freedom of speech on the fence

When I was out at lunch, there was a grim reaper protesting in front of the hospital holding a sign that said, "I recommend this hospital." I laughed in a, "Wow, that's totally rude" sort of way. Clearly, he has a serious beef with the hospital, but, hello! People who are going there are probably really stressed out! Have a heart, dude.

Although perhaps his is broken based on something the hospital did.

Apparently I'm undecided on this.

Although he WAS screwing up traffic since all the looky loo's had to stare at him. That does tip the balance against him.

keep it moving, people

Enough with talking on your cell phones in Costco, people! It's bad enough you drive like a drunkard on the freeway, but get the hell out of my way with your gigantic cart and your "blah blah blah!" It's Costco! It's a search and destroy mission so I can get to the register before the other eleventy billion people in the store.

And why do people jam the aisles just for a free hunk of cheese or paper shot glass of Tropicana? WHYYY?? This is America, where we cram our pie holes with scones the size of our heads and venti caramel macchiatos while waiting for Costco to open its doors at 9:30. Trust me, you'll live without the free 1/8th cut of the Samurai Sam's egg roll!

seriously??

I must rant about a serious problem.

Dude, I am SICK of reading chick lit books where the author blabs on about her personal issues through her MC. I don’t mean a funny, reasonably neurotic MC who wonders how she would escape her office building if the cute UPS guy turns out to be a native Canadian terrorist hell-bent against Americans for our insistence that “you’re just like us, only you talk funny.” Sure, to date, there’s no record (that we know of!) of Canadian terrorists who want to kidnap Americans for sponsoring The Red Green Show on PBS, but that’s beside the point.

My point is, neuroses made funny is, well, funny! Neuroses completely subverting my escapist fun is COMPLETELY IRRITATING.

I started reading this book called The Corset Diaries. It just seemed like some silly fun. And it was actually funny initially...but then the MC has ALL these issues about her weight and it fell into this completely ridiculous cliche about the supposed fat girl (who’s all of a size 12 like every other woman in the world) and the hot guy who thinks she’s really beautiful, but she absolutely won’t accept that. (And, sidenote, men hate that crap, so I can no longer like a fictional hot guy who puts up with being rejected because the MC is too much of a stupidhead to let the hot guy fancy her.)

It got SO gag-worthy in one scene. The hot is guy is totally trying to mack on her, and the MC actually says something completely retarded to him like, "no, I can't...you can't be attracted to me because I'm chubby…don’t kiss me, it’s too personal…." and totally rejects him. WHAT?? Just fook the man fer crap's sake, he's a hot British guy! When did getting “too personal” with a hot British guy become a bad thing?? Hypothetically in my happy little fictional sandbox, that is. No dear, I have no intention of getting personal with a hot British guy for real. I promise. Besides, I don’t actually know any hot British guys. (Ha! I kid! Smoochies!)

"....but you're so beautiful...what a woman should look like...." "But no, I'm so fat...you can’t want me…." Oh HURL HURL HURL If Clive Owen showed up and wanted to rock my world (hypothetically, love of my life!), my cellulite and muffin top would be the LAST things on my mind. If Clive Owen doesn’t care about my cellulite, why should I? (Now there’s a self-esteem builder for you!)

***Disclaimer: If anyone reading this (ghosts? ether elves? my evil twin?) happened to lurve the aforementioned book, I apologize for any offense that your crazy reading tastes cause you.***

Manslaughter by muffin top

Seven days past the start of spring.

Forty-five farking degrees! I can't do this anymore. More carbs crammed in my pie hole by the hour. The Guiness people (the record folks, not the beer folks...although that'd be okay) will be following me around. I will be the record holder for most carbs crammed into a pie hole in a 24-hour period. Alternatively, the button of my jeans will shoot off and kill somebody. Then I'll be arrested for manslaughter by muffin top. This just isn't looking good for me!

Naturally, my coping strategy for this is to be a couch potato this evening and watch Donut Paradise on the Travel Channel. Yes, really. In purusing my options for this evening's viewing while awaiting a new episode of (nerd alert!) Ghost Hunters, Donut Paradise is on at 8:00. How delightful. The Travel Channel is normally full of boring crap like America's Top Ten Honey Buckets or World Poker Snoozefest. No Reservations is really the only cool show on that station (well, except the Vegas shows, of which there's been a terrible dearth lately). But tonight they're finally featuring some quality programming in Donut Paradise.

Which won't help one whit with my carb-cramming issues, but Je ne soigne pas!

good news day

Good news item #1
I went to Target on my lunch break today and bought SANDALS! Lovely, summery SANDALS! No, I'm not the slightest bit interested in the fact that it's 42 degrees outside, so I won't be able to wear them for eleventy billion years. I have sandals, dammit! And they're not 4-inch hootchie cork wedge sandals either! (Note to teenage girls, none of whom would read my blog: Cork wedges looked terrible the first time around.) I'm keeping this as a good news point, even though a silly cow tried to run me over with her cart. What the frig is up with silly cows in Target INSISTING on driving their cart down the shoe aisle when I'm trying on shoes?? GO AROUND, SILLY COWS!

Good news item #2
After Target, I stopped at the grocery store for lunch and found my Berryblossom White tea! I thought it was discontinued! Bless you, Tazo.

Good news item #3
Season 2 of The Riches premieres tonight! Eddie! Yes, I will forget to record it since I always forget to record stuff, so I likely won't ever keep up with season 2, but this just reminds me that I have Eddie tickets, which makes me happy.

Good news item #4
I just received Shakespeare Retold from the library. Wait, is that the title? Crap! Quality of memory will not be listed as a good news item. Anyway, it's a BBC set of new takes on Shakespeare. I watched one with James McAvoy as MacBeth! Except in this version McAvoy was the head chef in a celeb chef's restaurant, said celeb chef taking all the glory for Joe MacBeth's hard work. What's her dink from MI-5 played Lady MacBeth...well, oh crap I forgot what they named her. How happy was I! Will likely watch the new take on Much Ado About Nothing this evening. They're fun. They're not just modern stagings, they're complete re-writes. No iambic pentameter or "is this a dagger I see before me?" AND the MacBeth witches were changed to garbage men. I loved it. Then again, I am a total dork.

errrr....

According to the calendar it is now spring.

According to reality it is 45 degrees, pouring like a fire hose, and windy.

I simply have no choice but to shove vast quantities of carbs in my pie hole, for I am out of coping skills.

I see famous people

Snapshots of the day:

*Trying to stay awake during a snoooooooooooozer of a seminar, for which I had to get out of bed at stupid o'clock in order to hitch a ride with Viking Husband (V.H.) since it didn't make sense for both of us to drive downtown.

*Cutting out of seminar during the 3:00-ish break before I went stark raving mad from the repetition. Decided I needed a snack! Walked down to Pike Place to buy pain au chocolat at Le Panier.

*Shoving pain au chocolat in my face while walking along wondering why there's a crowd of onlookers at the intersection where Pike meets the park. Notice cops all around. Perhaps something violent and exciting has occurred! Then see large lighting equipment and cameras. Hear "there she is!" and brain goes click, click, click and recalls some comment on last night's news about Jennifer Aniston being in Seattle.

*Lo and behold, catch sight of (teeny tiny!) Jennifer Aniston while continuing shove pastry in mouth. Must call V.H. to report exciting news, but don't want anyone to hear me being a dork (so Seattle of me). Plus, am not willing to free hand from pain au chocolat.

*Continue to walk around through Market, enjoying the lack of crowds. See familiar man walking toward me. "Who is that? I know him. Who? Who?" Brain begins to catalog all men known to me...then perhaps men on local TV station? "I KNOW HIM! WHO??" Brain hears man speak to woman with him, and brain exclaims, "Holy crap, that's Aaron Eckhart!" Luckily, brain does not transfer exclamation to mouth.

*Aaron Eckhart v. good looking in-person...but shorter than I'd expected. Aren't they all!

*Call V.H. with exciting news. Call sister with exciting news. Crap phone battery almost dead; can't call anyone else with exciting news.

*Waiting for V.H. in lobby of his building. Exclaim, "Honey, I saw Aaron Eckhart!!" Lobby echoes. Loudly. Hoping others exiting building don't work with V.H.

*Finished very healthy Taco Time dinner. Am now hunting for chocolate.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people. And monkeys do, too...if they have a gun.

We have tickets for Eddie Izzard at the Paramount in July! Wheeeee!!

Yesterday we toured Roman Art from the Louvre at Seattle Art Museum. Spectacular! It was a huge collection, much more than I expected. I figured there'd be a few statues in one gallery, but there were multiple galleries with, yes, lots of statues, but also reliefs, sarcophogi, floor mosaics...so many items. I was wowed. To look at a floor mosaic and realize it was in someone's dining room nearly TWO THOUSAND years ago is just astounding. And the reliefs from Trajan's colisseum blew me away. I'm such a geek, and I loved it!

But we also had signs of spring! Took these photos of the Market (well, the roof of the market to be exact.)







Alright, I started with an Eddie quote, so it only seems appropriate to close with a Roman-themed Eddie quote.

But then the Roman Empire fell like this: "Oh shit." And we went into
what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone
was going, "Errr, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then
there was the Dark Ages. "I can't even see you! Where are you?"

sweetness

For all who believe that American Idol is a waste of air space, guess what the number2 download is on iTunes today.

Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley

Yay, kid with the dreadlocks. Thank you for singing that one (and not half bad either).

They put the "urrrrrrr"? in haute couture

Okay yeah, dumb title, it's the best I could think of.

I'm filing a formal complaint with Project Runway. Christian is so chic. Christian is so edgy. Christian is so couture. Christian's collection looked like Big Bird had a baby with a Hot Topic employee! Rami's and Jillian's collections were beautiful. Beautiful! No Big Bird. Beautiful!

My Old Navy-clad self is going to strike fear into the hearts of the fashion industry, I'm sure.