I don’t like Thanksgiving, okay?! I just don’t. I don’t like dry turkey or soggy stuffing or cranberry sauce. I’m not a gravy girl. I’d rather put butter all over my potatoes.
And I really don’t like pumpkin pie. Why not chocolate? Chocolate never hurt anybody (much). And scientists have proven that chocolate is healthy (sort of).
Why can’t we just eat artichoke dip all day and then have tacos for dinner? Why boring, bland, white bread food? We’re not Puritans. Spice is important. Fun is important. Lots and lots of wine is important (and will be consumed since we put the fun in dysfunctional).
Here begins my season of Scroogey McScroogerpants. I’ve published fair warning.
Some study was out yesterday that people who express gratitude have better health, and so we should keep that in mind at Thanksgiving. Well fine, but I’m an almost-40-year-old Bitter, and I’m perfectly healthy.
Besides, I am grateful for many things. I am grateful for shoes. And for bad reality TV. And for Daniel Craig, Clive Owen, and Jason Isaacs. I am grateful for peppermint mochas, which take down my Scroogey McScroogerpants mood a few levels. I am grateful for 30 Rock, Jon Stewart, and Stephen Colbert, else I might go totally insane during the week. I have gobs of gratitude for red wine and mojitos (I used to be grateful for margaritas until they started to injure me). I am grateful for Bono. Oh, and for Las Vegas. And for chocolate croissants. And chips and salsa.
But gratitude for dark Novembers, bland turkey, and a dessert made from squash? Not so much.
I am also ungrateful for stores playing Christmas music on November 1st.
And not grateful at all for the pressure to decorate, which I will begrudgingly do, so I’m not yelled at on Christmas Day for hosting the dinner but not providing a festive atmosphere. (But the only tree will be one that sits on top of an end table and came pre-decorated from Costco Home store.)
In my ideal world, my husband and I would go on vacation at Christmas. But since he’s a much nicer person than I am, he actually enjoys putting lights on the house and doing all that goofy Christmas business that only people with children should enjoy.
So our balance is that he has to take me Christmas shopping downtown to shops where they give you alcohol while you browse. I can’t beat them, I don’t really want to join them, but I can at least maintain a healthy level of intoxication to cope with it all.
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5 comments:
Okay, Ebenezer-pants. Don't make me rattle my chains and haunt you at midnight, cuz I'll do it!! (and then we could go out for drinks and dancing and stuff).
I'm all for taco dinners on Thanksgiving. Though, allow me to point out that our Thanksgivings were bland because the people cooking them a)did not believe in salt or spices of any kind, and b) Thought cooking a turkey for three days was fine, and thought it taking everyone an hour and a half to chew one piece meant were were just savoring the (non-existent) flavor.
As long as you don't call me Neezie, that's just dandy.
I was *this close* to just buying Trader Joe's stuffing, shoveling it into my own baking dish, and presenting it as my own. Really, who'd know! But Erik sucks at keeping a cover for me.
And don't forget the year of the barbequed turkey. I don't think we ate til 9:00 that night. Nice idea in theory. Didn't work so well in reality.
But you're right about the salt. That's why I LOVED Stove Top stuffing as a kid. Enough salt to kill an Amy-sized slug. I must have been suffering salt deprivation. I didn't realize how gross it was til I ate it as an adult.
You know, you've almost got me feeling ungrateful. You're a persuasive person, Ms. Ellis, why didn't you run for president?
I don't like pumpkin pie either!
Yuck!
Woo hoo, I shall spread my Ungratefulness throughout the land, turning normally thankful people into Bitters (Until V clunks me over the head with her chains.)
I blame the pumpkin pie.
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