Manslaughter by muffin top

Seven days past the start of spring.

Forty-five farking degrees! I can't do this anymore. More carbs crammed in my pie hole by the hour. The Guiness people (the record folks, not the beer folks...although that'd be okay) will be following me around. I will be the record holder for most carbs crammed into a pie hole in a 24-hour period. Alternatively, the button of my jeans will shoot off and kill somebody. Then I'll be arrested for manslaughter by muffin top. This just isn't looking good for me!

Naturally, my coping strategy for this is to be a couch potato this evening and watch Donut Paradise on the Travel Channel. Yes, really. In purusing my options for this evening's viewing while awaiting a new episode of (nerd alert!) Ghost Hunters, Donut Paradise is on at 8:00. How delightful. The Travel Channel is normally full of boring crap like America's Top Ten Honey Buckets or World Poker Snoozefest. No Reservations is really the only cool show on that station (well, except the Vegas shows, of which there's been a terrible dearth lately). But tonight they're finally featuring some quality programming in Donut Paradise.

Which won't help one whit with my carb-cramming issues, but Je ne soigne pas!

good news day

Good news item #1
I went to Target on my lunch break today and bought SANDALS! Lovely, summery SANDALS! No, I'm not the slightest bit interested in the fact that it's 42 degrees outside, so I won't be able to wear them for eleventy billion years. I have sandals, dammit! And they're not 4-inch hootchie cork wedge sandals either! (Note to teenage girls, none of whom would read my blog: Cork wedges looked terrible the first time around.) I'm keeping this as a good news point, even though a silly cow tried to run me over with her cart. What the frig is up with silly cows in Target INSISTING on driving their cart down the shoe aisle when I'm trying on shoes?? GO AROUND, SILLY COWS!

Good news item #2
After Target, I stopped at the grocery store for lunch and found my Berryblossom White tea! I thought it was discontinued! Bless you, Tazo.

Good news item #3
Season 2 of The Riches premieres tonight! Eddie! Yes, I will forget to record it since I always forget to record stuff, so I likely won't ever keep up with season 2, but this just reminds me that I have Eddie tickets, which makes me happy.

Good news item #4
I just received Shakespeare Retold from the library. Wait, is that the title? Crap! Quality of memory will not be listed as a good news item. Anyway, it's a BBC set of new takes on Shakespeare. I watched one with James McAvoy as MacBeth! Except in this version McAvoy was the head chef in a celeb chef's restaurant, said celeb chef taking all the glory for Joe MacBeth's hard work. What's her dink from MI-5 played Lady MacBeth...well, oh crap I forgot what they named her. How happy was I! Will likely watch the new take on Much Ado About Nothing this evening. They're fun. They're not just modern stagings, they're complete re-writes. No iambic pentameter or "is this a dagger I see before me?" AND the MacBeth witches were changed to garbage men. I loved it. Then again, I am a total dork.

errrr....

According to the calendar it is now spring.

According to reality it is 45 degrees, pouring like a fire hose, and windy.

I simply have no choice but to shove vast quantities of carbs in my pie hole, for I am out of coping skills.

I see famous people

Snapshots of the day:

*Trying to stay awake during a snoooooooooooozer of a seminar, for which I had to get out of bed at stupid o'clock in order to hitch a ride with Viking Husband (V.H.) since it didn't make sense for both of us to drive downtown.

*Cutting out of seminar during the 3:00-ish break before I went stark raving mad from the repetition. Decided I needed a snack! Walked down to Pike Place to buy pain au chocolat at Le Panier.

*Shoving pain au chocolat in my face while walking along wondering why there's a crowd of onlookers at the intersection where Pike meets the park. Notice cops all around. Perhaps something violent and exciting has occurred! Then see large lighting equipment and cameras. Hear "there she is!" and brain goes click, click, click and recalls some comment on last night's news about Jennifer Aniston being in Seattle.

*Lo and behold, catch sight of (teeny tiny!) Jennifer Aniston while continuing shove pastry in mouth. Must call V.H. to report exciting news, but don't want anyone to hear me being a dork (so Seattle of me). Plus, am not willing to free hand from pain au chocolat.

*Continue to walk around through Market, enjoying the lack of crowds. See familiar man walking toward me. "Who is that? I know him. Who? Who?" Brain begins to catalog all men known to me...then perhaps men on local TV station? "I KNOW HIM! WHO??" Brain hears man speak to woman with him, and brain exclaims, "Holy crap, that's Aaron Eckhart!" Luckily, brain does not transfer exclamation to mouth.

*Aaron Eckhart v. good looking in-person...but shorter than I'd expected. Aren't they all!

*Call V.H. with exciting news. Call sister with exciting news. Crap phone battery almost dead; can't call anyone else with exciting news.

*Waiting for V.H. in lobby of his building. Exclaim, "Honey, I saw Aaron Eckhart!!" Lobby echoes. Loudly. Hoping others exiting building don't work with V.H.

*Finished very healthy Taco Time dinner. Am now hunting for chocolate.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people. And monkeys do, too...if they have a gun.

We have tickets for Eddie Izzard at the Paramount in July! Wheeeee!!

Yesterday we toured Roman Art from the Louvre at Seattle Art Museum. Spectacular! It was a huge collection, much more than I expected. I figured there'd be a few statues in one gallery, but there were multiple galleries with, yes, lots of statues, but also reliefs, sarcophogi, floor mosaics...so many items. I was wowed. To look at a floor mosaic and realize it was in someone's dining room nearly TWO THOUSAND years ago is just astounding. And the reliefs from Trajan's colisseum blew me away. I'm such a geek, and I loved it!

But we also had signs of spring! Took these photos of the Market (well, the roof of the market to be exact.)







Alright, I started with an Eddie quote, so it only seems appropriate to close with a Roman-themed Eddie quote.

But then the Roman Empire fell like this: "Oh shit." And we went into
what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone
was going, "Errr, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then
there was the Dark Ages. "I can't even see you! Where are you?"

sweetness

For all who believe that American Idol is a waste of air space, guess what the number2 download is on iTunes today.

Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley

Yay, kid with the dreadlocks. Thank you for singing that one (and not half bad either).

They put the "urrrrrrr"? in haute couture

Okay yeah, dumb title, it's the best I could think of.

I'm filing a formal complaint with Project Runway. Christian is so chic. Christian is so edgy. Christian is so couture. Christian's collection looked like Big Bird had a baby with a Hot Topic employee! Rami's and Jillian's collections were beautiful. Beautiful! No Big Bird. Beautiful!

My Old Navy-clad self is going to strike fear into the hearts of the fashion industry, I'm sure.

STOOPID entertainment headline of the day

Is America Ready for a Gay 'Idol'?

Two words, people:

Clay

&

Aiken

Somebody 'splain me

Am home sick today, which BITES because it's a beautiful, sunny day. Sun being so rare, it grieves me to be cooped up when it appears.

Ah well.

So here are my television options at 11:24 am, PST:

Walker Texas Ranger. Seriously? Somebody actually watches this? I found myself boggled that people actually watched this first-run, but in syndication?

Project Runway. But I've seen them all. (T-minus...well, whatever time I get home tomorrow and can watch the recorded version...until the finale!!)

Wildest Wedding Show Moments on E! No. Just...no.

Some reality thing on MTV featuring skanky ho's. Remember when MTV was actually cool and played videos?

Gone Country. Okay, I admit, I watch this, even though country music makes my ears bleed. But I'm such a sucker for train wreck TV.

Ghost Hunters. LOVE this show. But I can't watch it while home alone. In the morning, in broad daylight. I will still scare the crap out of myself. (But the season premiere is tonight! Hubby will be home!)

Cocktail. Dear TBS: Didn't you get the memo that Tom Cruise causes hives and heebie jeebies?

Hmm, Bobby Flay is sauteeing pancetta on Food Network. May have to stay on this. Although now I want bacon.

Anxiously awaiting the mailman for the Netflix delivery. Colin Firth should be in my mailbox soon. I don't even know what movie is coming, I just know I saw Colin's face on yesterday's Netflix email...okay, here it is. Something called Hope Springs. With Minnie Driver! Eww! Why are they letting Minnie near Colin? Oh, now I'm upset.

I am 12 years old, thank you

I had BIG plans for the weekend. First, I was going to have a sparkling clean home first thing Saturday morning in preparation for company at lunch. Then I was going to have a fantastic power walk due to the fact that winter has turned me into Fatty McButterpants.

On Sunday I was going to get up early and quest for a spring jacket (important in this part of the world), then go for another power walk, and then spend a relaxing afternoon reading Pillars of the Earth (no, not because Oprah read it, just because of a word-of-mouth recommendation).

Here's what really happened:

Slept til 8:30 on Saturday. Mad-dashed to Trader Joe's. Vacuumed. Determined guest bathroom was clean enough. Shut doors to all other rooms in the house.

Ate copious amounts of pizza and apple pie (and ice cream) for lunch.

Went to Target and bought cute pink plaid jammie pants. Went to Barnes & Noble and bought a birthday present (accomplishment!). Smelled chocolate chip cookies baking at the "Barnes & Noble Cafe" (Please! It's a Starbucks! Just take the Starbucks gift cards!) Went to grocery store and bought chocolate chip cookie dough. Went home, ate miso soup and baked chocolate chip cookies. Subsequently ate cookies. Tried to read Pillars of the Earth. Almost fell asleep.

Slept til 7:30 on Sunday (doing better). Read paper...and magazines. Didn't dress until 10:00 am. Didn't leave house until 11:15 am (after eating more pizza). Spent fruitless 90 minutes at mall interally screaming about the stupidity of jackets with 3/4 sleeves. If it is warm/dry enough to wear 3/4 sleeves, I don't need to wear a jacket! (Probably uttered this out loud as well.)

Returned home to eat cheese and crackers (more cheese than cracker). Went to library to pick up chick lit books (sorry, Ken), then coffee date. Returned home, changed from public clothing to Han Solo t-shirt and new jammie pants (at 3:00 pm). Bought sweater online (telling myself it was a purchase in lieu of new jacket; am best friends with inner voice). Made nachos (small plate!). Ate two more cookies. Watched Pride & Prejudice on PBS. Ate scrambled eggs and toast. Oh, and an apple! (w/peanut butter) Watched Something Wicked This Way Comes. Ate two more cookies. Watched conclusion of Con Air on TNT. Watched beginning of Doom on TNT. Forced myself to go to bed, despite actually wanting to see how Doom ended (yes, really).

But I did take out the garbage AND roll it to the curb!

I *heart* Mental Floss

So I'm reading through the Jan/Feb 2008 issue of Mental Floss this morning (in a desperate attempt to awaken my brain since I have to be charming for company today. They have a very thorough and clever article called How to Get Into Heaven, a summary of the world's major religions, along with a few offbeat sects. My absolute favorite part of this article is, naturally, the one on Christianity:

Christianity is more of a conglomerate of independent states than a cohesive nation. Think of it as two primary republics - Roman Catholicism and Protestantism - surrounded by small, satellite countries, the borders of which have been hotly contested. *edit* Today, they tend to view each other as the eccentric but well-meaning guy next door.

Under each religion they have Afterlife: At A Glance featuring currency, accessibility, dining, and accommodations. The dining category for Catholicism reads:

Expect large portions of meat (corned beef, sausage, goat) accompanied by equally large portions of carbohydrates (potatoes). Wash it down with beer. Friday is fish night.

I totally spewed my tea when I read that!

And for Protestantism:
Navigating this terrain gets confusin because Protestant pretty much just means "not Catholic." It encompasses everything from the Church of England (which is a lot like Catholicism, but without the Pope) to the sort of rural churches where you pass around rattlesnakes.

Oh, how I want to be on the writing staff for Mental Floss!

But my absolute favorite quote from this issue is in the 4 Things that Aren't Boring About Grammar article:

In the middle ages, grammar was considered the most important of the seven liberal arts because it provided the key to understanding the Bible, alchemy, and astrology - subjects that conferred a kind of magical power, or glamour. Yes, "glamour" is derived from "grammar."

SWEET!