why for

did the maid not tidy up whilst I was at work today? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm??

My house is a crazy disaster and must be tidied by Monday. Yet I have cabinet doors strewn all over the place, dining table chairs crowding out the family room that I want to get rid of but husband thinks we need for company (the whole one time we have that many people over that require more seating than the 6 new chairs we already have), and piles of towels (and more chairs!) in the guest room. It doesn't sound like a lot...unless you've been in my house to see I have no other place to put these things. The garage will be put to use.

And we won't even go into the craphole that is husband's domain where he keeps his clothes (since our closets are so small), the ironing board, and his standing-height desk that features about two tons of mail that needs to be shredded.

But, really, the sun is out and Kathy Griffin is on tonight, so I can't quite be buggered to be productive!

danger, danger

I have discovered etsy.com. Oh dear. Why didn't anybody tell me about this before? Actually, it's probably good that no one told me about it, as in the last 12 hours I have purchased a 1960's tin lap tray in white and blue floral print just like one we had when I was a kid (please, like we're the only people who eat dinner in front of the TV), kitchen towels with some crazy orange flowers, and a 25-count set of vintage French/English flashcards.

What the crap am I going to do with French flashcards? I have no idea! But they were only 5 bucks! I know that some very talented individual would be able to make some cool art piece of out them, but given that it's me, they'll probably end up in some plastic business card holder from OfficeMax.

And THEN I found many sellers on Etsy selling really cool pillow covers. I really want some new pillows for my sofa, but they're all so expensive. And I want something vaguely mod-ish or something happily whimsical (but not cutesy or kitschy, I'm highly particular about this).

But just as I was considering purchasing some, I had the brilliant idea to email some links to my mom to see if she could find similar fabric and make some for me. She said that they'd be very easy to make and would look for some fabric. Sweet! (And I'm sure they are very easy since you're just sewing two squares together, but since, again, we're talking about me they'd end up pear-shaped.)

It's probably a good thing that my house is very small and that I have very limited room for decorative items, or I possibly would have purchased more.

And, while we're on the subject of me being an uber dork, I just made myself some cheap art by typing ampersands in different fonts and printing it on 11 x 17 paper. Did you know that there are ampersand blogs with photos of ampersands in every imaginable form? At least I'm only an uber dork and not a way super uber dork.

Let's see, what other stupid things have I been doing?

Oh, I've been reading this cool (not stupid) book called The Architecture of Happiness by Alain de Botton. No, it's not a self-help book, it's an architecture book. I just picked it up on a whim at the library, and it's really interesting. And fun to read about how gothic architecture came to be in vogue after classical was the norm for centuries. It's a very lyrical story, really, on what could be a rather dry subject. And, even better, lots of photos!

I believe that the man of the house has dinner ready, so off I go.

the bluest skies you've ever seen

...are apparently in Seattle!

Summer has finally settled in, and I have to say, as I do every year, that it's really difficult to find a better place to live when the weather gods cooperate.

Case in point, I took some visiting friends from Scotland down to Pike Place Market on Friday. No rain and not too hot so one could enjoy a leisurely stroll without melting to death.

Not only did the usual assortment of produce impress, but the lavender vendors all had fresh lavender. So lovely! My lavender is in full, fragrant bloom right now as well. If only I could somehow coax the bees to leave me some of their lavender honey, I'd really be living well.

Before heading back to the car on Friday, we stopped at the street window for Three Sisters Bakery so I could buy some pain au chocolat and blueberry scones, and my friend bought a huge challah loaf. Which we later consumed half of along with my mother-in-law's raspberry jam. Just standing around my kitchen cramming carbs in our cake holes. I'm hard pressed to think of a better way to spend the afternoon.

in need of a Nate Berkus rescue

We love Eddie Izzard. Charles Darwin wrote a very famous book called MonkeyMonkeyMonkeyMonkeyMonkey…and you

And it’s a good thing I had a break to see Eddie at the Paramount on Saturday because I am living in home improvement hell. No, we haven’t knocked down any walls or gutted the kitchen (I wish!). Just a couple of projects that I figured would only take a couple of weekends.

I am now on Month Two.

Big Project #1 – Re-painting the kitchen cabinets. The previous owners clearly did not watch HGTV or DIY, as they painted the cabinets without removing the doors and drawers. Painted over hinges. Painted over pulls. And painted with some hideous high gloss that turned into a nasty, sticky, uncleanable mess.

This was my only motivation for painting the cabinets, as they would never come clean, no matter how many of my brain cells died from copious amounts of Goo Gone.

Magic Erasers? Love them. But they completely shredded on the cabinets.

In my head, it was a very easy project. Remove, paint, re-attach.

What my happy la-la imagination did not consider was:
Remove cabinet doors. Remove painted-on hinges. Break painted-on hinges while using profane language. Remove pulls. Remove pulls with leveraging action of large screwdriver while trying not to stab self. Sand. Sand. Sand. Prime this side. Dry. Prime this side again. Dry. Flip. Prime other side. Dry. Prime other side again. Dry. Paint other side. Dry. Re-sand grime that paint couldn’t cover. Re-prime. Re-paint. Buy shiny new pulls at Lowe’s. Discover that screws are too short for cabinet doors. Return to Lowe’s with sample screw and pull to find new match. Discover that new screws are too long for drawer. Discover that stock screws work just fine in drawer. Discover that doors are thicker than drawers. Discover that mounting screws for kitchen light (next story) would actually work in doors. Go to McLendon’s for door screws. Get confused over eleventy billion different sizes of screws on workbench and call it a day.


Big Project #2 – Replace “dining room” light. This isn’t necessarily a big project in concrete terms, but it’s big in my mind because the previous owners fancied that they could turn a 1969 split-level into a Victorian tea room. The light was a level of cheap frippery beyond anything I imagined could actually be sold in stores. What should have been a quick 20-minute change out, turned into an hour-plus ordeal since the mounting fixture that came with our new, modern light fixture didn’t not work in any way, shape, or form. The screws that were supposed to be bolted to the cap absolutely would not do what they were supposed to do. Luckily, I have a very patient husband who figured out how to make it work. And the upside being that the mounting screws that didn’t work did work for my cabinet pulls.

Big Project #3 – Re-paint bathrooms. I had no illusions that I would have time to finish this task before August, but I decided to get a start by scrubbing the doors with my Magic Erasers. I knew that the master bath had previously been gold. Yes, gold. One can see the streaks of gold through the white paint since the previous owners did not bother to prime over the gold. So revealing more gold while Magic Erasering came as no surprise. However, whilst Magic Erasering the door in the guest bathroom, I discovered purple. So even the bathroom used to be purple. It wasn’t enough the floors, kitchen, and spare bedroom were purple (the floors and spare bedroom still are, much to my dismay). Upon discovering a purple corner on the guest bath door, I threw away the Magic Eraser and had a cookie.

Actually, I had four cookies. But they’re small Trader Joe’s chocolate chip cookies, so it really only counted as two normal cookies.

Big Project #4 – Clean the deck. This I did want to complete quickly since we have company this week. I know my company doesn’t care if my deck is dirty, but it’s more important that I care that the deck is dirty. Cost Plus (I supposed non-West Coast people call it World Market) was having a huge clearance sale, so I picked up summery things for my deck. Cheery bamboo mats for the table to replace the BBQ-dust covered tablecloth. Candle laterns for tealights. Cushions for extra folding chairs, if need be since we only have two deck chairs. Nobody ever wants to come to our house, and husband doesn’t sit, so I’m pretty much the only one in need of sitting out there. So on the rare occasion that we have company, there’s no place to sit. I cleaned out the IKEA drawer set that’s out there, which is totally empty but something we don’t want to get rid of since it comes it handy when we do need it. But, in doing so, I unleashed Mothra. Mothra is now residing in my kitchen. I kept trying to think of Mothra as a butterfly, but Mothra was freaking me out too bad so I went out to my clean deck and watched a movie on my portable DVD player.

Oh, and bonus deal at Cost Plus. For buying all that sale crap, they gave me a free Cost Plus canvas back so I can be an eco-friendly shopper the next time I visit (which is likely never since husband saw how much crap I bought).

Big Project #5 – Replace purple carpet and old kitchen appliances. This one will be happening any day now as soon as I win the HGTV Design Star $5000 giveaway, the Food Network Star new kitchen appliances giveaway, and Lumber Liquidators $5000 flooring giveaway. Oh, and the DIY Network’s $100,000 new tools giveaway (which I obviously will NOT be using for tools).

I poke badgers with spoons

It's official. The stupidest shoppers in the world can be found at Toys R Us. I supposed this doesn't come as a shock to anyone who actually frequents Toys R Us, but I believe the last time I was in a Toys R Us was around 2 years ago.

There I was, trying to find a large inflatable beach ball. And some harpie was having a complete meltdown, yammering at her husband about how ANGRY she was that she could find something she was after in the Summer Fun section. Her husband was about the size of Chewbacca and continually stood in the way of my cart while he tried to placate his harpie wife with "honey, what about this?" "honey, what about that?" while she continued to tirade about how ANGRY she was.

Lady, it's a Toys R Us. Find a real problem before you get angry.

But I'm going to put her yuppie stupidity out of my mind because tonight we go see Eddie Izzard!

First I must go chugalug some iced tea. I've been on liquid restriction most of the day since it was marathon hair appointment day, which means I'm sitting in the chair for 2 hours while she colors and cuts. Nobody wants to have to pee while wearing a salon robe and sporting Medusa hair full of dye.