 - If you are really cocky, you also need to have a really big heart.
Han Solo. That’s all I need say. (He shot first, by the way. Just throwing that out there.)

Lesson 4 - You need to upset the boss when it really matters.
I’ve made no secret of my fangirling Camille Wray on Stargate Universe. This, in part, is due to the fact that the only other HR character on TV is Toby from The Office. Every HR person on the planet has an Inner Toby. His expression reveals: ABJECT DEFEAT. We’ve all been there. But at the end of the day, Toby is a corporate drone with issues majeur (and very likely has a cat named Pam).

But Camille Wray actually represents. On the most recent episode, she steps front and center into the quagmire of who gets a spot on the survivor shuttle and who gets to die when the ship flies into a star. The moment she appears in Colonel Young’s doorway, he gives her that irritated, “What?” followed by a tense, unpleasant exchange about how to choose the survivors. On a pure audience level, I was riveted. On a Lessons Learned from Sci-Fi level, I laughed because I’ve been on the receiving end of that “What?” when showing up in the boss’ doorway during difficult times to present my ideas. But if I’m not upsetting the boss with my unsolicited, sometimes forceful, opinion on the big stuff, I’m not doing my job. Once HR becomes an upper management lapdog, the company flounders.

However, I do try to implement Lesson 2 (be charming!) on a daily basis, which ensures that the boss always saves me a seat among the survivors, even if I get all up in his grill now and again. (And, please, no yipping at the boss when you can handle it yourself. Save those silver bullets.)

Lesson 5 - You need a clear vision coupled with the right incentives.
Let’s go back to Star Wars. (I always do.) Stormtroopers can’t hit the broad side of a barn. Why? It’s not because they’re clones or because they’re bad guys and have to lose. It’s because they can’t see! Short of that, what do you need? The Force! Yet over the course of several years, nobody teaches the Stormtroopers how to hone their intuition or even to take off the blinders so they can see what they’re supposed to be aiming at.

On the other hand, Boba Fett nearly always succeeds, even though his vision is equally, if not more, obscured. But what do we know about Boba Fett, even though we never see his face? He’s always thinking! Every time you see him you immediately recognize that he’s working things out. He’s standing just off to the side, sussing out the situation, and then BOOM there’s Han in a big block of carbonite. Why? Big fat bank roll from Jabba! Boba Fett always has his goal front and center in his mind. We know what motivates him. What motivates Stormtroopers? Fear of being throttled by the boss.

Lesson 6 - Put down the Crackberry. Just for a little while.
“Open the pod bay door, HAL!”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

Your phone wants you to know that you have work email. But it’s Sunday morning. You don’t need to check it. No, you don’t. Really. You can ignore the phone. If somebody you love is dying, you won’t find out via work email. If the world is ending, you’ll feel that coming on very shortly, I promise. There’s no reason to pick up that phone and see which of your co-workers is emailing you on a Sunday morning.

Instead, eat some bacon. Better yet, go out for breakfast with your spouse, your kids, your friends, your parents, your grandma, whoever. Don’t let your smart phone outsmart you by robbing you of time with those who are real and human and keep you that way. Don’t be like Dave. Keep your techno-tools in their place. If they get out of line, show ‘em who’s boss.

And then go by some fabulous boots.

By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes

2009-10-23T19:35:00.000-07:00

Must do ubiquitous Halloween post!

Unlike my sister, the lovely and talented Vivi Alden, I'm not a huge Halloween fan. Since I don't have kids, Halloween doesn't mean a whole lot, and the only trick-or-treaters we get are high school boys who don't even make a costume effort.

But when when were kids, it was the most glorious time of the year. Our mom would take us to the fabric store in September, and my sister and I would pour over pattern books to search out the perfect costume.

As I've mentioned before, I am a geek. Not a gaming geek. And certainly not a techno-geek...which should be obvious by the stark condition of my blog. The extent of my coding expertise involves doing this or doing that. Rock on.

No, my brand of geek is fangirl. My geeky fangirl phase began about five minutes into my first viewing of Star Wars, and it's held momentum ever since. Actually, the seed was planted at an even younger age when I watched Star Trek reruns with my dad, but, at the time, my main concern was marrying Dr. McCoy when I grew up.

It likely goes without saying that my very first geeky fangirl idol was Princess Leia, and this particular costume amounted to holy quest. Mom and I strategized this costume because it couldn't be found in the pattern book. She proposed using a simple, medieval princess dress pattern, but she'd construct it only of white fabric. I loved this idea. Finally, I'd be able to walk in the figurative shoes of my idol.

So Mom sewed the white dress, and she searched a number of drug stores for just the right hair apparatus in order to form my unruly, thick hair into Princess Leia's famous coiff. (This was no small feat in Anchorage, Alaska at that time.)

The dress was perfect. The hair was perfect. It was all perfect.

And then I was talking to my BFF at the time, our next door neighbor who was neither geeky nor fangirly. She was, in fact, already perfect (or so my young mind perceived). We were excitedly discussing the Halloween party she was going to have in her garage, as well as the party we'd have in school, and she asked me what my costume was going to be.

"Princess Leia! It's so cool!" I responded with glee.

And then she laughed. And laughed. And then yelled out at other people about what I was going to do. Since she laughed, they laughed. And somewhere in there was, "Oh my God, you're going to put donuts in your hair, and everything?" More laughter.

That was that.

I hurried home and informed my mom that I was no longer going to be Princess Leia because that was SO UNCOOL. I didn't tell her that my best friend just mocked me across the school yard. I just pretended that I was pre-pubescent and fickle.

After realizing that I was unmoved by her disappointment after all the work she'd put into it, Mom, always the trooper, jumped into action. She added fanciful gold trim to the dress and made me crown of cardboard, gold foil, and sequins. She even lent me her fabulous gold belt to cinch the waist of the dress so I could be more fairytale regal than the sci-fi variety.

Sorry, Mom. I should have gone with my gut. The Princess Leia costume would've rocked. Just like all the other costumes you made. I'm sure my "best friend" was just jealous that her mom didn't make her costumes.

So here's to the Halloween costume that never was. And also to the fact that I no longer put so much stock - or invest my friendship! - in those who would mock me.

This blog needs a makeover, and so do you!

2009-10-20T18:33:00.000-07:00

Don't worry, as much as I idolize Stacy London, I will not force you to stand in front of a three-way mirror in your over-sized holiday sweater and tapered jeans. (But for the love of God, if you own a holiday sweater, donate it to someone's grandmother. The tapered jeans will just have to go entirely.)

But, you, ladies, need an attitude makeover. These come in a variety of options, but today's attitude makeover is all about re-thinking your need to tear down other women in the workplace.

I really cringe to say this, but the fact of the matter is that, in my experience, the more women we have in a company, the more drama there is. As staffing ebbs and flows, the drama factor in the office can be directly correlated to the number of female employees. Mind you, I work with some incredible, intelligent, innovative, kick-ass women. But they are the minority. I have always worked for mid-sized firms, and, unfortunately, I have always found this to be the case.

Is this where we are in 2009? Really? Do we actually think that our male co-workers and managers will take us seriously if we become caught up in who said what to whom and whose turf is being trespassed?

Listen, I know that there are people who annoy the crap out of you! I get it. Some people are just mean. Some people can't see their way clear to rise above the petty. Some women are so riddled with insecurities and self-esteem issues that it would take a decade or more of therapy to dig their way out of it.

Or maybe someone just rubs you the wrong way. But that's okay! We're not supposed to be BFF's. We're supposed to be co-workers. Professionals who check our issues at the door and work together toward a common purpose.

What if, right now, you decided to stop participating in the high school games? What if you made a conscious decision to stop giving your power over to somebody else and letting her/him get a rise out of you? What if you decided to learn how to get your emotions under control?

Gender bias in America is alive and well, and we still have a lot of hurdles to overcome. Women in the U.S. still make only $.77 for every $1.00 men make for equitable work. Women pay more for medical insurance (and dry cleaning!). And we are still fighting for family leave rights despite federal and state protection. The list goes on.

These are issues that require thoughtful, concerted efforts to overcome. We aren't doing ourselves any favors by muddying the waters with gossip, backstabbing, playing the victim, and/or manipulating male coworkers with tears. It's okay to cry in the toilet stall once in a blue moon on a bad day, but to plunk in a manager's office with your tale of woe? This isn't getting us anywhere.

What's worse is that when real work issues arise between women, good luck being taken seriously if previous behavior indicated a gaggle of high school girls. Your bad behavior rubs off on all of us, so even those women who do behave professionally have a hard time when those issues arise.

So there it is. We need a revolution against all these petty squabbles and behaviors that hold us back. Imagine what we could do if we focused our energies on working together instead of tearing each other apart? What if we just stopped assuming that every look, tone, and gesture was somehow a personal attack? What if we understood that we're all - women and men - facing numerous challenges in our work and private lives. It isn't all about you. It isn't all about me. It's all about us.

What if!

And yes, this blog needs a Stacy London makeover. I'm working on it.

I'm bringin' blogging back. Yeah!

2009-10-18T20:43:00.000-07:00

My sister, the fabulous and talented star of Cursing in Heels, recently harassed me to do NaNoWriMo with her. The thing is, I like to make ridiculous excuses like: How can I possibly be expected to devote a month to writing a novel when we are heading into the holiday season? (FYI I have no children, only a couple relatives live close enough to gather, and, frankly, I don’t like Thanksgiving food.)

I had the thought that maybe I should try a baby step by at least blogging again and see where that goes. And instead of just the usual blogging blah blah, come up with actual, ya know, topics!

I’m no good at the focused sort of blogging, like my hero, Laurie Ruettimann, does with Punk Rock HR. Yes, I am HR. Deal with it. I’ll defend my honor at a future date. But I can’t commit 100% to the topic of HR…or to a tattoo, or a paint color for my bathroom, or a signature scent, or what I really want to be when I grow up. Story of my life.

So, diversity of topics is where I’m at. Except I can’t actually think of one right now, so I’ll just warm up my blogging muscles with another edition of:

Here’s What I Think!
(Because I realize that my vast fanbase has been experiencing cliff hangeritis for the past six months.)

I think that spicy chai from Café Ladro is particularly awesome.

I think that people who complain need to start bringing solutions. It’s a package deal, like dating someone with children. (Um okay, not really like that at all.) Want to bitch? Then bring an idea with your rant. Otherwise, shut it. (I apply this to myself as well since I fail miserably at it.)

I think that my horoscope for today is really accurate (ergo stupid, according to the voice in my head). It reads, in part: Think things through rationally, and try not to let your desire to be liked limit your options. Right, stop laughing.

I think that Las Vegas is the happiest place on Earth, and I can’t wait to get there in November.

I think I need a Twitter intervention.

I think that my Twitter habit is merely a manifestation of my constant need to have conversations with myself. (It’s genetic, I can’t help it. Ask my sister.) Talk it through, talk it through.

I think that women need to stop wearing sweats that say JUICY on the butt. Juicy-butt sweats are horrible and evil and the root cause of both the recession and the Housewives shows on Bravo. (Or something like that.)

I think that life is really, really difficult right now, and maybe we should cut each other some slack. (Except for Balloon Boy’s parents.)

I think it’d be really fantastic to be an inter-planetary archeologist. If you know anyone with whom I could schedule an informational interview, I’ll send you this Cheesecake Factory gift card I found at the bottom of my purse. I’m sure it still has at least $6.92 on it.

I think that Firefly is one of the greatest TV shows ever made , and I don’t understand why people didn’t watch it. Meanwhile, a show like Drop Dead Diva gets a second season.

I think it’s frightening that I know what Drop Dead Diva is, let alone being aware of a second season.

I think that apple cider donuts are the greatest donut creation in the history of forever and likely fall under the What Would Jesus Do? umbrella.

I think that if I were 14 years old, I would be on Team Edward. But I’m not 14 years old, so I’m sick of this Twi-crap.

I think that I’m bound to offend somebody.

I think I’m the only person I know who doesn’t have an iPhone or Crackberry. I think I would really like to have an iPhone, but I think I need a bigger paycheck to swing that.

I think that HR gets a bad rap, but I think it’s also deserved. I think I’ll blog about that sometime. But I think I’m really good at it.

I think I need to figure out why I’m so uncomfortable proclaiming that I’m really good at HR.

I think I’m going to make some tea and eat a cookie (or two).

Important things I did today

2009-05-01T16:43:00.001-07:00

1. Got out of bed.

2. Ate bacon and pancakes prepared by my husband.

3. Showered.

4. Wore capris for the very first time this year. (That's a momentous day in Seattle, not unlike the first frappuccino of the year.)

5. Enjoyed a frappuccino (not the first of the year, but this was definitely the warmest day of the year so far...but never fear, rain & 50's returns for the weekend, of course).

6. Treadmilled. (Important note: do not try to run while watching the cab/police chase in The Fifth Element. Just skip to the next chapter.)

7. Sitting on my arse contemplating what to have for dinner.

8. Just had conversation with husband about how Nordstrom has canceled their first store in Alabama. Cannot imagine living anywhere that didn't have a Nordstrom. Not that I ever shop at Nordstrom, unless their having a shoe sale and I can purchase online. I don't know why I'm talking about this.

9. Mentally preparing packing list for weekend getaway to Fairhaven. We're staying here:

Mostly because the room looks like this:

And so when it inevitably does this:

I can park on that window seat with the blankie and read my book and magazines while cramming my cake hole with this:

Which are oh so conveniently within walking distance from the inn.

You know you're old when....

You look forward to a weekend away during which you will do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

I'd like to thank the Academy...

2009-04-28T18:49:00.000-07:00

It seems that my sister, Vivi Alden, has nominated me for the Sexiest Muu Muu Award.

No wait, that's not it. I think it was the Blogger with the Sexiest Treadmill Award.

Hold up, I have to go look again.

Ah, here it is!

Ta-da!

So, following her example, I will now list FIVE SEXY THINGS ABOUT MYSELF!

Is that right? I dunno, I'm just copying what's on her blog. I thought a sexy award would be personally delivered by Clive Owen or something, but apparently that's not the case.

Okay, so....

Sexy #1
My big brain. That's right. My big fat brain! I will kick your ass at Jeopardy. I really will. And I will do my own celebratory dance, too. (But I will not gloat when you're wrong. That would be really UNsexy.)

Sexy #2
I can speak French! (sort of) And everyone knows that a (sort of) command of the French language makes you sexy!

Sexy #3
Uhhhh.... I dunno. I'm out of sexy. I don't make my bed. I don't flat-iron my hair. I don't cook dinner unless it comes from the Trader Joe's freezer section. (Unlike my sister, I believe that eating pre-packaged food boosts my immunity to zombie flu, due to both the quick-freeze process and the time saved in cooking, which then allows you to conserve your energy when the zombie flu pandemic strikes so you have the strength to wield shotguns like Milla Jovovich.) And I'm currently wearing a retro print brown sweater with blue plaid pajama pants.

I'm sexied out, yo.

heart

2009-04-19T21:39:00.003-07:00

I meant to post this quote I found from Charles de Lint:
A long time ago a bunch of people reached a general consensus as to what's real and what's not and most of us have been going along with it ever since.

I totally fangirl him now.

long time, no post

2009-04-19T21:04:00.000-07:00

Not that I haven't had a lot to write about, but it's just been wholly unpleasant. More layoffs, pay cuts, stress, grief, panic, are we going to make it? Et cetera. Nothing I want to re-live by blogging about it.

Ready for all of it to be over and for this thing to start turning a corner. I've had quiet enough of building my HR repertoire, thanks very much.

But that's that.

Our weekend has been fabulous. Maybe not fabulous for those living in climates that don't toughen the soul. But for us, hitting 60 degrees on a weekend in April is quite a major event. Of course, the really sunny, 70's weather is going to fall on Monday. Figures!

And I can't believe I just let myself eat coffee ice cream and 2 Milanos. Woman, do you have no shame?

Yeah, that was a rhetorical question.

Have been feasting otherwise on Memory and Dream by Charles de Lint, which was recommended by friend. I'd only read one of his previously, The Onion Girl. I liked that one, but it really started to drag toward the middle, and I ended up speed scanning through sections of it just to get to the end.

Not so with Memory and Dream. It took me a little while to pick up this one since, like The Onion Girl, it is a huge book with very small print! That's a substantial commitment for me. But he is simultaneously inspiring my unadulterated worship and insane jealousy at his talent. I am so utterly enthralled with this story that I'm forcing myself to keep a steady pace to savor it. I'm terrible at breakneck reading in order to find out what happens. I still have a couple hundred pages to go, so I've put it down for the evening so I can finish it tomorrow.

It's so layered and beautiful and haunting and.... All about art, writing, and magic. An artist whose paintings open a doorway for creatures from the Otherworld to enter reality and the writer's stories that connect them. Truly, urban fantasy at its best. I'm in awe of his ability to blur the lines between fantasy and reality so that you just believe that these things could actually happen. Especially for anyone who's ever pursued writing or art. You know how characters come alive inside you, so the leap you have to make while reading this book - that these characters can actually come alive - doesn't really feel like such a leap at all.

And today I had to laugh out loud during one chapter where the writer, Kathy, is talking about a story that's coming out complete crap, but her characters won't leave her alone until she sees the story through til the end. She makes the comment that she just wants to write: "And then they all died. The End."

How many of us have felt that urge about eleventy billion times through the course of writing something?

rollin' like Fozzie

2009-02-17T14:18:00.000-08:00

Wocka! Wocka! Wocka!

That's pretty much all I can think of to say today. WOCKA! WOCKA! WOCKA!

And maybe throw in a:
MANAMANA!
Doo doo doo doo doo

Right.

Oy.

brain candy

2009-02-07T19:45:00.000-08:00

I picked up this fabulous book from the library called The Golden Age of Couture: Paris and London 1947-57 and is based on the exhibit at the Victoria & Albert Museum. It's a huge, coffee table book with truly beautiful photographs.

This quote from Christian Dior caught my eye:

"In December 1946, as a result of the war and uniforms, women still looked and dressed like Amazons. I designed clothes for flower-like women, with rounded shoulders, full feminine breasts, and hand-span waists above enormous spreading skirts".

And then this:

Notably, Dior chose models who were not too tall, to emphasize their well-fed, fertile shapeliness, in contrast with the lean wartime silhouette. Mme Marguerite, Dior's directrice technique (head of workrooms) described altering a dressmaker's dummy to fit Dior's vision, saying, "I even rounded the abdomen, as on a Greek statues, and there at last was a voluptuous figure to pin the muslin shape to, and ready to express the New Look."

I am pausing for a moment to honor this man's intention to design for women who actually looked like women. One has to wonder what he would actually think of his line today, modeled as it is by Amazons.

Yes, I know that the entire intent was to move on past the war and its food and fabric rations. Naturally, the image they'd want to project was that of the well-fed woman. But in looking through the photos in this book, I'm really struck how many of these models now would be considered too short and a little too chubby.

She would never be able to do modeling work today!

Ah well. I got very excited when I saw this page because the back of my wedding dress looked just like this (except, ya know, it was white).

Who knew that my wedding dress skirt resembled a Balenciaga design? (Yes, I know, he didn't invent the bustle, but I'm tickled anyway since it's the only time in my life I'll ever wear anything remotely resembling haute couture.)

But back to reality....

I had a Macy's gift card so I went to Redmond Town Center this afternoon. (I was smart and avoided the real mall where temptation would have been too great.) And what did I buy with my gift card? One pair of tights and three pairs of socks. Yeah, that's how I roll.

Although I did buy some new shoes yesterday. At Target. For all of $12.

I'm sure I must have worn Dior in my past life. I died tragically after a short, fast life of glamour, soirees, and homewrecking.

(Not that I advocate homewrecking in this life at all, but those women in my past life totally deserved it.)

random post about nothing that actually matters

2009-02-03T14:42:00.000-08:00

I read yet another ridiculous article about the “espresso” being hocked at McDonald’s and how it’s waaaay better than Starbucks. Um, right. The stupidest part of the article was a comment that people only go to Starbucks so they can walk around and show off their Starbucks cup. Surrrre. Because, ya know, when I go to Starbucks, all you find there are fancy pants people with their blingy recycled paper cups! In fact, we just stand around admiring our recycled paper cups and show them to each other. And we all wear designer clothing, and ALL of us have iPhones and hot boyfriends like Clive Owen. (Even the men do.) Yes, it’s true. People will bow down at my awesomeness because I’m carrying a Starbucks cup! Kneel before me plebians, for I carry the 12-ounce recycled cup with the leftover inauguration day sleeve.

Seriously, people. If you like your powdered espresso crap, more power to you. But it IS powdered espresso crap! If you get offended because I tell that you’re drinking crap, that’s your problem, not mine. I just ate M & M’s, which qualify as complete crap as chocolate goes. But I ate them anyway, despite the fact that they’re crap chocolate. Oh my GAWD, I just totally offended myself. In fact, I’m not going to speak to me until I apologize to myself for being such a chocolate snob. I so totally hate me. Who do I think I am anyway?

I do agree that Starbucks is expensive and their chai is way too sweet. But they also pay living wages and benefits and are invested in renewable products and construction. And the local Starbucks baristas actually have social skills. I’d rather support them with an extra $.40 for all that. (Especially now that my husband took all our spare change to Coinstar last night and came home with a Starbucks card! How cool is he!)

But teh snobbeh? Hardly. Hello, it’s coffee. It aint a Hermes boutique.

By the way, that’s “air-mez.” Not “her-meez.”

Now that’s snobbeh.

Um, sister, did you know that Caffe Vita has a blog? http://caffevita.blogspot.com/

here's what I think

2009-01-29T10:02:00.001-08:00

I think that Travelzoo sending me links to $45/night rooms at nice hotels on the Vegas Strip qualifies and cruel and unusual punishment.

I think that chocolate shouldn’t make anybody fat.

I think that the Republicans in Congress need to live out in the real world for a while before they start bitching about COBRA premium subsidies being unnecessary spending. I’d also like to remind them that they had their chance fix the economy and gave a gazillion dollars to banks with no requirements that the banks actually lend the money.

I think that the Republicans in the Washington state Senate need to live out in the real world for a while before they start bitching about how expanding unemployment assistance is unnecessary spending.

I think that companies who knowingly sell salmonella peanut butter to school children should be tried as criminals.

I think that raging-indies who cheer about the Starbucks stores near them closing up should be laid off, too, so they know what those Starbucks employees are going through.

I think that Lucius Malfoy is smokin’ hawt, and Ginny probably didn’t mind being Tom Riddle’s minion for a little while since he was totally cute then, so no harm, no foul with that minor diary incident. Lucius was probably doing her a favor, really.

I think that I really, really need to see the Fanboys movie that opens next Friday.

I think that my sister and I need to live in the same state.

I think that my friends and I need to live in the same state.

I think that Oprah is incredibly annoying, and I have no interest in hearing about how she forgot to find joy in her daily life since she’s a gazillionaire who will never have to worry about losing her health insurance or paying her bills if she becomes unemployed.

I think that it’s okay to watch Oprah when Bono, Stacy London, or Nate Berkus are on her show.

I think that I really like to be home in my jammies right now.

I think that Tim Gunn should show up at my tacky old house and offer to buy me a new wardrobe.

I think that HGTV or Nate should show up at my tacky old house and remodel it for me. Preferably before Tim shows up.

I think that it was really dumb of me to schedule a dentist appointment for 4:00 tomorrow (Friday) afternoon.

I think that my husband is really awesome.

I think that I will be really glad once this week (and my dentist appointment) are over.

will work for chocolate

2009-01-27T12:06:00.000-08:00

I just looked at my 401(k) balance.

OH MY GAWD

I've been purposely avoiding it. It does me no good. But we switched vendors, so I had to log on to make sure our online accounts were working. Et, voila, my balance immediately popped up on the screen.

I suppose the good news is that since it is a new vendor, I won't see any history on my quarterly statements, so I can forget all about the money I've lost.

And I'm sure I'm poised for vast riches once it does come back. We really have no choice right now but to buy low, right?

Steven Colbert is right. Bears are the greatest threat to America. COME ON, BULL MARKET!

Wah.

drive-by update

2009-01-22T18:30:00.000-08:00

Still have not recovered from the regime change. Watching NBC News tonight and seeing Obama standing at the Presidential podium with Hillary standing to next to him made me "OH MY GOD, THIS IS REAL!" My heart swelled with glee and relief.

We've been completely fogged in since Monday night. Am waiting for the ghost ship or gigantic experimental bugs to show up any minute.

I have too much stuff to do.

Microsoft is laying off 5,000 people. Oy. Am worried about the HR girls I know over there, as their department no doubt will get slashed.

Had a very strange dream where I was visiting my sister, and Jason Isaacs was staying at her house, too. He was having a conversation with me about how he wondered when Google nerds would invent a locating program for women since nerds clearly needed women. I told him that functional nerds like us would indeed need real relationships, but that I thought that uber nerds would likely rather build fembots.

I have named my treadmill Lucius (well, Looshus, actually). It wears only black and silver, it mocks me daily, it is clearly trying to kill me, and it has a strange scuff on it that looks suspiciously like a Dark Mark.

Want to eat cookies, but should get on Looshus instead.

Okay, that sounded bad.

Or maybe not bad.

Gonna go now.

oh happy day

2009-01-21T15:49:00.000-08:00

I do not have adequate words to describe how awesome this is, so I will simply post the photo.

I take issue

2009-01-16T07:51:00.001-08:00

I just joined www.sparkpeople.com, which is a fabulous fitness/wellness site. BUT their first e-newsletter is annoying me. The article starts:

Wake Up Naturally to a More Energized Day
Small Changes, Real BIG Energy
7:00 a.m.: An infuriating alarm jolts you awake.
7:30 a.m.: After three snooze delays you finally turn it off and force yourself to jump out of bed.
8:15 a.m.: Two cups of coffee later, you're stuck in maddening morning traffic.
2:30 p.m.: You practically fall asleep at your desk

Um, WHO gets to sleep in til 7:00 am on a workday and then not get out of bed til 7:30? And WHO can be sitting in traffic at 8:15 am and not be late for work.

If you’re going to give me advice, then you’d better be realistic. Something like:

5:00 am: Your husband’s infuriating alarm jolts you awake.
5:09 am: Your husband’s infuriating alarm jolts you awake again.
5:18 am: And again
5:27 am: You finally groan at your husband to turn off the damn alarm and get his butt up, cursing the man who invented the snooze button in the first place because you were having a promising dream about Jason Isaacs.
6:00 am: Your own infuriating alarm jolts you awake, interrupting a new dream about someone having rearranged your desk at work because your subconscious is just that cruel and couldn’t possibly let you hang out with Jason again.
6:15 am: Your husband leaves for work, so you finally drag your sorry ass out of bed.
6:20 am: You realize you’re still sitting on the edge of the bed.
6:27 am: You finally get in the shower.
7:15 am: You’re finally ready to leave the house.
7:16 am: You run back into the house because you left your tea sitting on the kitchen counter.
7:30 am: You get to work totally grumpy and will never admit that you’re lucky to have a short commute.
7:45 am: You’re still checking email and trying to figure out what you did with your iPod.
10:00 am: You wonder why it isn’t time for lunch yet.
2:30 pm: You practically fall asleep at your desk.

Now that is a morning in a real life. Not this laze about til 7:30 crap.

TGIF!!

devilry

2009-01-10T21:59:00.001-08:00

So I did my weigh-in this morning since Ms. Alden has challenged me to a muffin top throwdown.

The results of the weigh-in weren't pretty. But worse, we then went to Costco, and the entire store smelled like chocolate chip cookies.

Sure, Costco usually smells like bread or muffins the size of asteroids.

But today, the day I committed to a life of carrots and gruel, Costco had to smell like chocolate chip cookies.

However, the trauma only gets better from here.

I went to Starbucks and was just gazing at their menu board while I waited for my chai. And there were all these numbers on the menu board! I was trying to figure out what all these numbers meant. It appeared as though Starbucks had added three new sizes to their drink options. So I'm thinking...WHY do we need a 10 oz drink? 14 oz? 18 oz?

It was making no sense.

So I squinted my eyes to try to actually read the numbers (I am old, after all), and then it hit me.

CALORIES

Yes, it is now 2009, and our silly do-gooder county decided that all establishments must start posting caloric contents for all products. So now you see price and then calories across the menu board.

Yeah, like I'd always thought that venti mocha was health food.

In fact, I don't believe I've ever ordered a venti mocha. Anyone who would order a venti mocha deserves cellulite as far as I'm concerned, so WHY must I be shamed by our do-gooder county into feeling bad about my chai or latte?

Do they really think that anyone ordering a cheeseburger with bacon will be dissuaded by a calorie count?

In other news, we finally assembled our treadmill this afternoon. Talk about your basic marriage-challenging ordeal.

"I need you to hold this steady."

"Dear, it's like five hundred pounds."

"Just hold it steady, I need to get a hammer."

"Dear, it's like five hundred pounds."

"Don't move, I'll be right back."

"Um, hello?"

"Okay, I'm back. Now I'm going to rest this bar against your shoulder while I pound the other end of it into the--"

"Um, dear."

BANG BANG BANG BANG

"Dear, you know that when you hit the bar on that end, the other end hits my neck, right?"

"Almost done here. Just hold it still."

Yeah. But he did buy me dinner and a margarita afterwards, so I guess I forgive him for the neck thing.

if life were fair

2009-01-05T20:49:00.001-08:00

If life were fair, I wouldn't have been burning up vacation time for a whole week while sick with a cold (while I have nearly 3 weeks of accrued sick time I could have used had I been sick at ANY other time of the year than during the holiday closure).

If life were fair, Paris Hilton would go away. Completely. Not like dead or anything, just away into obscurity.

If life were fair, my house would magically be all cleaned up when I got home from work.

If life were fair, George W. Bush never would have won any presidential election.

If life were fair, all the food that tastes really good would be healthy for me. And all the foods like broccoli and lima beans would come with warnings about heart disease and cancer.

If life were fair, my sister would be a world-famous novelist right now. Because she's that good. And I'm not saying that just because she's my sister. She did steal clothes from me when we were kids and returned them with salsa stains.

And, clearly, if life were fair, greedy people who broke the economy would have been held accountable and had their golden parachutes taken away and given to homeless people so they wouldn't have to be homeless anymore.

But since that's far too heady for me to address, I'll go back to my sister. We like to say things like, "If life were fair, Clive Owen would be cooking bacon for me right now." Or, "If life were fair, Jason Isaacs would have just brought me a cappuccino with perfect foam."

Alas, as much as we focus on those notions, they don't come to pass.

So I'll just offer this to my sissy:

Look, sissy, even he wears a hoodie.

(Just pretend it's a cappuccino instead of the prophecy.)

for my sister

2008-12-31T17:05:00.000-08:00

From my 2009 calendar, Coffee Talk. I thought she'd enjoy Mr. October:

This message brought to you by the You Know You're Old When.... network

2008-12-31T13:20:00.000-08:00

I finally used my exciting, new cleaning apparatus today:

Yes, that's right, my life today has been made complete by the Shark Steam Mop. (Well, that and LL Cool J on the iPod whilst steaming hard surfaces.) I have problems with my kitchen floor because it's ugly grey linoleum (it's true, I only live large in my mind). Quite frankly, it's difficult to tell when grey linoleum is actually clean. And I don't like chemical floor cleaners because they all aggravate my asthma and give me a headache. I can use all sorts of toxic cleaners in the bathrooms with no problem, but the floor cleaning gives me issues, maybe it's too much surface area for toxic goo or something since my bathrooms are the smallest bathrooms on Earth so the fumes don't stick around long.

This thing is so cool! It works way better than the Swiffer Wet Jet, and it's not stinky! Then you just throw the pads in the washing machine when you're done! I feel so eco-friendly right now, I expect Al Gore to show up at my door any minute to give me a new Toyota Prius for my trouble.

And now I have sparkly clean floors for our postponed Christmas tomorrow. My family won't know what's gotten into me.

The New Year Survey

2008-12-30T20:49:00.000-08:00

1. Will you be looking for a new job?
God, I hope not.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
No. Even if Erik dumped me (which he wouldn't...and if he did, he'd be dead), I've already trained one husband. I don't have the energy to train another one.

3. New house?
Of course. I'm going to win the HGTV Dream House, of course. (And then I'll have to sell it in order to pay the taxes on it.)

4. What will you do different in 2009?
Get on that damn treadmill!

5. New Year's resolution?
I never make them, but we bought the damn treadmill, so I will be getting on the damn treadmill.

6. What will you not be doing in 2009?
Uhhh...? Marrying Clive Owen?

7. Any trips planned?
No, but I'm hopeful for a Vegas trip and at least one Michigan trip. If we keep our jobs, I'll plan for two Michigan trips (provided my sister doesn't make me sleep on her treadmill).

8. Wedding plans?
Not my own!

9. What's on your calendar?
I don't know. I am a firm believer in never putting up the new calendar until January 1.

10. What can't you wait for?
I'm stealng from my friend, Carol, since it's spot on: George W. Bush moving the fuck out of the White House.

11. What would you like to see happen different?
Smart people running this country who actually want to do the right thing.

12. What about yourself will you be changing?
Hopefully a reduction to my muffin top.

13. What happened in '08 that you didn't think would ever happen?
Such deep layoffs.

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
Do I need to be nicer? I always try to be nice (unless they don't deserve it *g*)

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 08?
Not drastically.

16. Will you start or quit drinking?
I will never quit drinking.

17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
It's already fine, I think.

18. Will you do charity work?
I always do. Typically once per quarter.

19. Will you go to bars?
Of course! I often eat in the bar now that smoking is banned. You always get your food faster and aren't disturbed by screaming children. And pubs always have the best food (not best for the muffin top, but oh well)

20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
Yes. I always am (unless they give me road rage).

21. Do you expect 2009 to be a good year for you?
I'd like to think so!

22. How much did you change from this time last year til now?
I sure learned a lot, but I'm not sure it's entirely quantifiable.

23. Do you plan on having a child?
Nope. That ship has sailed.

24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
I hope so!

25. Major lifestyle changes?
I can't say that I have any kind of serious lifestyle, so the only thing that would be major would be a job loss for either of us, and we'll hope to heck that doesn't happen.

26. Will you be moving?
I'll at least spend a nice vacation in my HGTV Dream House in Sonoma, California. Other than that, I don't think so.

27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 2009 that happened in '08?
I won't eat a whole pan of brownies in a weekend.

Right, who am I kidding?

28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
I'm quite sure I'll be asleep before midnight since we're doing our postponed Christmas on New Year's Day.

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
I've already warned my husband not to wake me at midnight just to tell me that it's January, and he simply replied with an evil cackle.

30. Wish for 2009?
Job security for both of us!

blame the cold meds

2008-12-30T16:02:00.000-08:00

I just can't stop laughing at this.

Perhaps only Vivi will laugh.

Or maybe it really is the cold meds, and she won't.

good samaritans and stupid heads

2008-12-29T16:42:00.000-08:00

One of our neighbors has been shoveling our street ALL afternoon. It was raining like crazy today, but as compact as the snow was from NEVER BEING PLOWED, it just wasn't melting and was creating giant pits of frozen quick sand that was very difficult to drive through. My husband has been out there for the past few days with his shovel hacking all this stuff to break it up and get as much off the road as possible.

And then the good samaritan neighbor did his good dead, out there with his garden shovel, moving all this gunk to the side of the street so we could all function as normal Seattle drivers again.

Not FIVE minutes after he was finished with this stretch of road, a freaking snow plow came through!

I heard this very loud rumbling and ran to the window because I could not believe that they'd have the nerve to send a plow through at this point when we'd already done all their work for them! In fact, I ran down and opened the front door to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me, and exclaimed, "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"

Yes, I know they never heard me, but it wasn't a planned exclamation. It simply erupted out of incredulity.

Stupid heads.

In other news, I have a cold now. How I caught a cold, I've no idea, since I haven't been able to leave the house in 500 years.

Actually, we actually left the house yesterday for a GLORIOUS (seriously) trip to Target and then to Border. We concluded by stuffing our pie holes at Claim Jumper.

But I've had a sore throat for 3 days, so I'm guessing it's some sort of alien DNA because I haven't actually had contact with another human being aside from my husband in quite some time. And he's not sick. Unless he's the alien. It's possible. He does like halvah and sardines (separately).

So I actually spent most of the day at home (aside from yelling at the snow plow and chasing after our recycle bin that blew away). I decided it was good opportunity to watch The Patriot. Only the Tavington scenes, of course, since the film is complete crap aside from his smokin' hawtness. Jason Isaacs needs to play another bad guy!

That is all for now.

crazy koo koo wacko

2008-12-26T14:37:00.001-08:00

I can't take it anymore!!!

We were very excited to leave the house today. Have been trapped in house since Tuesday.

Until we discovered that my car can't actually drive through unplowed, slightly melting snow. A monster truck is pretty much the only thing that can drive through our neighborhood right now. Or perhaps a tank.

We had enough momentum to scrape through it down the hill and made to the grocery store. When we came out of the grocery it was raining! Hurrah! The world rejoiced! The snow will melt for real!

And then we went up the little tiny hill toward my house. At the top of the little tiny hill, the rain turned to snow.

And it's been snowing very large wet lakes for the past two hours now.

It was supposed to be 40 degrees today.

Mind is gone. Will never return. Will be trapped forever. Weather people lied. Cannot believe that cities are still refusing to plow residential streets. Would very much like cities to have stoopid pants sued off of them when an ambulance or police car can't get to where they are needed.

Am hoping that stoopid pants city officials have also been beaten with fugly sticks. It is only right for stoopid pantses to be fugly.

Purchased taco fixings and donuts at grocery store. Figured that was all we could carry. Am watching Highlander marathon on SciFi while eating donuts and potato chips.

Will no doubt turn into female version of Comic Book Guy by end of day.

Bah humbug

2008-12-25T13:54:00.001-08:00

This ranks as Worst Christmas Ever! We got some very sad news from my mother-in-law on Tuesday that one of my brother-in-law's 2 month-old twins died on Monday. On a personal level, I'm more worried for my mother-in-law and father-in-law since I actually know them much better (I've only been around my BIL and his family a few times), and they've already maxed themselves out looking after the older two children for the past few months. Plus, these kids are their only grandchildren.

And while I really have no room to complain given what they're going through, I'm bored out of my skull! We're snowed in again, got another 4 inches last night and it's been snowing heavily all morning. We'd thought we might try to go out for Chinese since we had to postpone the festivities due to weather. But now we're just stuck at home watching bad TV and eating the remnants of what we have left in the house.

So yeah, Merry Christmas and whatever. I just put Bailey's in my coffee so I wouldn't go completely wacko.

But I thought our lights looked pretty buried in the snow, so I took a picture!

I needed a funny

2008-12-23T14:32:00.000-08:00

I was reading the article in the Seattle Times about why the city doesn't use salt on the roads (WSDOT does because they have brains). Note that even the police can’t get around now because their cars are rear wheel drive. So they’re having to park at the bottom of hills and walk to incidents.

The city is trying to pull the environmental protection card again (they do this thinking we’re dumb and will buy it because we’re all a bunch of bleeding hearts here). They’re saying all this bollocks about how salt hurts the fishies. (But sand and chemical de-icers don’t??) This rare use of salt wouldn't hurt the fishies compared to all the other crap (literally) we put in the water system. And certainly not to the same measure that people who can't get to work or are crashing their cars or can’t get to their holiday destinations are feeling! Not to mention emergency responders or getting ambulances to hospitals.

A couple days of salt into Puget Sound has more weight than the safety/financial stability of humans? Errrrr, no. I think the real issue is that they can't afford salt compared to sand, and everyone would be screaming at them for spending money on it when the snow actually goes away and we forget the pain.

There are all sorts of comments to this effect on the Times website, but this one quoting some Seattle official made me snort:

"But here in Seattle, 'we're sensitive about everything we do that impacts the environment."

-An Alien, from Planet Moron

That pretty much sums up the Seattle government! They spent gazillions of dollars on self-cleaning toilets (fancy Honey Buckets, basically) that they then had to sell on eBay because they were frequented by prostitutes and drug dealers. (Gee, couldn’t have called that one.) But they don’t want to spend money on salt and can make themselves feel better about by waving a green flag around.

God, I’m so sick of these stoopidheads.

Bah Humbug

2008-12-23T12:18:00.000-08:00

We have decided to cancel Christmas. Or at least postpone it for a while and see if a gathering is possible on New Year's Day or that weekend. We're supposed to get anohter 2-6" tonight and then more snow on and off through Saturday. Boo. My parents would never be able to make the drive over two mountain passes that are already treacherous before this next round of snow (which is sure to amount to more than 6" up there!)

And the way around the mountains through Portland is closed due to snow and ice storms.

So yay, good times. I don't really like Christmas anyway, but now I'm just annoyed that I don't even get to snack and drink all day! (Trust me, the two of us have been doing enough of that while snowbound!)

So we'll keep an eye on the roads and see if maybe we can get a reservation for brunch or dinner on Christmas day. But if we end up on the 6-inch side of the snow accumulation on top of all the compact snow and ice we already have, we'll be stuck at home AGAIN.

Boo! Boo and boo!

going KOO KOO

2008-12-22T10:47:00.000-08:00

Trapped again.

Still trapped.

Still cold.

No melting coming. May have to cancel Christmas since no one will be able to get here if the roads don't clear.

Trappedgoingwackocan'tgetoutwillnotsurvivewithsanityintactsincedidn'thavemuchsanitytobeginwith.

Am now starting to clean out junk drawers. You know that life has become completely desperate when you take to cleaning out the junk drawers. Although this is probably a bad idea since it's garbage day, yet the garbage truck didn't come and nobody knows when it will return. So I have nicely sorted junk but no empty can in which to toss it.

Hubby's office is closed so at least he's home guilt-free. My office is open - we're like the postal service that way - so I fester in my guilt, even though I know I'd get stuck trying to get there and my boss already told me not to worry about it.

We have resorted to using the margarita salt on the front steps. I'm sure this must be a crime against all that is right and good in the universe. Margarita salt to combat snow and ice instead of on the rim of a glass? What perverse world have we fallen into?

We do have a genius plan for attempting to walk to McDonald's for lunch so we don't go stark raving mad. Yes, you know I live in harrowing times if I'm actually willing to walk to McDonald's for any reason at all since I don't actually eat burgers, let alone walk there on snowy sidewalks sans snow boots (note to self: buy snow shovel AND snow boots some day). But super-sized fries would pretty much make my day at this point. And if nothing else, there's a STARBUCKS in the Safeway next door.

I see stupid people

2008-12-21T09:15:00.000-08:00

On what planet would anyone think that driving with chains on the de-iced, plowed freeway was a good idea?

Yeah, I get that they can't get back to their houses without chains. We're pretty much trapped at home at the moment, too. But going 50 on the freeways with chains on your minivan? Really, people. There were vehicles all along the side of the freeway, not because of ice, but because they blew out their tires with the chains.

And how come they're always minivans? Another chained minivan parked RIGHT on top of me yesterday at the library. You couldn't see where the parking spaces were, so I just sorta guessed. And this silly cow with her dumb chains on her dumb minivan sardined right next to me.

Oy! I'm not sure what's more annoying, being trapped by snow or dealing with the STOOPID once you can actually drive around.

Plus, I have to go to Target. But I can't go. What is a Sunday without a trip to Target? I'm starting to twitch from the Target withdrawal.

Oh well! Better to be trapped at home than at the airport for the past two days.

oops

2008-12-19T14:17:00.000-08:00

Apparently our guardrails aren't designed for ice.

And then, of course, I had to read this in the weather forecast for the weekend:
But the big story is potentially catastrophic winds in the Cascade foothills, where wind gusts could reach as high as 70-90 mph.

Neat! Snow, ice, AND catastrophic winds. I'd better hit a liquor store tomorrow.

okay, fine, it's winter...no wait, it's not even!

2008-12-19T10:16:00.000-08:00

Notice how they changed the term global warming to global climate change? So that when it snows 12 inches, we can no longer scream “I thought you said global WARMING??”

I have officially had it up to my eyeballs with this weather. If I actually wanted to live in snow and crash my car every other day, I’d move to the Midwest! And we’re supposed to get hammered again with snow and ice storms on Saturday night.

I’m actually quite glad that my husband couldn’t make it to work yesterday, as downtown froze over around midday, and he would have been stranded. I doubt he would have even been able to get out of his parking garage since it’s on such a steep hill. And then most of the downtown bus routes were canceled thanks to all the jackknifed buses (with chained tires!) stuck on the freeways.

But the worst part of all this? We are moving our company Christmas party to lunchtime today so people can get out of here early enough to get home safely. Which means NO BOOZE. Waaaahh. Oh well, a lot of people aren’t here today anyway since they can’t get out of their unplowed neighborhoods.

Oh well, this crap makes the skiers happy since it’s been so unseasonably warm up until last week. Now they can go up to the passes to ski, and I can go to the mall! (I hope.)

Or at least Starbucks! The best cheeseball moment of yesterday was seeing the poor news crews stuck in the Redmond blizzard all day yesterday when all of a sudden a Starbucks employee showed up with coffee for them. Wearing his red holiday Starbucks apron and Christmas tie.

And now, a photo essay.

I only post this so my sissy can see what it looked like here yesterday.

Just because it's fun to have photos of other people's misfortune at the bottom of a freeway on/off-ramp.

Just because this guy may be almost as crazy as Vivi's husband. :-p (That's Denny Ave, sissy.)

And because people make really cool things with snow.

stranded

2008-12-18T08:22:00.001-08:00

Dude, it's snowing AGAIN. We were in this nice shadow of the mountains yesterday, and it was snowing like crazy about 30 minutes south and north of us where they got close to a foot of snow. When I left work last night, it was about 37 degrees and drizzling. When I got home - a mere 3 miles north - it was snowing like crazy. Yay.

And it's still going. It's not really deep, maybe 2 to 3 inches, but everything is icy. My valiant husband tried to go to work this morning, but had to get off the freeway and make his way back home since nobody could keep their cars straight with the snow, and there were all sorts of spinouts and jacknifed buses & semis.

I told him not to go out there, but he's much more brave than I am! (Or maybe he was just scared I'd make him watch Mamma Mia if he didn't try and go to work.) But I think the news of 10-mile backups on 405 and 17-mile backups on I-5 have convinced him to just park it here for the day.

So I suppose I should be productive while stuck at home. Do things like clean the bathrooms and dig out the guest room.

But that might mean I'd have to get off my arse.

this pretty much says it all

2008-12-15T20:17:00.000-08:00

As to why we in Seattle don't cope well with driving in snow.

Just prepare to listen to me WHINE for the next couple weeks, as they're forecasting this cold crap is supposed to last that long. We ran to the grocery store tonight, and it was miserably cold! We're not equipped to handle this. I have no warm boots, and the only hats and mittens I own are from Target, which means they're only warm around 40 degrees. Nor do I have a coat for 15 to 20 degree weather. That's not so bad, except that any time it snows during the workday, I end up having to ditch my car and walk home since any route between between my office and my house is uphill (with a stoplight at the top of every hill, naturally).

Our office is closing the week between Christmas and New Year in order to save some money in these scary days. So I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself during that week. If it's still cold/icy/snowy and I'm trapped at home, I'll be running up and down the stairs like Bart Simpson on sugar.

If I'm not trapped at home, I'll be tempted to shop.

I'm not sure which situation would be worse. The latter would certainly be more fun but highly damaging to my bank account in these times of financial uncertainty.

But the former may result in my husband having me committed.

If I were responsible, I'd do all these projects around the house that I keep meaning to do. Like paint the bathroom. Or clean out the garage.

But I predict I will spend the week cramming my cake hole full of every unhealthy sugary/carby/fatty food known to mankind (after all, I'll have to be GOOD after January 1...or January 2...okay, I'll officially be good on January 5). And then I will catch up on my Netflix queue and read some trashy books. And maybe - just maybe - I'll go a whole day without actually changing out of my jammies. Oh nirvana!

This post brought to you by You Know You're Old When....

First flight to Vegas, please

2008-12-14T16:39:00.000-08:00

It snowed last night.

Not only did it snow last night, but it's 30 degrees and windy and is supposed to be in the TWENTIES for the rest of the week. And then maybe snow again on Thursday.

That's not okay with me, man! If I wanted cold and snow, I'd move east.

Here's the deal. I live in the Seattle area. We're one giant hill. Actually, we're a bunch of hills. So imagine living on a hill and nobody comes to plow or even sand.

This is why I hate snow!

That said, nothing can deter me from going to Target, which is exactly what I did this morning! Plus, you can always count on the freeways being clear since they spray all that de-icer chemical that kills fishies or something.

But the upside is that I can finally wear my wool coat that I bought at Nordstrom in July! Yeah yeah, I heard all about my craziness when it was 85 degrees, but who's the crazy one now, eh?

Okay yeah, it's still me. Whatever.

And I can finally wear my boots. I hope my sister doesn't kill me for buying boots. But they're not UGG boots. I have enough sense not to buy those. But they're still kinda butch.

C'mon, sissy, you know that the cankles prevent wearing really cool boots. So I ended up with butchier boots. They're sort of equestrian-y. And they keep my legs warm.

I hear her chastising me from afar.

But they don't look like wearing slippers in public. I swear!

Discovery!

2008-12-09T11:07:00.000-08:00

While in Starbucks, I noticed their holiday chalkboard (and do they have the same chalk artiste just go from store to store to draw these things?) featured something called Espresso Truffle.

Naturally, they had my attention.

“ohmygawdohmygawd, what is this espresso truffle goodness??” <-- Me

“Oh! It’s espresso with chocolate and steamed milk!!” <-- Nice barista girl

Uhhh…wha?

I decide to conduct a more extensive investigation on starbucks.com:

Espresso Truffle
We’ve combined Starbucks espresso with our premium European-style cocoa blend used in our Signature Hot Chocolate and steamed milk, and topped it with whipped cream and a touch of chocolate powder. This sophisticated beverage delivers rich chocolate flavor with a velvety mouthfeel balanced with a smooth coffee flavor.

This differs from the mocha...how?

Caffe Mocha
Rich, full-bodied Starbucks® espresso combined with our proprietary bittersweet mocha syrup and steamed milk. Topped with a cloud of whipped cream.

Kaaaaayy. So one is made with bittersweet cocoa powder and one is made with bittersweet syrup. Right. They differ from each other in that.... How?

Tall Espresso Truffle, no whip: 310 calories, 8 grams saturated fat
Tall Caffe Mocha, 2%, no whip: 200 calories, 6 grams saturated fat

So they differ in that the Espresso Truffle is made from whole milk and the regular mocha is 2%? There’s no milk option on the former, so this is my guess.

Oh, Bill Nye, where are you when the world needs you??

Can I get a marketing job at Starbucks? Please, somebody pay me to come up with the exact same beverage and put a posh spin on it so people will buy it by the gallon, and I can then buy an Infiniti G35 with my You Saved the Company By Coming Up with the Same Exact Beverage bonus.

I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking.

2008-12-08T15:50:00.000-08:00

The power went out at 6 am. HELLO?? No storms, no nuthin’. Just that noise of a transformer going out and all went dark. And it was hair wash day. So yeah, on a Monday I have to go to work with dirty hair and put on my makeup by flashlight. I wasn’t sure if I looked like a showgirl or a crazy person (or both), so I ran straight for the restroom when I got to work to check myself in the mirror. Fortunately, I looked like myself, only severely bed-headed.

My back hurts like a mother scratcher. Why? Because I’m a moron. You’re familiar with Angry Vacuum Mode, right? When there’s crap ALL OVER THE FLOOR so you’re trying to pick it up as you’re pushing the vacuum. Yeah, really smart. Felt the pop and knew my rage had, once again, not injured the crap on the floor but injured me instead.

So, naturally, I went shopping after that. Found some books for the boy. Why are kids’ books so expensive? Yes, I know, they have hard covers and pretty pictures, but give me a break with 18 bucks for a book that has fewer words than this post will have.

And then I bought myself a handbag. Hey, I was injured! I’ve been on the hunt for a berry-colored bag. Obsessed, actually. Why? Because I have no life, that’s why. But this thing called to me from the shelf at Macy’s, and it was 30% off! I couldn’t not buy it. Yeah, I’ll be homeless in 6 months when we both lose our jobs, but I can stare at my bag all day. Everything will be fine.

Saturday night we watched Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang. I had never heard of this movie before, but it popped up as a Netflix rec when I gave Iron Man 4 stars. Oh my garsh, it’s HILARIOUS. It’s one of those stories that I wish I’d written (if I were that clever). My theory is that it didn’t do booming business because it’s a modern film noir, ergo, completely unfit for the lowest common denominator moviegoer.

So, to sum up, I’m a dirty-haired moronic film snob with no life. But only randomly snobbish since I watched Anchorman last night. “I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly”

Oh, and Zoolander. Only one of the greatest movies of all time.

blogger is buggin'

2008-12-02T07:48:00.000-08:00

I'm diggin' the notion of this new blog follower function...except that I can't make it work! Blogger tells me I haven't verified my email address yet. YES I HAVE.

Okay fine, so when I click on the link to resend verification email, said verification email is eaten by the gnomes who run the internets. Or blogger is just mocking me. "Here, click on this and you can join our club. PSYCH!"

What. Ever.

I had a dream last night that I was married to Gerard Butler (except he was an architect), and we were vacationing at some mountain lodge with Dr. Drew and his wife (I've no idea who she is in RL, but she was quite an annoying yuppie housewife in the dream), along with some co-workers of mine. We girls were all baking cookies in a giant kitchen with Toby Keith, which was freaking out one of my friends whom I shall protect from incrimination since she lurrrrrrrves him, and I was getting annoyed because Toby kept screwing up the cookie dough.

All of this begs the question: If I was married to Gerry Butler, WHY was I spending every waking hour baking cookies with women and a big redneck??

And then I woke up and heard the NPR reporter bleating about Mumbai. So...yeah.

I told my husband (the actual one, not Gerry) that there needs to be a happy news station so I can wake up to happy thoughts. Actual husband said, "In today's news: Marshmallows! Penguins! Free shoes!"

I think he might be onto something.

important things I did today

2008-11-30T18:35:00.000-08:00

Got out of bed.

Ate French Toast (from leftover sourdough not used for stuffing) and bacon (just because every fridge should be stocked with bacon).

Went to Target.

Ate M & M's while Christmasifying the living room. Easy job since I never have a tree.

Went downtown with hubby.

Showed hubby every handbag I ever wanted or could ever want in the future at every shop we could never afford.

Toured gingerbread lane at the Sheraton.

Drank ubiquitous peppermint mocha.

Silently mocked shoppers at Barney's since everything in the window looked like the same thing one would find at Urban Outfitters.

Dragged hubby through Anthropologie.

Purchased Christmas gifts at Watson-Kennedy (tres francais!).

Admired beauty-full Christmas decorations.

Saw brilliant shirt that nephew needed in kids' shop at Post Alley. Appeared at first to be an AC/DC shirt but lettering was AB/CD. Discovered that 3T shirt was 40 bucks and decided that what would only be amusing to a grown-up was not worth 40 bucks.

Pined over clothing and shoes in Alhambra window.

Ate lunch/dinner (it was 3:30ish) at McCormick & Schmick's. Had to order apple cider mojito from holiday cocktail menu just because. Sounds like a weird combo but was YUMMY.

Have been sitting on ass since returning home. Can't believe the long weekend is already over. Boo.

what was I thinking??

2008-11-28T16:01:00.000-08:00

Yes, I did go shopping this morning. No, not at 4 am or even 6 am. I got to Kohl's somewhere around 9 am. It was crowded, but didn't seem TOO terrible. I found some good stuff on sale for The World's Most Awesome Nephew and got ready to head to the checkout...and then realized that the line was halfway back into the store. Errr, no. I'd rather pay full price than stand in line for an hour. Really, people, what is your time worth?

So I shoved everything back onto the shelves! I did go into Target, which wasn't bad at all. Very crowded, but since the people who run Target actually have brains and had all the lanes open, it was no problem getting through there since I could use the express lane.

Then I managed to keep my tradition of buying more Christmas presents for myself than I do for anyone else. After hitting the "free mimosas while you shop" deal and walking away with decor I didn't really need, I also managed to acquire a new scarf, top, and jacket from another boutique I really didn't need to enter! The jacket is wool jacket and only 60 bucks, so I couldn't not buy that. Everyone knows I need to find a Scarfaholics Anonymous group since I can't ever NOT buy cute scarves when I find them. Plus, if I already had a jacket and a scarf, I needed a top, too, right?

Thanksgiving went fine. As soon as all the "I'm the expert" conversations started up between my grandma and her brother & his wife, I downed one glass of wine and was nearly through my second glass by the time we sat down for dinner! And bless my uncle's wife, she did make a pumpkin pie but also made a trifle. Not normally my favorite type of dessert, but since she makes hers with creme caramel in addition to the whipped cream and makes her own sponge cake, I was all over that! Although it was almost too pretty to eat since the top was perfectly decorated with kiwi, strawberries, and pomegranate seeds.

I said almost!

I really should clean now, but I think I'll go park my fat ass on the sofa and watch Celebrity Rehab instead!

gobble gobble whatevah

2008-11-25T10:18:00.001-08:00

I don’t like Thanksgiving, okay?! I just don’t. I don’t like dry turkey or soggy stuffing or cranberry sauce. I’m not a gravy girl. I’d rather put butter all over my potatoes.

And I really don’t like pumpkin pie. Why not chocolate? Chocolate never hurt anybody (much). And scientists have proven that chocolate is healthy (sort of).

Why can’t we just eat artichoke dip all day and then have tacos for dinner? Why boring, bland, white bread food? We’re not Puritans. Spice is important. Fun is important. Lots and lots of wine is important (and will be consumed since we put the fun in dysfunctional).

Here begins my season of Scroogey McScroogerpants. I’ve published fair warning.

Some study was out yesterday that people who express gratitude have better health, and so we should keep that in mind at Thanksgiving. Well fine, but I’m an almost-40-year-old Bitter, and I’m perfectly healthy.

Besides, I am grateful for many things. I am grateful for shoes. And for bad reality TV. And for Daniel Craig, Clive Owen, and Jason Isaacs. I am grateful for peppermint mochas, which take down my Scroogey McScroogerpants mood a few levels. I am grateful for 30 Rock, Jon Stewart, and Stephen Colbert, else I might go totally insane during the week. I have gobs of gratitude for red wine and mojitos (I used to be grateful for margaritas until they started to injure me). I am grateful for Bono. Oh, and for Las Vegas. And for chocolate croissants. And chips and salsa.

But gratitude for dark Novembers, bland turkey, and a dessert made from squash? Not so much.

I am also ungrateful for stores playing Christmas music on November 1st.

And not grateful at all for the pressure to decorate, which I will begrudgingly do, so I’m not yelled at on Christmas Day for hosting the dinner but not providing a festive atmosphere. (But the only tree will be one that sits on top of an end table and came pre-decorated from Costco Home store.)

In my ideal world, my husband and I would go on vacation at Christmas. But since he’s a much nicer person than I am, he actually enjoys putting lights on the house and doing all that goofy Christmas business that only people with children should enjoy.

So our balance is that he has to take me Christmas shopping downtown to shops where they give you alcohol while you browse. I can’t beat them, I don’t really want to join them, but I can at least maintain a healthy level of intoxication to cope with it all.

wake me when it's over

2008-11-20T20:51:00.000-08:00

As soon as I become inspired, I really will be posting something...err...inspiring?

Whatever.

I'm tired. Work has been...yeah. I'm tired. Layoffs suck.

To quote Will Ferrell impersonating Dubya, "Daddy, this is haarrrrrrrd!"

But it's nearly the weekend. I figure that gives me full license for cramming my cake hole.

And it's getting COLD out there. Boo.

I'm so tired, I can't even stay up for Celebrity Rehab. Sacre bleu! I'm sure that Ms. Alden will hug Dr. Drew's arm for me until I have a chance to watch it.

this is why I have SAD

2008-11-12T10:24:00.000-08:00

Here's what 10 am looks like today.

Just shoot me now.

I sense copious amounts of bread and pasta in my future.

in absentia

2008-11-11T14:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a while because...well, I have nothing interesting to say.

And the morons at Verizon farked up our phone on Friday afternoon, so I was without DSL all weekend. I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself, never having been through detox before. I survived remarkably well (if you don't count the package of chocolate chips cookies and half a bottle of merlot), but I had grave concerns about my husband. I may as well mount a laptop stand to his neck. I believe he was even in bed by 9:00 pm on Friday because he didn't know what to do with himself if he couldn't download Formula One videos.

So really, this meant I had the TV all to myself for the entire weekend since he functions on the laptop in front of his face, TV in the background mode of entertainment.

And here I thought I was the reason he spent the evenings in front of the TV. Just so we could have together time. Nope, 'tis the laptop.

That's okay. We've been together for 15 years, and he bought me M & M's and cake this weekend. After all these years, he still knows the way to my heart. And TV is much more fun when he's not complaining about my watching Celebrity Rehab or The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Rock on.

Meanwhile, my incredibly talented sister is NaNo'ing. But I figure she can hire me as The Gatekeeper once she's a rich and famous published author.

now life can go on

2008-11-04T20:19:00.000-08:00

THANK GOD!

hrrrm?

2008-10-28T08:28:00.001-07:00

It appears that Blogger was hungry this morning and randomly ate a few of my posts. Well fine, I hope that Blogger is fortified by my inane morsels and has a fine day.

Speaking of "hrrrm," working for a living is really cramping my style. Now, I will never speak of work here since that would be highly inappropriate given my position, BUT I will say that having to get out of bed every morning at 6 am is seriously WRONG. Especially when my husband gets up at 5 am, so I'm having to listen to the alarm starting somewhere around 4:45. I was so happily asleep this morning, too, which is somewhat of a rarity.

I had this fancy idea that moving to France might be a nice change, but now I hear that even the French are doing away with the 32-hour work week. What is the world coming to when one can't even have a cush schedule in France? Mon dieu.

Oh, Mittens, you so crazy!

2008-10-27T15:08:00.001-07:00

It is so beautifully sunny today, so I’m having a difficult time staying focused. When you know your sunshine is limited and likely won’t be seen for another six months, the brain wanders when it is a glorious day.

I just read the funniest liberal elitist blog update of the day. I’ve been more than amused at all the leaks coming out of the McCain campaign about how irritated these staffers are about Palin continuing to go off-script…not that script was doing her any good in the first place, unless inciting racism and encouraging white trash alcoholics from sea to shining sea is your idea of Real Americanism.

BUT the bestest thing I read today is that many of these anti-Palin insiders are actually former Mitt Romney staffers. Oh sweet taste of venomous repudiation! The fanboys jumped to the McCain campaign on the gamble that their Mittens would get the nod as VP, and now they are pissed as hell and feeling no shame about spilling on the dirt on the utter incompetence of Caribou Barbie.

Apparently the strategy now is to take their pounds of flesh from Palin in order to position their Mittens as the leader of the party for, yes, the next election. Another part of this strategy is apparently jockeying for jobs with the RNC in order to prop up their Magic Underwear Boy for the nom in 2012.

I love it when they begin to eat their own. I realize that it’s a sad state of American politics, but I love this shit. Course, it’s easier to love when it’s not happening to the Democrats. I do love to see how the mighty Republican beast is turning on itself like a bad zombie movie.

Love? Did I say love? Love, love, love.

[/grand hyperbole of the day]

astrologicaloco

2008-10-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

My Sunday horoscope because it is to laugh:

The embers of your social life have been glowing slowly but steadily for weeks, and today they are about to explode into a fiery festival of fun! Your people have tons of good things going on, and they will want to make sure you are as involved as possible. Try to get boring tasks and errands out of the way early, today -- save the afternoon and evening for last minute parties and other types of social stuff. You deserve to take a break and have a good time.

A fiery festival of fun! Dude, that was SO my life today.

Yeah.

And now - it gets even better - I'm going to bed so I can wake up to MONDAY.

Sweet.

Although since I haven't been able to sleep more than 4 to 5 hours a night for the past week, we'll see how this sleeping idea goes. I'm getting tired of being tired.

the glories of Saturday

2008-10-25T15:38:00.000-07:00

Wake up when it's DAYLIGHT. This is quite a thing of wonder now that it's dark til 8 am.

Go to grocery store.

Do laundry.

Go out for lunch and eat gigantor cheesy turkey melt and 5,624 french fries.

Waste an entire hour farfing about on the internets.

Go buy a mocha.

Clean a bathroom. Procrastinate about cleaning the other one because it's Saturday, and I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT, NEENER NEENER.

Listen to awesome Goth 80's tunes really loudly.

Buy a pair of shoes I don't actually need.

And it's only 4:00. So many other slothful, greedy, gluttonous things I could still fit in before the day is over.

Hmm, I forgot to exercise, though. Funny that.

This Fake American just doesn't get it

2008-10-22T08:47:00.000-07:00

So the McCain campaign has spent $150,000 on shopping sprees for Sarah Palin, plus a $4,000 haircut.

Maybe since I'm a Fake American, I am impaired to a point of not being able to understand how much money the McCain campaign spends on their wimmen-folk to make them palatable to that Real American demographic.

According to financial disclosure records, the accessorizing began in early September and included bills from Saks Fifth Avenue in St. Louis and New York for a combined $49,425.74.

The records also document a couple of big-time shopping trips to Neiman Marcus in Minneapolis, including one $75,062.63 spree in early September.

The RNC also spent $4,716.49 on hair and makeup through September after reporting no such costs in August.

Mmmmmkay.

So my question is this: Why does she still look like a mall rat? Or is it just because I’m a liberal elitist America-hater that I don’t get it? I’m sure that must be it since Seattle is no doubt on the McCain-Palin Fake America map.

And by the way, anyone who hasn’t seen The Daily Show’s brilliant report on Real America vs. Fake America from Monday night’s show, go to their site RIGHT NOW. Watch the Jason Jones report from Wasilla as well.

I alone can beat death's design

2008-10-13T14:23:00.000-07:00

You know you're old when you find this exciting:

When we were at Costco on Saturday, I found a 2-pack of Calvin Klein
bras for $22!!

And...AND...the new Costco coupon book had one for $7 off Nexxus
Humectress conditioner. Dude! I'm a savvy shopper all over town! I
was so impressed with myself.

Oh, and I bought a black zip cardigan for 16 bucks. And it's not a
flimsy piece of crap like the ones they have at The Gap for $45.
Although it was funny, as I was pawing through the sweaters, this lady
next to me said, "Can you tell me what size my pants are? These are the
same ones, but I can't remember what size these are." So there I am
fishing down the back of this nice ladies Ralph Lauren jeans to see her
tag while my husband pretended like that wasn't happening right next to
him.

And then I spent the rest of my weekend cleaning, doing laundry, and
watching really hilariously bad horror movies on TV. Yes, I did watch
Final Destination 1, 2, AND 3. And guess what: THEY ALL DIE. Really. Crazy, no?

I am such a cheap date.

But it gets better! I also watched that talking sex with mom & dad show on MTV.

Yes, really.

Please, somebody bring back Celebrity Rehab! I'm not sure I *heart* Dr. Drew enough to continue to watch hootchie teenagers and their hootchie parents.

My week

2008-10-03T10:11:00.001-07:00

Wake up too early, but don’t mind since am on vacation.

Hit the Bellagio pool in the range of 8-8:30 a.m.

Breakfast poolside on chocolate croissant and FREE iced tea (the only free thing at Bellagio)

Sit in pool

Turning 5,000 degrees by 11 am, so get out of pool and go shopping

Room is spotless upon every return to hotel.

There is chocolate.

There are clean towels upon every return to hotel.

Put money in slot machines and actually win on two occasions, totaling approximately $300

Pick numbers on Keno. Do not understand what the frack Keno is. Win $13 to help pay for lunch.

Drink alcoholic beverages while walking around shopping

Stuff face on overpriced but large quantities of food

Nearly convince self that $400 Michael Kors bag is a must-have until sister talks sense in mojito-induced fog

Begin to believe that every day for the rest of my life can be started with chocolate croissant and leisurely pool soaking

***ABERRANT NOISE OF SCREECHING BRAKES COME THURSDAY***

Wake up at 5 am when husband’s alarm goes off. Must get out of bed at 6 am. Must go to work and sit in office for 9 hours. Must not drink alcohol. Have no access to chocolate croissant.

There is no sun.

There is only dark in the mornings.

There is rain.

There are very large piles of work to do.

There is still no help for large piles of work to do.

There is distinct possibility that husband may be laid off before he reaches 5 years just when he was happily making progress in new position. A 5-year curse that has occurred at every company he’s ever worked for.

There are no clean towels upon every return home.

Bathroom sink has not been cleaned in over a week.

Will not even mention condition of toilets or kitchen floor.

Vacation is so over.

a week of poo

2008-09-19T19:39:00.001-07:00

Literally, friends. Sewage flooding. No toilets. Yay. Good times.

But now, c'est le weekend! Not only is it hair appointment weekend so I can de-gray myself, but it's family birthday party Saturday.

Oh yeah, and I'LL BE IN SIN CITY IN A WEEK!

*shakes a groove thang*

I think we timed this perfectly. The weather is turning here, the heat is kicking on at night, and there's no more sun. But it will be 90 degrees poolside at Bellagio. Sweeeet.

I have nothing more to say. Me have dead brain. Me go watch Daily Show and eat M & M's. Me big fat ass. Me no care.

just one question

2008-09-08T10:46:00.000-07:00

America, you do realize that it's John McCain who's actually running for president and not Sarah Palin, right? It's super neat that she's "energized the base" and all (insert gagging noises), but since Vice Presidents have diddly-poo impact when it comes to policy (aside from crazypants Cheney, of course), it doesn't matter how way cool and pretty you think she is. This aint the homecoming dance.

(Although I haven't the foggiest idea why you do like her since you probably wouldn't like someone like her in your everyday life, but that's a discussion for another day. Really, that hair poof speaking volumes.)

In other news, I must express my contempt for the return of the neon pink/orange/green/blue Reebok. This travesty caught my eye in the window of Journeys yesterday. It looked bad in the 80's (trust me, I was there). It looks even worse now since everyone should know better.

Random Starbucks Scene:
Yesterday afternoon was nice and warm, so I stopped in for a frappuccino since it could possibly be my last of the season (although there still is Vegas). Ahead of me in line was this semi-buff dude with long hair in a ponytail. He could have been a yoga instructor or a male stripper. With him was the overly made up wife with gigantor Palin-esque hair poof who never removed her sunglasses. When the barista handed them their extra-hot lattes, he said, "Are you sure these are exactly 190 degrees?" She said that the temperature was indeed 190 degrees. Male stripper/yoga instructor said, "So you're certain they're 190 degrees."

Dude, it's 80 degrees outside!

Maybe he had some chi issues with requiring all beverages to be 190 degrees, who knows.

my fave quote of the day

2008-09-04T07:59:00.001-07:00

Courtesy of Rebecca Schoenkopf, columnist for LA City Beat (aka Commie Girl).

As an actual feminist, I have the great good joy of getting to determine what is and isn’t sexist. Sexist: Asking whether Sarah Palin shouldn’t be staying home with her baby and her other children. (And yes, I’ve heard you asking just that.) Not sexist: Pointing out that Sarah Palin is an utter twit.

le sigh

2008-08-25T19:32:00.000-07:00

You know when you read a book and think, "This is the book I wish I could have written."

Okay, maybe that's just me since I'm dork. But when you (me) have these little fantasies of the perfect world being a published author, you (I) ponder the types of books you'd (I'd) want to claim as your (my) own.

Gods Behaving Badly by Marie Phillips is one of those books.

It's unexpected, smart, raunchy, laugh out loud funny, and so very clever. It has the same irreverence and "I can't believe she thought that up" feel of Good Omens (the ultimate I-wish-I-wrote-it book). And similar in flavor. Instead of turning Revelations upside-down, Gods Behaving Badly turns Mount Olympus upside-down.

Except the gods don't live on Mount Olympus anymore. They live in London in a crappy, dirty townhouse and have to work regular jobs to get by. Well, not quite regular jobs. Apollo is a TV psychic. Aphrodite is a phone sex operator. Artemis is a dog walker. Dionysus owns a bar. Eros is...well, I don't want to spoil that because I laughed out loud (one of many times) when Eros was introduced in the story. She gets their modern personalities spot-on.

The worst part of my writer envy is that Phillips is only 32 years old! Oh cruel world.

A cruel world with the infinite benefit of fantastic reads.

politics as usual

2008-08-22T08:07:00.000-07:00

It was no surprise that the Obama campaign made an ad within milliseconds of McCain’s completely moronic response to the question of how many houses he owned. (And also no surprise that McCain issued a moronic response to begin with now that I know that he graduated 894th in his class of 899 at Annapolis. I think Dubya was even smarter than that as he sailed half-drunk and stroned through college.)

But now the McCain camp has issued a rebuttal ad, something to the effect of Obama buying his $1.6 million home (really not that much when you live in Seattle!) with the help of a convicted felon blah blah….

So I’m waiting now for Obama to say something like he doesn’t Skittles, and the McCain camp will fling out an ad to the effect of:

Barack Obama vacationed in Hawaii
And now he doesn’t like Skittles?
Every child loves Skittles and would rather vacation in Disneyland
Clearly, Senator Obama hates children
America cannot afford a child-hater in the White House

And then McCain will comment that he doesn’t like peanut butter, and the Obama camp will issue an ad:

Senator McCain hates your mother
He won’t even eat her peanut butter cookies
Do you really want to vote for the candidate who hates Mom?

November is going to be a long time coming.

I have terrible news to report

2008-08-21T13:18:00.001-07:00

Abercrombie is opening its first store in Paris.

That in and of itself is disturbing enough. But it gets worse.

Paris is allowing Abercrombie on the Champs Elysee.

Abercrombie. On the Champs Elysee.

I'm just going to let that sink in for a moment.... No wait, I'll hurk up my lunch if I linger on that.

The most iconic shopping avenue in the world will now feature an Abercrombie. This is what we export to the world. Paris Hilton, Dubya, and Abercrombie.

Make it stop.

I know I'm not supposed to be entertained by spammers, but....

2008-08-18T09:22:00.000-07:00

These new faux news update spams have become a daily source of entertainment, especially as I sift through 300+ spams in my work filter to make sure something important hasn't been trapped there.

These in particular cracked me up:

msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Paris Hilton Infested With Cockroaches

msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Bulimia Not The Same As Being A Greedy
Bastard, Say Doctors

msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Nature Did Not Connect the Funny Bone to the
Satire Bone

msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Study reveals bass players 'every bit as dull
as golfers'

And my favorite:

msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: The Founding Fathers Fought for My Right to
be a Stupid Jerk

because food is the most important thing there is

2008-08-15T15:08:00.000-07:00

1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.

The VGT Omnivore’s Hundred:
1. Venison YUCK
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
~~8. Carp~~
9. Borscht YUCK
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari YUCK
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes Don't anybody pretend like you haven't tried white trash wine at some point!
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras YUCK
24. Rice and beans
~~25. Brawn, or head cheese~~
~~26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper~~
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters YUCK
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut YUCK
35. Root beer float
~~36. Cognac with a fat cigar~~
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O just a bad idea in general
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
~~42. Whole insects~~
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
~~48. Eel~~
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini tastes like trees
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips YUCK
61. S’mores
~~62. Sweetbreads~~
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
~~68. Haggis~~
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
~~72. Caviar and blini~~
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail YUCK
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant
85. Kobe beef
~~86. Hare~~
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
~~89. Horse~~
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
~~100. Snake~~

why for

2008-07-24T18:31:00.000-07:00

did the maid not tidy up whilst I was at work today? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm??

My house is a crazy disaster and must be tidied by Monday. Yet I have cabinet doors strewn all over the place, dining table chairs crowding out the family room that I want to get rid of but husband thinks we need for company (the whole one time we have that many people over that require more seating than the 6 new chairs we already have), and piles of towels (and more chairs!) in the guest room. It doesn't sound like a lot...unless you've been in my house to see I have no other place to put these things. The garage will be put to use.

And we won't even go into the craphole that is husband's domain where he keeps his clothes (since our closets are so small), the ironing board, and his standing-height desk that features about two tons of mail that needs to be shredded.

But, really, the sun is out and Kathy Griffin is on tonight, so I can't quite be buggered to be productive!

danger, danger

2008-07-22T17:35:00.001-07:00

I have discovered etsy.com. Oh dear. Why didn't anybody tell me about this before? Actually, it's probably good that no one told me about it, as in the last 12 hours I have purchased a 1960's tin lap tray in white and blue floral print just like one we had when I was a kid (please, like we're the only people who eat dinner in front of the TV), kitchen towels with some crazy orange flowers, and a 25-count set of vintage French/English flashcards.

What the crap am I going to do with French flashcards? I have no idea! But they were only 5 bucks! I know that some very talented individual would be able to make some cool art piece of out them, but given that it's me, they'll probably end up in some plastic business card holder from OfficeMax.

And THEN I found many sellers on Etsy selling really cool pillow covers. I really want some new pillows for my sofa, but they're all so expensive. And I want something vaguely mod-ish or something happily whimsical (but not cutesy or kitschy, I'm highly particular about this).

But just as I was considering purchasing some, I had the brilliant idea to email some links to my mom to see if she could find similar fabric and make some for me. She said that they'd be very easy to make and would look for some fabric. Sweet! (And I'm sure they are very easy since you're just sewing two squares together, but since, again, we're talking about me they'd end up pear-shaped.)

It's probably a good thing that my house is very small and that I have very limited room for decorative items, or I possibly would have purchased more.

And, while we're on the subject of me being an uber dork, I just made myself some cheap art by typing ampersands in different fonts and printing it on 11 x 17 paper. Did you know that there are ampersand blogs with photos of ampersands in every imaginable form? At least I'm only an uber dork and not a way super uber dork.

Let's see, what other stupid things have I been doing?

Oh, I've been reading this cool (not stupid) book called The Architecture of Happiness by Alain de Botton. No, it's not a self-help book, it's an architecture book. I just picked it up on a whim at the library, and it's really interesting. And fun to read about how gothic architecture came to be in vogue after classical was the norm for centuries. It's a very lyrical story, really, on what could be a rather dry subject. And, even better, lots of photos!

I believe that the man of the house has dinner ready, so off I go.

the bluest skies you've ever seen

2008-07-20T19:15:00.000-07:00

...are apparently in Seattle!

Summer has finally settled in, and I have to say, as I do every year, that it's really difficult to find a better place to live when the weather gods cooperate.

Case in point, I took some visiting friends from Scotland down to Pike Place Market on Friday. No rain and not too hot so one could enjoy a leisurely stroll without melting to death.

Not only did the usual assortment of produce impress, but the lavender vendors all had fresh lavender. So lovely! My lavender is in full, fragrant bloom right now as well. If only I could somehow coax the bees to leave me some of their lavender honey, I'd really be living well.

Before heading back to the car on Friday, we stopped at the street window for Three Sisters Bakery so I could buy some pain au chocolat and blueberry scones, and my friend bought a huge challah loaf. Which we later consumed half of along with my mother-in-law's raspberry jam. Just standing around my kitchen cramming carbs in our cake holes. I'm hard pressed to think of a better way to spend the afternoon.

in need of a Nate Berkus rescue

2008-07-14T10:03:00.000-07:00

We love Eddie Izzard. Charles Darwin wrote a very famous book called MonkeyMonkeyMonkeyMonkeyMonkey…and you

And it’s a good thing I had a break to see Eddie at the Paramount on Saturday because I am living in home improvement hell. No, we haven’t knocked down any walls or gutted the kitchen (I wish!). Just a couple of projects that I figured would only take a couple of weekends.

I am now on Month Two.

Big Project #1 – Re-painting the kitchen cabinets. The previous owners clearly did not watch HGTV or DIY, as they painted the cabinets without removing the doors and drawers. Painted over hinges. Painted over pulls. And painted with some hideous high gloss that turned into a nasty, sticky, uncleanable mess.

This was my only motivation for painting the cabinets, as they would never come clean, no matter how many of my brain cells died from copious amounts of Goo Gone.

Magic Erasers? Love them. But they completely shredded on the cabinets.

In my head, it was a very easy project. Remove, paint, re-attach.

What my happy la-la imagination did not consider was:
Remove cabinet doors. Remove painted-on hinges. Break painted-on hinges while using profane language. Remove pulls. Remove pulls with leveraging action of large screwdriver while trying not to stab self. Sand. Sand. Sand. Prime this side. Dry. Prime this side again. Dry. Flip. Prime other side. Dry. Prime other side again. Dry. Paint other side. Dry. Re-sand grime that paint couldn’t cover. Re-prime. Re-paint. Buy shiny new pulls at Lowe’s. Discover that screws are too short for cabinet doors. Return to Lowe’s with sample screw and pull to find new match. Discover that new screws are too long for drawer. Discover that stock screws work just fine in drawer. Discover that doors are thicker than drawers. Discover that mounting screws for kitchen light (next story) would actually work in doors. Go to McLendon’s for door screws. Get confused over eleventy billion different sizes of screws on workbench and call it a day.

Big Project #2 – Replace “dining room” light. This isn’t necessarily a big project in concrete terms, but it’s big in my mind because the previous owners fancied that they could turn a 1969 split-level into a Victorian tea room. The light was a level of cheap frippery beyond anything I imagined could actually be sold in stores. What should have been a quick 20-minute change out, turned into an hour-plus ordeal since the mounting fixture that came with our new, modern light fixture didn’t not work in any way, shape, or form. The screws that were supposed to be bolted to the cap absolutely would not do what they were supposed to do. Luckily, I have a very patient husband who figured out how to make it work. And the upside being that the mounting screws that didn’t work did work for my cabinet pulls.

Big Project #3 – Re-paint bathrooms. I had no illusions that I would have time to finish this task before August, but I decided to get a start by scrubbing the doors with my Magic Erasers. I knew that the master bath had previously been gold. Yes, gold. One can see the streaks of gold through the white paint since the previous owners did not bother to prime over the gold. So revealing more gold while Magic Erasering came as no surprise. However, whilst Magic Erasering the door in the guest bathroom, I discovered purple. So even the bathroom used to be purple. It wasn’t enough the floors, kitchen, and spare bedroom were purple (the floors and spare bedroom still are, much to my dismay). Upon discovering a purple corner on the guest bath door, I threw away the Magic Eraser and had a cookie.

Actually, I had four cookies. But they’re small Trader Joe’s chocolate chip cookies, so it really only counted as two normal cookies.

Big Project #4 – Clean the deck. This I did want to complete quickly since we have company this week. I know my company doesn’t care if my deck is dirty, but it’s more important that I care that the deck is dirty. Cost Plus (I supposed non-West Coast people call it World Market) was having a huge clearance sale, so I picked up summery things for my deck. Cheery bamboo mats for the table to replace the BBQ-dust covered tablecloth. Candle laterns for tealights. Cushions for extra folding chairs, if need be since we only have two deck chairs. Nobody ever wants to come to our house, and husband doesn’t sit, so I’m pretty much the only one in need of sitting out there. So on the rare occasion that we have company, there’s no place to sit. I cleaned out the IKEA drawer set that’s out there, which is totally empty but something we don’t want to get rid of since it comes it handy when we do need it. But, in doing so, I unleashed Mothra. Mothra is now residing in my kitchen. I kept trying to think of Mothra as a butterfly, but Mothra was freaking me out too bad so I went out to my clean deck and watched a movie on my portable DVD player.

Oh, and bonus deal at Cost Plus. For buying all that sale crap, they gave me a free Cost Plus canvas back so I can be an eco-friendly shopper the next time I visit (which is likely never since husband saw how much crap I bought).

Big Project #5 – Replace purple carpet and old kitchen appliances. This one will be happening any day now as soon as I win the HGTV Design Star $5000 giveaway, the Food Network Star new kitchen appliances giveaway, and Lumber Liquidators $5000 flooring giveaway. Oh, and the DIY Network’s $100,000 new tools giveaway (which I obviously will NOT be using for tools).

I poke badgers with spoons

2008-07-12T15:41:00.000-07:00

It's official. The stupidest shoppers in the world can be found at Toys R Us. I supposed this doesn't come as a shock to anyone who actually frequents Toys R Us, but I believe the last time I was in a Toys R Us was around 2 years ago.

There I was, trying to find a large inflatable beach ball. And some harpie was having a complete meltdown, yammering at her husband about how ANGRY she was that she could find something she was after in the Summer Fun section. Her husband was about the size of Chewbacca and continually stood in the way of my cart while he tried to placate his harpie wife with "honey, what about this?" "honey, what about that?" while she continued to tirade about how ANGRY she was.

Lady, it's a Toys R Us. Find a real problem before you get angry.

But I'm going to put her yuppie stupidity out of my mind because tonight we go see Eddie Izzard!

First I must go chugalug some iced tea. I've been on liquid restriction most of the day since it was marathon hair appointment day, which means I'm sitting in the chair for 2 hours while she colors and cuts. Nobody wants to have to pee while wearing a salon robe and sporting Medusa hair full of dye.

Save the Chocolate

2008-06-28T11:08:00.001-07:00

All of a sudden it's HOT here. We go from one extreme to the other. First it was crappy. Then we had some beautiful days this week in the mid-70's. And now it's supposed to be in the 90's for the next few days (and humid!).

When we got home from the farmer's market this morning and the house was already stuffy, I thought "Holy crap! My chocolate!" My glorious stash of chocolate that I collect and that I received for my birthday is on the verge of disaster. I lost my entire chocolate stash last summer when it hit 90 degrees outside, as it only takes a few hours before it's 87 degrees in the house. That's not a healthy environment for chocolate! And putting it in the fridge makes it too cold so it gets weird.

Then my husband had the genius idea that I should put it in the wine cellar (the dark little crawl space under the stairs in which one can find wine, air mattresses, and Christmas decorations). So I sprang into action and cleaned all chocolate out of the cupboards and relocated it to the wine cellar. Disaster averted!

I'm feeling much better about life now. Except I have to clean the bathrooms.

The reading meme

2008-06-25T15:31:00.001-07:00

The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed. I think I can do a little better than that.

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.

1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien - I tried, but they're SO DULL
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte - One of my favorites
4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible - Not the whole thing, but I spent my time in Sunday School and Catechism
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell - Gawd, what a dullard
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman - I only read The Golden Compass
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens - I'm not a Dickens fan, though.
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare - Some! Nobody has read all of it. And plays meant to be read anyway! And sonnets are redundant.
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier I always wanted to read this.
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger - Believe it or not, I missed this when I changed schools.
19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger I have this at home.
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot I don't even know why I want to read this.
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck - Steinbeck puts me to sleep!
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen I don't typically read Austen, but I really liked this one. One of her smarter female characters.
36. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
37. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
38. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
39. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
40. Animal Farm - George Orwell - I hated this more than 1984.
41. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown The most brainless book to ever earn eleventy billion dollars.
42. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
43. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
44. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
45. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
46. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
47. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood - It's the only Atwood book I really got into. Excellent on so many levels.
48. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
49. Atonement - Ian McEwan Only about 5 chapters. McEwan stimies you in the details.
50. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
51. Dune - Frank Herbert
52. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
53. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
54. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
55. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
56. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens - Why did they make us read so much bloody Dickens in high school?
57. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
58. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
59. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
60. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck - And so much friggin' Steinbeck!
61. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
62. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
63. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
64. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas - I read this in my high school senior French class. What a hoot to read a book in a foreign language and actually understand it!
65. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
66. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
67. Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding
68. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
69. Moby Dick - Herman Melville - Another high school torture.
70. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens - Gah!
71. Dracula - Bram Stoker - Read this in college. I can't remember the name of the class, but we read Dracula, Frankenstein, A Christmas Carol, and the Batman graphic novel. The prof was a bit off, but fun.
72.The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett - I loved this around the age of 11 or so.
73. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
74. Ulysses - James Joyce
75. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
76. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
77. Germinal - Emile Zola
78. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
79. Possession - AS Byatt
80. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens The only Dickens I can stomach.
81. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
82. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
83. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
84. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
85. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
86. Charlotte's Web - EB White I remember crying so hard at the end of this when I was a kid. And I hate spiders!
87. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
88. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
89. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
90. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
91. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery Le Petit Prince en francais! I didn't like it, though.
92. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
93. Watership Down - Richard Adams This was as torturous as Animal Farm. I had to read both in 8th grade, and hated them!
94. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
95. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
96. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
97. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl - I loved this SO MUCH as a kid. I read it over and over and over. And the sequel, too. Charlie and the Glass Elevator or something? Such a wonderful story about good things happening to a good kid and all the brats getting what they deserved. I read it every time I felt picked on.
98. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo Snoozerville

No idea what happened to 99 & 100!

Can you pick the Monday?

2008-06-24T07:36:00.000-07:00

Here’s a game we’re going to play. I’m going to describe three separate days of my life, and you see if you can pick out the Monday! Fun, eh?

Okay, here we go!

One Day of My Life:

Copious amounts of the best kind of food – meaning, snacks! Cheese, salami, salads, chocolate. Oh, and mimosas. Heavy on the mimosa and the chocolate.

Another Day of My Life:

Making pretty in the yard. Heliotropes and coleus…dahlias and phlox…. Oh, and ice cream. Laying in the back yard reading.

And the Third Day of My Life:

Waking up at 5:30 am. Confined indoors for 8.5 hours. Staying up too late watching Oprah just because Steve Carrell was on, and I needed a laugh. Cleaning toilets.

Can you pick the Monday? Can you? Wow, your powers of deduction are ASTOUNDING!

In other news, my sister is a genius, and her post about sucking at stuff is a must-read:
http://cursinginheels.blogspot.com/2008/06/letting-yourself-suck.html

important service

2008-06-19T08:32:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to compile all the important work that a friend and I did yesterday. It all started with an email from her....

Tag, you're it

To which I cleverly responded:

Hee!!

Her:
The hockey season is over, what's a guy to do...

Me:
There's always tennis!

Her:
Or, should the weather be fine, a swim?

Me:
Ah yes, swimming! But don't forget to bring a change of clothes for when it's time to get back to business.

I want extra credit for refraining from sending buff Daniel in the ocean while you're at work.

Her:
Yes, tho' (there's a rumour going around that) it's almost summer, so no one will mind if you want to undo a couple of buttons and let your hair down. ;-)

Me:
Well heck, if it's summer, that means it's time for frolicking in the great outdoors!

Her:
...and soaking up some rays...

Me:
Go for a spin with the top down!

Her:
Enjoy an evening out with a friend.

There are, obviously, many fabulous pics of Gerry out there but this one made me laugh. Plus, this means Gerry is taller than me, so I'm happy. ;-)

Me:
And since we're among friends, you can just kick back and relax.

Her:
...and let it all hang out...

(LOL, I'm so sorry, but I couldn't resist!)

Me:
But be careful! Idleness can lead to a life of crime!

Her:
So consider the consequences of your actions. Behave accordingly--and look damn fine doing it.

Me:
Because even in the midst of peril, it's important to accessorize.

Her:
But, remember, when working with accessories one should rigorously apply a liberal dose of caution and good taste. As Coco Chanel famously said, "A woman should always take one item off before leaving the house"--an adage that is doubly true for men.

L!O!L!

in memoriam

2008-06-17T16:01:00.001-07:00

After seeing Singing in the Rain, I wanted to be Cyd Charisse when I grew up. She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen (and, really, still is).

order your t-shirts now

2008-06-17T14:11:00.000-07:00

I’m stealing from myself, so that doesn’t count as plagiarism, right?

There are many campaigns going on in the world. Save the Earth (because it’s the only planet with chocolate). End This War. Obama ’08. Race for the Cure. The One Campaign. Fund Our Schools. French Cuisine Kills Bunnies.

But it seems to me that the world is missing a very important activist cause right now. That would be the Undoing Seriously Unenlightened Coffee Klutzes campaign. U-SUCK for short.

Okay, so maybe I need to work on the name a little bit, but the purpose of U-SUCK would be to put an end to the people in line at Starbucks who order a venti six shot banana meringue mocha 3/4 full with half-whip, half-yak foam.

Over. Done with.

Granted, it’s Starbucks’ fault for catering to this milkshake population to begin with, but I can’t stand in another line for eleventy billion years while the moron in front of me has to read her drink order off a parchment scroll so she can actually remember how stupid her order is, let alone the poor barista trying to write 6x M BaM ¾ ½ wh + ½ yf on the paper cup.

The 1st stage of my campaign would involve simple shoving those people out of line. If they try to get back in line, we haul them off to a coffee reprogramming center in Guatamala.

The 2nd stage of my campaign would be directed at the person who gets in line at 7 am with a drink list for her entire office because she thinks it’ll make her popular to bring all 458 of her co-workers coffee (who all happen to drink venti breve macchiatos with extra whip). She then must proceed to tell the barista fascinating details about each of those co-workers while the overtaxed barista is trying to make 458 venti breve macchiatos.

The solution for this would be a swift kick to the back of her knees, followed by intensive psychiatric care until she understands that holding up the line in Starbucks at 7 am for her 458 ungrateful coworkers will not make her more valued or more loved. It just makes her a sucker who annoys the crap out of everybody else in line at Starbucks.

I know this may sound somewhat violent and snobby, but I believe it’s really for everyone’s good. You won’t find me sniffing and swishing coffee and remarking on the undernotes like a seasoned sommelier. (Actually, I wouldn’t do that with wine either. Spit out wine? Are you CRAZY?) But this is simply a practical matter and will improve everyone’s standing in the world. Any remaining persons who desired a caffeinated milkshake would then be forced to go to Dunkin Donuts, and my mornings would be much happier. A nice by-product of this would be that Starbucks would eventually get rid of the caffeinated milkshake beverages (well, except for the coffee frappuccino; I’m not a Puritan, people!). We could then return the good ol’ days of streamlined coffee ordering where the only decision was between a latte and a cappuccino.

Another excellent by-product of this campaign would be that McDonald’s would have to stop running their inane ads that imply that going to Starbucks is way too posh for the general public, so we should go to McD’s and order a “latte” made from powdered coffee and powdered milk in a 7-11 machine. Please. Any troglodyte can (and does!) hang out at Starbucks. And Sanka isn’t espresso. Ever.

All I need now are some U-SUCK wrist bands, and I’ll be in business.

ma vie en rose

2008-06-16T14:13:00.000-07:00

My car is dead. As in D – E – A – D. As in had to be towed to the dealer dead. As in there shouldn’t be a damn thing wrong with it because it’s only four years old, and I drove it all day yesterday without incident, but apparently it has PMS, so it refused to start and wouldn’t even go into gear to move it out of the garage kind of dead.

And this, my friends (my vast readership), is because my life is awesome.

But I am wearing new shoes, and it’s above 70 degrees for the first time in an era, so yay me.

You know what would be even more awesome is if they can’t fix my car today, and I have to ride into work with my husband tomorrow morning. My husband who leaves for work at SIX FREAKING A.M.

BlargaBlargaBlarga

And I forgot my iPod at home. I was rushing so much once the tow truck left in order to get my silly arse together before a friend came to pick me up for work that I forgot the iPod. How am I supposed to get through the workday without my tunes, yo!

So I’m streaming KCRW. They’re super cool when one lacks an iPod.

Oh Sweet Jesus, my car will be ready this afternoon. I’m sure this is a greater relief to my husband than to me. He knows how incredibly well I function in the morning (something on par with a Kraken), and I’m sure he was really looking forward to commuting with me.

So there goes $290 to the Nissan dealer. That’s an awfully expensive car wash.

Viva Las Vegas, baby!!

2008-06-13T15:14:00.000-07:00

My sister (aka Cursing in Heels) and I are going to Vegas, baby! I can't even begin to describe how fabulously excited I am about this.

True, we don't go until the end of September, but so what! Bellagio awaits. I know many people think Vegas is incredibly cheeseball. But those people simply have never stayed at Bellagio.

When you can't afford to fly to and/or stay at a true luxury resort beyond the continental U.S., you go to Bellagio (if you're smart). Plus, I scored us a free night at the Westin to start the trip so we don't have to pay crazy-ass Saturday night rates! And I even figured out how to find the cheaper Bellagio rates. They hide them, silly bastages. But I know their tricks.

Yes, that would be me who rocks.

And combined with my favorite cheap-eats locales, we'll be set! We can be posh without spending a lot of dosh. And, most importantly, lounge in the best pool area evah whilst reading trashing magazines, gossiping, and refusing to do anything remotely productive.

Sweet! I can feel the sun already (well, sort of...it may take a while for my frozen, vampiric skin to remember what that big ball of fire in the sky actually is)

Plus, this meets one item on my Celebrate the Last Year of My Thirties list. Vacation! (Okay, so that's always on my annual agenda, but I think I should do something extra-special in recognition of the last year of my 30's. Like go into Christian Louboutin in Vegas and . . . well, all I can actually do is try something on, but that's sporting.)

save me

2008-06-11T20:47:00.001-07:00

Today's headline in the Seattle Times:

Seattle Weather: Colder than Siberia!

And to depress us even more, they showed a map with temps from Siberia, Alaska, and Seattle. Thanks, dudes. That rocks.

So my movie marathonage continues in order to keep myself distracted from eating everything in the house and/or beating myself with a shoe until sufficient brain damage occurs so I don't even notice the weather anymore.

Last night I watched Fin Août, Début Septembre. I found it to be a fairly typical French character piece with some questionable editing, but since Mathieu Amalric was a very cute pup 10 years ago, it was worth the viewing for me. He was excellent in it, but it could possibly be wearing on anyone else who doesn't share my penchant for offbeat acteurs français.

Tonight I watched Look Both Ways. LOVED THIS FILM. I'm not even sure how it ended up on my queue, if by Netflix rec or if I found it in the paper during the year-end Best Of movie lists. It's a wonderful little film. I wasn't too sure about it at first because it's basically about people with various problems, and I typically don't like wah-wah-kvetching movies, but this wasn't like that all. And it's an Australian film, so the bonus is that you don't get a subtitle headache from it! It's one of those films that makes you lament that more films aren't made like it.

And now I must finish laundry. Oh yes, turn green with your envy of me!

to be seen or unseen?

2008-06-09T08:16:00.001-07:00

I was pondering blogging. More specifically, the visual portion of blogging.

When I first started using the internet (back when the Earth was cooling), you only got to know people through their words. Those ancient bulletin boards barely supported formatted text, let alone graphics or user photos. The only thing you could glean about a person was by deciphering their user name. Even when Prodigy and AOL first hit the scene, your first impression of someone was their email address. If CUTIEPIE4YOU posted, you could easily suss out her focus. But if AMARIEM posted (that was me), it was all very ambiguous until the emails really started flowing.

With MySpace, Facebook, et al, it’s pretty much the How Ho Can You Go school of representation.

I choose not to use a real photo for my blogging life, but then somebody said to me the other day “You can always tell the ugly chicks when they don’t use a real photo.”

Err, wha?? I aint no damn ugly chick!

In the several years I’ve been online, I’ve met some freaky-ass people. Super crazy stalker people. As a result, I don’t publicly post any personal details about myself. True, it’s not like any of the super crazy stalker people I inadvertently befriended ever showed up on my doorstep, and I’ve met far more normal, lovely people than crazy harpies, but I find it’s just better to keep the personal stuff between friends. Nor do I feel the need to publicly share all the details of my daily life (mostly because you can’t ever take it back once it’s in print!)

I just found his comment amusing, though. It did come from a younger person who wasn’t around when the Earth was cooling, so I suppose the “if you don’t post who you really are, you must be a hermaphrodite with three eyes” mentality is just part of the evolution (for good or bad) of internet life.

When I objected to this attitude, I received the following response: “But you should post a photo of yourself. You actually look good for your age.”

To which I responded: “Oh thanks! That’s so nice of—wait…what do you mean for my age??”

My only consolation is that he will likely have much less hair and much more beer gut by the time he’s this age!

curses!

2008-06-06T11:13:00.001-07:00

Whilst groggily driving to work this morning, I dared look at the temperature gauge.

FORTY-SEVEN degrees. In June. It is dumping buckets on us as it is. The rain is bad enough, but 47 degrees?? We don’t expect it to be sunny all the time in June. It’s usually a fairly wet month. But it’s at least 70-ish. Somebody please send in the Marines. I need to be evacuated to Vegas.

And to top it off, our cable has been out for two days. It doesn’t matter that there’s nothing to watch now. It’s merely the principle of the thing. It’s in the 40’s, it’s pouring rain, and we have no cable.

Hello, this is America. Isn’t it my birth right to be a couch potato between the hours of 7 and 10 pm when it looks like November in June? I’m sure it must be in the Constitution. Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and cable TV. No, wait. Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, cable TV, and Target. Look it up.

I am swiftly running through my Netflix queue as a result. But sometimes you really don’t want anything more than America’s Next Top Model reruns while you surf the Nordstrom semi-annual sale.

Anyone who knows us (meaning our vast – and I mean VAST – fanbase) will note that my sister is blogging about running a 5k this weekend whilst I am blogging about couch potato’ing. Kindly keep the compare/contrast comments to yourselves. I’m having lentil soup and baby carrots for lunch, and I declined a donut this morning. What more do you want from me?

Nerd Alert!
In other news, I discovered last night that the Alliance Francaise in the U District has Scrabble parties every Friday and alternating Sundays. SWEET. I can easily geek out over Scrabble in English, but Scrabble in French has me in geek nirvaaahhhnnnaaahhh.

apparently I'm bionic, too

2008-06-04T14:44:00.000-07:00

I smell something weird today, but I don't know what it is. I can't even describe what it smells like. It's just...different. I thought it might be my sweater, so I had to smell the collar while sitting here at my desk, which only resulted in getting lipstick on my sweater. Hello, I'm a moron.

Perhaps this has something to do with being dragged underwater by the ankle. Some residual olfactory pseudo-trauma?

In other news, I have decided that I don't feel like working anymore this afternoon. C'est vrai. Believe it or not, I am experiencing a profound lack of motivation at 2:30 in the afternoon. Shocking, I know. This never happens.

Yep....

how we roll in the burbs

2008-05-31T21:13:00.001-07:00

In driving around the neighborhood today, I could see that the stop signs had been graffiti'd. Great. Just what we need.

When I came to the actual stop, I could see that the graffiti was spray painted in white so the sign reads:

STOP
HAMMER TIME!

I about died. Half the signs in the neighborhood look like this. And it wasn't just freehand paint. The HAMMER TIME! is stenciled!

Hi.Larious.

The visual I'm getting of some mid-to-late thirty-something running through the neighborhood with a stencil and a can of spray paint is priceless.

freedom of speech on the fence

2008-04-08T13:04:00.000-07:00

When I was out at lunch, there was a grim reaper protesting in front of the hospital holding a sign that said, "I recommend this hospital." I laughed in a, "Wow, that's totally rude" sort of way. Clearly, he has a serious beef with the hospital, but, hello! People who are going there are probably really stressed out! Have a heart, dude.

Although perhaps his is broken based on something the hospital did.

Apparently I'm undecided on this.

Although he WAS screwing up traffic since all the looky loo's had to stare at him. That does tip the balance against him.

keep it moving, people

2008-04-05T17:03:00.000-07:00

Enough with talking on your cell phones in Costco, people! It's bad enough you drive like a drunkard on the freeway, but get the hell out of my way with your gigantic cart and your "blah blah blah!" It's Costco! It's a search and destroy mission so I can get to the register before the other eleventy billion people in the store.

And why do people jam the aisles just for a free hunk of cheese or paper shot glass of Tropicana? WHYYY?? This is America, where we cram our pie holes with scones the size of our heads and venti caramel macchiatos while waiting for Costco to open its doors at 9:30. Trust me, you'll live without the free 1/8th cut of the Samurai Sam's egg roll!

seriously??

2008-04-03T16:17:00.000-07:00

I must rant about a serious problem.

Dude, I am SICK of reading chick lit books where the author blabs on about her personal issues through her MC. I don’t mean a funny, reasonably neurotic MC who wonders how she would escape her office building if the cute UPS guy turns out to be a native Canadian terrorist hell-bent against Americans for our insistence that “you’re just like us, only you talk funny.” Sure, to date, there’s no record (that we know of!) of Canadian terrorists who want to kidnap Americans for sponsoring The Red Green Show on PBS, but that’s beside the point.

My point is, neuroses made funny is, well, funny! Neuroses completely subverting my escapist fun is COMPLETELY IRRITATING.

I started reading this book called The Corset Diaries. It just seemed like some silly fun. And it was actually funny initially...but then the MC has ALL these issues about her weight and it fell into this completely ridiculous cliche about the supposed fat girl (who’s all of a size 12 like every other woman in the world) and the hot guy who thinks she’s really beautiful, but she absolutely won’t accept that. (And, sidenote, men hate that crap, so I can no longer like a fictional hot guy who puts up with being rejected because the MC is too much of a stupidhead to let the hot guy fancy her.)

It got SO gag-worthy in one scene. The hot is guy is totally trying to mack on her, and the MC actually says something completely retarded to him like, "no, I can't...you can't be attracted to me because I'm chubby…don’t kiss me, it’s too personal…." and totally rejects him. WHAT?? Just fook the man fer crap's sake, he's a hot British guy! When did getting “too personal” with a hot British guy become a bad thing?? Hypothetically in my happy little fictional sandbox, that is. No dear, I have no intention of getting personal with a hot British guy for real. I promise. Besides, I don’t actually know any hot British guys. (Ha! I kid! Smoochies!)

"....but you're so beautiful...what a woman should look like...." "But no, I'm so fat...you can’t want me…." Oh HURL HURL HURL If Clive Owen showed up and wanted to rock my world (hypothetically, love of my life!), my cellulite and muffin top would be the LAST things on my mind. If Clive Owen doesn’t care about my cellulite, why should I? (Now there’s a self-esteem builder for you!)

***Disclaimer: If anyone reading this (ghosts? ether elves? my evil twin?) happened to lurve the aforementioned book, I apologize for any offense that your crazy reading tastes cause you.***

Manslaughter by muffin top

2008-03-26T15:56:00.000-07:00

Seven days past the start of spring.

Forty-five farking degrees! I can't do this anymore. More carbs crammed in my pie hole by the hour. The Guiness people (the record folks, not the beer folks...although that'd be okay) will be following me around. I will be the record holder for most carbs crammed into a pie hole in a 24-hour period. Alternatively, the button of my jeans will shoot off and kill somebody. Then I'll be arrested for manslaughter by muffin top. This just isn't looking good for me!

Naturally, my coping strategy for this is to be a couch potato this evening and watch Donut Paradise on the Travel Channel. Yes, really. In purusing my options for this evening's viewing while awaiting a new episode of (nerd alert!) Ghost Hunters, Donut Paradise is on at 8:00. How delightful. The Travel Channel is normally full of boring crap like America's Top Ten Honey Buckets or World Poker Snoozefest. No Reservations is really the only cool show on that station (well, except the Vegas shows, of which there's been a terrible dearth lately). But tonight they're finally featuring some quality programming in Donut Paradise.

Which won't help one whit with my carb-cramming issues, but Je ne soigne pas!

good news day

2008-03-25T16:01:00.001-07:00

Good news item #1
I went to Target on my lunch break today and bought SANDALS! Lovely, summery SANDALS! No, I'm not the slightest bit interested in the fact that it's 42 degrees outside, so I won't be able to wear them for eleventy billion years. I have sandals, dammit! And they're not 4-inch hootchie cork wedge sandals either! (Note to teenage girls, none of whom would read my blog: Cork wedges looked terrible the first time around.) I'm keeping this as a good news point, even though a silly cow tried to run me over with her cart. What the frig is up with silly cows in Target INSISTING on driving their cart down the shoe aisle when I'm trying on shoes?? GO AROUND, SILLY COWS!

Good news item #2
After Target, I stopped at the grocery store for lunch and found my Berryblossom White tea! I thought it was discontinued! Bless you, Tazo.

Good news item #3
Season 2 of The Riches premieres tonight! Eddie! Yes, I will forget to record it since I always forget to record stuff, so I likely won't ever keep up with season 2, but this just reminds me that I have Eddie tickets, which makes me happy.

Good news item #4
I just received Shakespeare Retold from the library. Wait, is that the title? Crap! Quality of memory will not be listed as a good news item. Anyway, it's a BBC set of new takes on Shakespeare. I watched one with James McAvoy as MacBeth! Except in this version McAvoy was the head chef in a celeb chef's restaurant, said celeb chef taking all the glory for Joe MacBeth's hard work. What's her dink from MI-5 played Lady MacBeth...well, oh crap I forgot what they named her. How happy was I! Will likely watch the new take on Much Ado About Nothing this evening. They're fun. They're not just modern stagings, they're complete re-writes. No iambic pentameter or "is this a dagger I see before me?" AND the MacBeth witches were changed to garbage men. I loved it. Then again, I am a total dork.

errrr....

2008-03-23T11:46:00.000-07:00

According to the calendar it is now spring.

According to reality it is 45 degrees, pouring like a fire hose, and windy.

I simply have no choice but to shove vast quantities of carbs in my pie hole, for I am out of coping skills.

I see famous people

2008-03-12T17:34:00.000-07:00

Snapshots of the day:

*Trying to stay awake during a snoooooooooooozer of a seminar, for which I had to get out of bed at stupid o'clock in order to hitch a ride with Viking Husband (V.H.) since it didn't make sense for both of us to drive downtown.

*Cutting out of seminar during the 3:00-ish break before I went stark raving mad from the repetition. Decided I needed a snack! Walked down to Pike Place to buy pain au chocolat at Le Panier.

*Shoving pain au chocolat in my face while walking along wondering why there's a crowd of onlookers at the intersection where Pike meets the park. Notice cops all around. Perhaps something violent and exciting has occurred! Then see large lighting equipment and cameras. Hear "there she is!" and brain goes click, click, click and recalls some comment on last night's news about Jennifer Aniston being in Seattle.

*Lo and behold, catch sight of (teeny tiny!) Jennifer Aniston while continuing shove pastry in mouth. Must call V.H. to report exciting news, but don't want anyone to hear me being a dork (so Seattle of me). Plus, am not willing to free hand from pain au chocolat.

*Continue to walk around through Market, enjoying the lack of crowds. See familiar man walking toward me. "Who is that? I know him. Who? Who?" Brain begins to catalog all men known to me...then perhaps men on local TV station? "I KNOW HIM! WHO??" Brain hears man speak to woman with him, and brain exclaims, "Holy crap, that's Aaron Eckhart!" Luckily, brain does not transfer exclamation to mouth.

*Aaron Eckhart v. good looking in-person...but shorter than I'd expected. Aren't they all!

*Call V.H. with exciting news. Call sister with exciting news. Crap phone battery almost dead; can't call anyone else with exciting news.

*Waiting for V.H. in lobby of his building. Exclaim, "Honey, I saw Aaron Eckhart!!" Lobby echoes. Loudly. Hoping others exiting building don't work with V.H.

*Finished very healthy Taco Time dinner. Am now hunting for chocolate.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people. And monkeys do, too...if they have a gun.

2008-03-10T11:54:00.000-07:00

We have tickets for Eddie Izzard at the Paramount in July! Wheeeee!!

Yesterday we toured Roman Art from the Louvre at Seattle Art Museum. Spectacular! It was a huge collection, much more than I expected. I figured there'd be a few statues in one gallery, but there were multiple galleries with, yes, lots of statues, but also reliefs, sarcophogi, floor mosaics...so many items. I was wowed. To look at a floor mosaic and realize it was in someone's dining room nearly TWO THOUSAND years ago is just astounding. And the reliefs from Trajan's colisseum blew me away. I'm such a geek, and I loved it!

But we also had signs of spring! Took these photos of the Market (well, the roof of the market to be exact.)

Alright, I started with an Eddie quote, so it only seems appropriate to close with a Roman-themed Eddie quote.

But then the Roman Empire fell like this: "Oh shit." And we went into
what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone
was going, "Errr, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then
there was the Dark Ages. "I can't even see you! Where are you?"

sweetness

2008-03-06T19:23:00.001-08:00

For all who believe that American Idol is a waste of air space, guess what the number2 download is on iTunes today.

Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley

Yay, kid with the dreadlocks. Thank you for singing that one (and not half bad either).

They put the "urrrrrrr"? in haute couture

2008-03-06T13:13:00.000-08:00

Okay yeah, dumb title, it's the best I could think of.

I'm filing a formal complaint with Project Runway. Christian is so chic. Christian is so edgy. Christian is so couture. Christian's collection looked like Big Bird had a baby with a Hot Topic employee! Rami's and Jillian's collections were beautiful. Beautiful! No Big Bird. Beautiful!

My Old Navy-clad self is going to strike fear into the hearts of the fashion industry, I'm sure.

STOOPID entertainment headline of the day

2008-03-05T20:48:00.001-08:00

Is America Ready for a Gay 'Idol'?

Two words, people:

Clay

&

Aiken

Somebody 'splain me

2008-03-05T11:15:00.001-08:00

Am home sick today, which BITES because it's a beautiful, sunny day. Sun being so rare, it grieves me to be cooped up when it appears.

Ah well.

So here are my television options at 11:24 am, PST:

Walker Texas Ranger. Seriously? Somebody actually watches this? I found myself boggled that people actually watched this first-run, but in syndication?

Project Runway. But I've seen them all. (T-minus...well, whatever time I get home tomorrow and can watch the recorded version...until the finale!!)

Wildest Wedding Show Moments on E! No. Just...no.

Some reality thing on MTV featuring skanky ho's. Remember when MTV was actually cool and played videos?

Gone Country. Okay, I admit, I watch this, even though country music makes my ears bleed. But I'm such a sucker for train wreck TV.

Ghost Hunters. LOVE this show. But I can't watch it while home alone. In the morning, in broad daylight. I will still scare the crap out of myself. (But the season premiere is tonight! Hubby will be home!)

Cocktail. Dear TBS: Didn't you get the memo that Tom Cruise causes hives and heebie jeebies?

Hmm, Bobby Flay is sauteeing pancetta on Food Network. May have to stay on this. Although now I want bacon.

Anxiously awaiting the mailman for the Netflix delivery. Colin Firth should be in my mailbox soon. I don't even know what movie is coming, I just know I saw Colin's face on yesterday's Netflix email...okay, here it is. Something called Hope Springs. With Minnie Driver! Eww! Why are they letting Minnie near Colin? Oh, now I'm upset.

I am 12 years old, thank you

2008-03-03T08:48:00.000-08:00

I had BIG plans for the weekend. First, I was going to have a sparkling clean home first thing Saturday morning in preparation for company at lunch. Then I was going to have a fantastic power walk due to the fact that winter has turned me into Fatty McButterpants.

On Sunday I was going to get up early and quest for a spring jacket (important in this part of the world), then go for another power walk, and then spend a relaxing afternoon reading Pillars of the Earth (no, not because Oprah read it, just because of a word-of-mouth recommendation).

Here's what really happened:

Slept til 8:30 on Saturday. Mad-dashed to Trader Joe's. Vacuumed. Determined guest bathroom was clean enough. Shut doors to all other rooms in the house.

Ate copious amounts of pizza and apple pie (and ice cream) for lunch.

Went to Target and bought cute pink plaid jammie pants. Went to Barnes & Noble and bought a birthday present (accomplishment!). Smelled chocolate chip cookies baking at the "Barnes & Noble Cafe" (Please! It's a Starbucks! Just take the Starbucks gift cards!) Went to grocery store and bought chocolate chip cookie dough. Went home, ate miso soup and baked chocolate chip cookies. Subsequently ate cookies. Tried to read Pillars of the Earth. Almost fell asleep.

Slept til 7:30 on Sunday (doing better). Read paper...and magazines. Didn't dress until 10:00 am. Didn't leave house until 11:15 am (after eating more pizza). Spent fruitless 90 minutes at mall interally screaming about the stupidity of jackets with 3/4 sleeves. If it is warm/dry enough to wear 3/4 sleeves, I don't need to wear a jacket! (Probably uttered this out loud as well.)

Returned home to eat cheese and crackers (more cheese than cracker). Went to library to pick up chick lit books (sorry, Ken), then coffee date. Returned home, changed from public clothing to Han Solo t-shirt and new jammie pants (at 3:00 pm). Bought sweater online (telling myself it was a purchase in lieu of new jacket; am best friends with inner voice). Made nachos (small plate!). Ate two more cookies. Watched Pride & Prejudice on PBS. Ate scrambled eggs and toast. Oh, and an apple! (w/peanut butter) Watched Something Wicked This Way Comes. Ate two more cookies. Watched conclusion of Con Air on TNT. Watched beginning of Doom on TNT. Forced myself to go to bed, despite actually wanting to see how Doom ended (yes, really).

But I did take out the garbage AND roll it to the curb!

I heart Mental Floss

2008-03-01T08:56:00.000-08:00

So I'm reading through the Jan/Feb 2008 issue of Mental Floss this morning (in a desperate attempt to awaken my brain since I have to be charming for company today. They have a very thorough and clever article called How to Get Into Heaven, a summary of the world's major religions, along with a few offbeat sects. My absolute favorite part of this article is, naturally, the one on Christianity:

Christianity is more of a conglomerate of independent states than a cohesive nation. Think of it as two primary republics - Roman Catholicism and Protestantism - surrounded by small, satellite countries, the borders of which have been hotly contested. *edit* Today, they tend to view each other as the eccentric but well-meaning guy next door.

Under each religion they have Afterlife: At A Glance featuring currency, accessibility, dining, and accommodations. The dining category for Catholicism reads:

Expect large portions of meat (corned beef, sausage, goat) accompanied by equally large portions of carbohydrates (potatoes). Wash it down with beer. Friday is fish night.

I totally spewed my tea when I read that!

And for Protestantism:
Navigating this terrain gets confusin because Protestant pretty much just means "not Catholic." It encompasses everything from the Church of England (which is a lot like Catholicism, but without the Pope) to the sort of rural churches where you pass around rattlesnakes.

Oh, how I want to be on the writing staff for Mental Floss!

But my absolute favorite quote from this issue is in the 4 Things that Aren't Boring About Grammar article:

In the middle ages, grammar was considered the most important of the seven liberal arts because it provided the key to understanding the Bible, alchemy, and astrology - subjects that conferred a kind of magical power, or glamour. Yes, "glamour" is derived from "grammar."

SWEET!

Good things

2008-02-24T16:56:00.000-08:00

It is finally here.

Roman Art from the Louvre

http://seattleartmuseum.org/

I've been waiting for this for MONTHS. I must be patient and wait a few weeks, as it'll be more enjoyable once the crowds die down (as much as they ever die down around here).

Also good: Sonrisa Modern Mex at U Village, where we ate for lunch. Have now developed a terrible addiction to their tortilla chips served fresh out of the fryer. (Fat grams don't count on Sundays.)

Always good: Target and Old Navy! February be damned, I am snatching up spring apparel deals where I can find them. And how happy am I that spring scarves are in? Not that I wouldn't wear them anyway since I'm always cold, but they're awfully difficult to find when they're not in favor. The timing is excellent because, since our HVAC has been "repaired" at work, the air conditioning runs ALL THE FARKING TIME in my office. Even when it's 33 degrees outside. Awesome.

Probably not good: The Oscars. Who cares, right? Everything comes out on DVD next month anyway, so why watch it and risk the spoilers. I'll never forgive Kevin Spacey for uttering, "I am Kaiser Soze" when accepting his Oscar, and I hadn't seen the film yet.

Very good: I finally found a light fixture for the dining room (okay, corner) to replace the hideous "chandelier" installed by the previous owners.

Trying to pretend it's good: Tomorrow is Monday. Woe!

Ode

2008-02-21T16:31:00.000-08:00

Where oh where has my Berryblossom gone? The box empty, the store shelf shouts "DENIED". My perfect afternoon cuppa. Greens taste like grass. Blacks are too strong for the p.m. But this mild white with the slight hint of berry.... *sniff*

The Holy Roman Empire was neither holy nor Roman. Discuss.

McAuliffe Park

2008-02-21T10:42:00.000-08:00

Clearly, I'm completely addicted to Daily Photo blogs now. So it gave me an idea about finding the lovely, unique attributes in my daily rounds. Problem is, like most people I work all day in a business park and have little opportunity (or weather favor) to take photos.

Plus, there are two very fine Seattle Daily Photo blogs already in existence. Then there's the minor detail that I don't actually live in Seattle!

So in my first exercise to banish winter (if only psychologically) I have borrowed two photos of McAuliffe Park from the City of Kirkland website. McAuliffe is a lovely little spot (once spring has sprung) near my bland business park that used to be a private residence and nursery, but, thanks to living in a place with above-average intelligence, City of Kirkland purchased the old homestead and turned it into a public park. Yay them!

"I was being ironic!"

2008-02-20T16:22:00.000-08:00

I find myself in a terrible dilemma. Tuesday evenings...do I watch The Biggest Loser or American Idol?

For the past few weeks, I've been watching The Biggest Loser whilst parked on my arse stuffing my face with Milanos and/or chips and salsa. (Oh come on, like I'm the only person who stuffs her face while watching other people sweat their stuff!)

But last night began the American Idol "live" episodes. What to do, oh WHAT TO DO?? NBC and Fox even had the commercial breaks synched at the exact same time.

One could say, "DVR!" Well see, I'm the only person in America who doesn't have digital cable. Also, I never watch recorded programs, except for Project Runway, which is, of course, the Holy Grail of reality TV. If I don't catch something during the original broadcast, I just won't watch it. I don't know why, it's just the way it is. I always find something to suck my brain, even if there's nothing else on (CSI marathons on Spike, how I love thee), so I always forget about recorded programs.

I had to make a choice. A difficult choice. I have made a pact that I will stick with The Biggest Loser until American Idol becomes manageable in number. I resent American Idol for making me watching more than once per week anyway. I have terrible commitment issues when it comes to television.

EXCEPT, during the only unsynched commercial break, I discovered there's some totally hawt ~~British~~ Aussie guy on American Idol! Sacre bleu! First, how does a British guy get on American Idol? Second, how did a hawt, presumably heterosexual, guy get on American Idol? Third, he's a totally hawt ~~British~~ Aussie guy, so who cares how he got on!
Luckily, I have another week before I have to make this choice again. I requested counsel on this issue, but all I received was a half-grunt amidst the noise of Grand Theft Auto.

Tonight's gem: Project Runway reunion! Oh sweet caterwauling. Let the fur fly!

where am I?

2008-01-11T15:22:00.000-08:00

Sweet merciful meshugas, I was able to log in on my first attempt!

Yeah, so I haven't posted in, oh, 18 months or so, but every time I try to comment to the uber cool http://cursinginheels.blogspot.com, I can't ever remember my log in.

So here' s my dealio. I've been attempting to craft my perfect story. In other words, I've been racking my brain trying to complete a marketable work of fiction that will allow me to live a life of leisure. Or at least semi-leisure. Or at least the ability to stay up late enough to watch Project Runway without the requirement of having to wake up at 5 am the following morning.

But my dilemma is this. I cannot for the life of me finish a story. The ideas come and taunt me. I write them in a blaze of glory. And then I come to dead halt somewhere in the middle. And then, POOF, gone. Nothing. I don't care anymore. The characters and ideas that saturated my imagination fade into the ether.

It's not a matter of being stuck on a plot point. It's a matter of being completely uninterested in what I started. I just don't care about the world I created or the people who inhabit it.

And then another idea comes along and usurps the previous one.

It would be nice and convenient if my new ideas could somehow mesh with the old ones and I could cobble together one complete story out of all these disparate pieces. But it never works that way. The ideas and characters are always completely different.

And so they all go stale, and I decide that I'm not really a writer but merely a temporary occupant of a sandbox. And that's okay, as I came to that realization a few years ago.

But it does put a serious dent in my big plans to retire before the age of 80!

A day in the life

2006-08-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

Perfectly hilarious snapshot from the weekend. I was cleaning the kitchen yesterday - Erik had made pancakes for breakfast - and I found my tweezers sitting on the kitchen counter amidst the dirty dishes.

"Um, dear, why are my tweezers in the kitchen?" (Because I know damn well I didn't put them there.)

"Oh," says he, "I needed to get eggshell out of the pancake batter."

*pause for my boggling to wear off*

"Wait, you used my eyebrow tweezers to pick eggshell out of batter?"

"Yeah."

"The tweezers I use for my eyebrows."

"Yeah."

"The tool I use near my eyes, you dunked it in eggs."

"I washed it off."

LOL! Just envisioning my husband in the kitchen, having dropped a bit of eggshell in the batter...does he reach for a spoon, a fork? No, the solution that his brain churned out was to go ALL THE WAY to the bathroom, opens the cabinet, finds my tweezers, and goes back to the kitchen. I know that might drive a lesser woman crazy, but I found it hilarious that eggshell in the batter = use her tweezers in his brain.

This is why I don't need much TV. What happens at home is far more entertaining.

Although I do need to stop watching HGTV and stop watching these whining babies on House Hunters bemoaning the fact that $300,000 can only buy a 2500 sq ft house that hasn't been updated since 1995. Oh, cry me a river, woman! Move here where $300,000 will buy you...well, it'll buy you nothing.

zombies R us

2006-07-24T08:12:00.000-07:00

If the temperatures don't cool down soon, I predict much carnage in Latte Land. No one has slept right since Thursday, and the crankiness quotient is increasing by the day. And due to this walk on the sun, we can't actually have our lattes. So we're drinking frappuccinos and iced mochas instead. Between these tons of sugar, the heat, the insomnia, and the Sonics likely moving to hicksville, we have a dangerous concoction.

The weather types are saying that it will actually cool down to 80 degrees by tomorrow. But I cannot tell if that's the truth, or if they're just saying that to save their own skins.

So I am attempting to view Monday as a saving grace since we all get to return to air conditioning! (At least til quittin' time.)

May I should write a zombie story set in Seattle. Something cool like Resident Evil. Only with zombies who wear bad fleece and feed off Starbucks employees.

Oh wait, that's actual real life here. Nevahmind.

It's official

2006-06-28T09:08:00.000-07:00

I'm losing it. I just sent out a company-wide bonehead email, leaving out a tiny "not" from a phrase that was supposed to describe what "does not" apply to attire for a certain fun event scheduled for Friday. So I've just told all our employees that Friday attire does include coconut bras and Speedos.

And now I just spilled my breakfast all over the floor.

Yesterday I had this brilliant team building idea and told some other co-workers that we needed to go see Pirates together and then go to Trader Vic's and drink rum. A positive reaction all around, of course. We even founded an acronym for our business woman's professional development organzation. Defining Excellence in Professional Pursuits (DEPP). Nice and vague and open to all sorts of interpretations, just like any good professional networking group.

I excpect that there's a Top Sekrit HR Commission somewhere waiting to haul me off for PC re-programming for encouraging drinking and boy crushing. Especially since I called myself a spaz in another company-wide email a couple days ago. Someone jokingly threatened to send me to five more HR classes for that infraction. I told him that I originally wrote "retarded" in the email, so now he's sending me to ten classes.