here's what I think

I think that Travelzoo sending me links to $45/night rooms at nice hotels on the Vegas Strip qualifies and cruel and unusual punishment.

I think that chocolate shouldn’t make anybody fat.

I think that the Republicans in Congress need to live out in the real world for a while before they start bitching about COBRA premium subsidies being unnecessary spending. I’d also like to remind them that they had their chance fix the economy and gave a gazillion dollars to banks with no requirements that the banks actually lend the money.

I think that the Republicans in the Washington state Senate need to live out in the real world for a while before they start bitching about how expanding unemployment assistance is unnecessary spending.

I think that companies who knowingly sell salmonella peanut butter to school children should be tried as criminals.

I think that raging-indies who cheer about the Starbucks stores near them closing up should be laid off, too, so they know what those Starbucks employees are going through.

I think that Lucius Malfoy is smokin’ hawt, and Ginny probably didn’t mind being Tom Riddle’s minion for a little while since he was totally cute then, so no harm, no foul with that minor diary incident. Lucius was probably doing her a favor, really.

I think that I really, really need to see the Fanboys movie that opens next Friday.

I think that my sister and I need to live in the same state.

I think that my friends and I need to live in the same state.

I think that Oprah is incredibly annoying, and I have no interest in hearing about how she forgot to find joy in her daily life since she’s a gazillionaire who will never have to worry about losing her health insurance or paying her bills if she becomes unemployed.

I think that it’s okay to watch Oprah when Bono, Stacy London, or Nate Berkus are on her show.

I think that I really like to be home in my jammies right now.

I think that Tim Gunn should show up at my tacky old house and offer to buy me a new wardrobe.

I think that HGTV or Nate should show up at my tacky old house and remodel it for me. Preferably before Tim shows up.

I think that it was really dumb of me to schedule a dentist appointment for 4:00 tomorrow (Friday) afternoon.

I think that my husband is really awesome.

I think that I will be really glad once this week (and my dentist appointment) are over.

will work for chocolate

I just looked at my 401(k) balance.

OH MY GAWD

I've been purposely avoiding it. It does me no good. But we switched vendors, so I had to log on to make sure our online accounts were working. Et, voila, my balance immediately popped up on the screen.

I suppose the good news is that since it is a new vendor, I won't see any history on my quarterly statements, so I can forget all about the money I've lost.

And I'm sure I'm poised for vast riches once it does come back. We really have no choice right now but to buy low, right?

Steven Colbert is right. Bears are the greatest threat to America. COME ON, BULL MARKET!

Wah.

drive-by update

Still have not recovered from the regime change. Watching NBC News tonight and seeing Obama standing at the Presidential podium with Hillary standing to next to him made me "OH MY GOD, THIS IS REAL!" My heart swelled with glee and relief.

We've been completely fogged in since Monday night. Am waiting for the ghost ship or gigantic experimental bugs to show up any minute.

I have too much stuff to do.

Microsoft is laying off 5,000 people. Oy. Am worried about the HR girls I know over there, as their department no doubt will get slashed.

Had a very strange dream where I was visiting my sister, and Jason Isaacs was staying at her house, too. He was having a conversation with me about how he wondered when Google nerds would invent a locating program for women since nerds clearly needed women. I told him that functional nerds like us would indeed need real relationships, but that I thought that uber nerds would likely rather build fembots.

I have named my treadmill Lucius (well, Looshus, actually). It wears only black and silver, it mocks me daily, it is clearly trying to kill me, and it has a strange scuff on it that looks suspiciously like a Dark Mark.

Want to eat cookies, but should get on Looshus instead.

Okay, that sounded bad.

Or maybe not bad.

Gonna go now.

oh happy day

I do not have adequate words to describe how awesome this is, so I will simply post the photo.

I take issue

I just joined www.sparkpeople.com, which is a fabulous fitness/wellness site. BUT their first e-newsletter is annoying me. The article starts:

Wake Up Naturally to a More Energized Day
Small Changes, Real BIG Energy
7:00 a.m.: An infuriating alarm jolts you awake.
7:30 a.m.: After three snooze delays you finally turn it off and force yourself to jump out of bed.
8:15 a.m.: Two cups of coffee later, you're stuck in maddening morning traffic.
2:30 p.m.: You practically fall asleep at your desk

Um, WHO gets to sleep in til 7:00 am on a workday and then not get out of bed til 7:30? And WHO can be sitting in traffic at 8:15 am and not be late for work.

If you’re going to give me advice, then you’d better be realistic. Something like:

5:00 am: Your husband’s infuriating alarm jolts you awake.
5:09 am: Your husband’s infuriating alarm jolts you awake again.
5:18 am: And again
5:27 am: You finally groan at your husband to turn off the damn alarm and get his butt up, cursing the man who invented the snooze button in the first place because you were having a promising dream about Jason Isaacs.
6:00 am: Your own infuriating alarm jolts you awake, interrupting a new dream about someone having rearranged your desk at work because your subconscious is just that cruel and couldn’t possibly let you hang out with Jason again.
6:15 am: Your husband leaves for work, so you finally drag your sorry ass out of bed.
6:20 am: You realize you’re still sitting on the edge of the bed.
6:27 am: You finally get in the shower.
7:15 am: You’re finally ready to leave the house.
7:16 am: You run back into the house because you left your tea sitting on the kitchen counter.
7:30 am: You get to work totally grumpy and will never admit that you’re lucky to have a short commute.
7:45 am: You’re still checking email and trying to figure out what you did with your iPod.
10:00 am: You wonder why it isn’t time for lunch yet.
2:30 pm: You practically fall asleep at your desk.

Now that is a morning in a real life. Not this laze about til 7:30 crap.

TGIF!!

devilry

So I did my weigh-in this morning since Ms. Alden has challenged me to a muffin top throwdown.

The results of the weigh-in weren't pretty. But worse, we then went to Costco, and the entire store smelled like chocolate chip cookies.

Sure, Costco usually smells like bread or muffins the size of asteroids.

But today, the day I committed to a life of carrots and gruel, Costco had to smell like chocolate chip cookies.

However, the trauma only gets better from here.

I went to Starbucks and was just gazing at their menu board while I waited for my chai. And there were all these numbers on the menu board! I was trying to figure out what all these numbers meant. It appeared as though Starbucks had added three new sizes to their drink options. So I'm thinking...WHY do we need a 10 oz drink? 14 oz? 18 oz?

It was making no sense.

So I squinted my eyes to try to actually read the numbers (I am old, after all), and then it hit me.

CALORIES

Yes, it is now 2009, and our silly do-gooder county decided that all establishments must start posting caloric contents for all products. So now you see price and then calories across the menu board.

Yeah, like I'd always thought that venti mocha was health food.

In fact, I don't believe I've ever ordered a venti mocha. Anyone who would order a venti mocha deserves cellulite as far as I'm concerned, so WHY must I be shamed by our do-gooder county into feeling bad about my chai or latte?

Do they really think that anyone ordering a cheeseburger with bacon will be dissuaded by a calorie count?

In other news, we finally assembled our treadmill this afternoon. Talk about your basic marriage-challenging ordeal.

"I need you to hold this steady."

"Dear, it's like five hundred pounds."

"Just hold it steady, I need to get a hammer."

"Dear, it's like five hundred pounds."

"Don't move, I'll be right back."

"Um, hello?"

"Okay, I'm back. Now I'm going to rest this bar against your shoulder while I pound the other end of it into the--"

"Um, dear."

BANG BANG BANG BANG

"Dear, you know that when you hit the bar on that end, the other end hits my neck, right?"

"Almost done here. Just hold it still."

Yeah. But he did buy me dinner and a margarita afterwards, so I guess I forgive him for the neck thing.

if life were fair

If life were fair, I wouldn't have been burning up vacation time for a whole week while sick with a cold (while I have nearly 3 weeks of accrued sick time I could have used had I been sick at ANY other time of the year than during the holiday closure).

If life were fair, Paris Hilton would go away. Completely. Not like dead or anything, just away into obscurity.

If life were fair, my house would magically be all cleaned up when I got home from work.

If life were fair, George W. Bush never would have won any presidential election.

If life were fair, all the food that tastes really good would be healthy for me. And all the foods like broccoli and lima beans would come with warnings about heart disease and cancer.

If life were fair, my sister would be a world-famous novelist right now. Because she's that good. And I'm not saying that just because she's my sister. She did steal clothes from me when we were kids and returned them with salsa stains.

And, clearly, if life were fair, greedy people who broke the economy would have been held accountable and had their golden parachutes taken away and given to homeless people so they wouldn't have to be homeless anymore.

But since that's far too heady for me to address, I'll go back to my sister. We like to say things like, "If life were fair, Clive Owen would be cooking bacon for me right now." Or, "If life were fair, Jason Isaacs would have just brought me a cappuccino with perfect foam."

Alas, as much as we focus on those notions, they don't come to pass.

So I'll just offer this to my sissy:

Look, sissy, even he wears a hoodie.


(Just pretend it's a cappuccino instead of the prophecy.)

for my sister

From my 2009 calendar, Coffee Talk. I thought she'd enjoy Mr. October:

This message brought to you by the You Know You're Old When.... network

I finally used my exciting, new cleaning apparatus today:




Yes, that's right, my life today has been made complete by the Shark Steam Mop. (Well, that and LL Cool J on the iPod whilst steaming hard surfaces.) I have problems with my kitchen floor because it's ugly grey linoleum (it's true, I only live large in my mind). Quite frankly, it's difficult to tell when grey linoleum is actually clean. And I don't like chemical floor cleaners because they all aggravate my asthma and give me a headache. I can use all sorts of toxic cleaners in the bathrooms with no problem, but the floor cleaning gives me issues, maybe it's too much surface area for toxic goo or something since my bathrooms are the smallest bathrooms on Earth so the fumes don't stick around long.

This thing is so cool! It works way better than the Swiffer Wet Jet, and it's not stinky! Then you just throw the pads in the washing machine when you're done! I feel so eco-friendly right now, I expect Al Gore to show up at my door any minute to give me a new Toyota Prius for my trouble.

And now I have sparkly clean floors for our postponed Christmas tomorrow. My family won't know what's gotten into me.

The New Year Survey

1. Will you be looking for a new job?
God, I hope not.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
No. Even if Erik dumped me (which he wouldn't...and if he did, he'd be dead), I've already trained one husband. I don't have the energy to train another one.

3. New house?
Of course. I'm going to win the HGTV Dream House, of course. (And then I'll have to sell it in order to pay the taxes on it.)

4. What will you do different in 2009?
Get on that damn treadmill!

5. New Year's resolution?
I never make them, but we bought the damn treadmill, so I will be getting on the damn treadmill.

6. What will you not be doing in 2009?
Uhhh...? Marrying Clive Owen?

7. Any trips planned?
No, but I'm hopeful for a Vegas trip and at least one Michigan trip. If we keep our jobs, I'll plan for two Michigan trips (provided my sister doesn't make me sleep on her treadmill).

8. Wedding plans?
Not my own!

9. What's on your calendar?
I don't know. I am a firm believer in never putting up the new calendar until January 1.

10. What can't you wait for?
I'm stealng from my friend, Carol, since it's spot on: George W. Bush moving the fuck out of the White House.

11. What would you like to see happen different?
Smart people running this country who actually want to do the right thing.

12. What about yourself will you be changing?
Hopefully a reduction to my muffin top.

13. What happened in '08 that you didn't think would ever happen?
Such deep layoffs.

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
Do I need to be nicer? I always try to be nice (unless they don't deserve it *g*)

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 08?
Not drastically.

16. Will you start or quit drinking?
I will never quit drinking.

17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
It's already fine, I think.

18. Will you do charity work?
I always do. Typically once per quarter.

19. Will you go to bars?
Of course! I often eat in the bar now that smoking is banned. You always get your food faster and aren't disturbed by screaming children. And pubs always have the best food (not best for the muffin top, but oh well)

20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
Yes. I always am (unless they give me road rage).

21. Do you expect 2009 to be a good year for you?
I'd like to think so!

22. How much did you change from this time last year til now?
I sure learned a lot, but I'm not sure it's entirely quantifiable.

23. Do you plan on having a child?
Nope. That ship has sailed.

24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
I hope so!

25. Major lifestyle changes?
I can't say that I have any kind of serious lifestyle, so the only thing that would be major would be a job loss for either of us, and we'll hope to heck that doesn't happen.

26. Will you be moving?
I'll at least spend a nice vacation in my HGTV Dream House in Sonoma, California. Other than that, I don't think so.

27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 2009 that happened in '08?
I won't eat a whole pan of brownies in a weekend.

Right, who am I kidding?


28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
I'm quite sure I'll be asleep before midnight since we're doing our postponed Christmas on New Year's Day.

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
I've already warned my husband not to wake me at midnight just to tell me that it's January, and he simply replied with an evil cackle.

30. Wish for 2009?
Job security for both of us!