If life were fair, Paris Hilton would go away. Completely. Not like dead or anything, just away into obscurity.
If life were fair, my house would magically be all cleaned up when I got home from work.
If life were fair, George W. Bush never would have won any presidential election.
If life were fair, all the food that tastes really good would be healthy for me. And all the foods like broccoli and lima beans would come with warnings about heart disease and cancer.
If life were fair, my sister would be a world-famous novelist right now. Because she's that good. And I'm not saying that just because she's my sister. She did steal clothes from me when we were kids and returned them with salsa stains.
And, clearly, if life were fair, greedy people who broke the economy would have been held accountable and had their golden parachutes taken away and given to homeless people so they wouldn't have to be homeless anymore.
But since that's far too heady for me to address, I'll go back to my sister. We like to say things like, "If life were fair, Clive Owen would be cooking bacon for me right now." Or, "If life were fair, Jason Isaacs would have just brought me a cappuccino with perfect foam."
Alas, as much as we focus on those notions, they don't come to pass.
So I'll just offer this to my sissy:
Look, sissy, even he wears a hoodie.
(Just pretend it's a cappuccino instead of the prophecy.)
6 comments:
If life were fair I would get more than six hours of sleep every night and not have to be at work before the crack of dawn.
Just sayin.
Oh, my, now that is hoodie-goodness. He could bring me wads of bugs and entrails in that hoodie, and I'd be okay with it. (and, by the way, why can't I find a hoodie like that at Target? That would go perfect with my favorite pair of fat pants!)
And if life were fair, MY sister would be a world-famous novelist right now, because, yes, she's that good. (and sorry about the salsa stains. I still do that to my own clothes if that helps any.)
If life were fair the container of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies sitting on my counter would have zero calories. And I hear ya on the George Bush thing (he scares non Americans even more than you guys).
If life were fair I'd.....
Dang. I got nothing. You people have outclassed me once again.
Clearly, we have incredibly valid reasons for life to actually be fair. So what gives! Why must we suffer sleep-deprivation, calorie restriction, and continual creative rejection in order to live a so-called proper life? I say no more! I'm going to start a revolution!
**runs out the door, realizes she's wearing her jammies, realizes it's cold, realizes it's easier to go back in the house and eat more cookies**
So...yeah.
And, sissy, I believe you and I are the only ones in the world who would accept bugs and entrails in that fashion. CLEARLY, he needs to buy us cappuccinos.
Not to sound like an ass, last statement about the economy excluded, but none of those things would make life fair. They would however, make you God.
Just an impolite observation.
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