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I’m stealing from myself, so that doesn’t count as plagiarism, right?

There are many campaigns going on in the world. Save the Earth (because it’s the only planet with chocolate). End This War. Obama ’08. Race for the Cure. The One Campaign. Fund Our Schools. French Cuisine Kills Bunnies.

But it seems to me that the world is missing a very important activist cause right now. That would be the Undoing Seriously Unenlightened Coffee Klutzes campaign. U-SUCK for short.

Okay, so maybe I need to work on the name a little bit, but the purpose of U-SUCK would be to put an end to the people in line at Starbucks who order a venti six shot banana meringue mocha 3/4 full with half-whip, half-yak foam.

Over. Done with.

Granted, it’s Starbucks’ fault for catering to this milkshake population to begin with, but I can’t stand in another line for eleventy billion years while the moron in front of me has to read her drink order off a parchment scroll so she can actually remember how stupid her order is, let alone the poor barista trying to write 6x M BaM ¾ ½ wh + ½ yf on the paper cup.

The 1st stage of my campaign would involve simple shoving those people out of line. If they try to get back in line, we haul them off to a coffee reprogramming center in Guatamala.

The 2nd stage of my campaign would be directed at the person who gets in line at 7 am with a drink list for her entire office because she thinks it’ll make her popular to bring all 458 of her co-workers coffee (who all happen to drink venti breve macchiatos with extra whip). She then must proceed to tell the barista fascinating details about each of those co-workers while the overtaxed barista is trying to make 458 venti breve macchiatos.

The solution for this would be a swift kick to the back of her knees, followed by intensive psychiatric care until she understands that holding up the line in Starbucks at 7 am for her 458 ungrateful coworkers will not make her more valued or more loved. It just makes her a sucker who annoys the crap out of everybody else in line at Starbucks.

I know this may sound somewhat violent and snobby, but I believe it’s really for everyone’s good. You won’t find me sniffing and swishing coffee and remarking on the undernotes like a seasoned sommelier. (Actually, I wouldn’t do that with wine either. Spit out wine? Are you CRAZY?) But this is simply a practical matter and will improve everyone’s standing in the world. Any remaining persons who desired a caffeinated milkshake would then be forced to go to Dunkin Donuts, and my mornings would be much happier. A nice by-product of this would be that Starbucks would eventually get rid of the caffeinated milkshake beverages (well, except for the coffee frappuccino; I’m not a Puritan, people!). We could then return the good ol’ days of streamlined coffee ordering where the only decision was between a latte and a cappuccino.

Another excellent by-product of this campaign would be that McDonald’s would have to stop running their inane ads that imply that going to Starbucks is way too posh for the general public, so we should go to McD’s and order a “latte” made from powdered coffee and powdered milk in a 7-11 machine. Please. Any troglodyte can (and does!) hang out at Starbucks. And Sanka isn’t espresso. Ever.

All I need now are some U-SUCK wrist bands, and I’ll be in business.