The Reasons Basketball is the Way It Is
11 hours ago
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
This message brought to you by the You Know You're Old When.... network
I finally used my exciting, new cleaning apparatus today:
Yes, that's right, my life today has been made complete by the Shark Steam Mop. (Well, that and LL Cool J on the iPod whilst steaming hard surfaces.) I have problems with my kitchen floor because it's ugly grey linoleum (it's true, I only live large in my mind). Quite frankly, it's difficult to tell when grey linoleum is actually clean. And I don't like chemical floor cleaners because they all aggravate my asthma and give me a headache. I can use all sorts of toxic cleaners in the bathrooms with no problem, but the floor cleaning gives me issues, maybe it's too much surface area for toxic goo or something since my bathrooms are the smallest bathrooms on Earth so the fumes don't stick around long.
This thing is so cool! It works way better than the Swiffer Wet Jet, and it's not stinky! Then you just throw the pads in the washing machine when you're done! I feel so eco-friendly right now, I expect Al Gore to show up at my door any minute to give me a new Toyota Prius for my trouble.
And now I have sparkly clean floors for our postponed Christmas tomorrow. My family won't know what's gotten into me.
Yes, that's right, my life today has been made complete by the Shark Steam Mop. (Well, that and LL Cool J on the iPod whilst steaming hard surfaces.) I have problems with my kitchen floor because it's ugly grey linoleum (it's true, I only live large in my mind). Quite frankly, it's difficult to tell when grey linoleum is actually clean. And I don't like chemical floor cleaners because they all aggravate my asthma and give me a headache. I can use all sorts of toxic cleaners in the bathrooms with no problem, but the floor cleaning gives me issues, maybe it's too much surface area for toxic goo or something since my bathrooms are the smallest bathrooms on Earth so the fumes don't stick around long.
This thing is so cool! It works way better than the Swiffer Wet Jet, and it's not stinky! Then you just throw the pads in the washing machine when you're done! I feel so eco-friendly right now, I expect Al Gore to show up at my door any minute to give me a new Toyota Prius for my trouble.
And now I have sparkly clean floors for our postponed Christmas tomorrow. My family won't know what's gotten into me.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
The New Year Survey
1. Will you be looking for a new job?
God, I hope not.
2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
No. Even if Erik dumped me (which he wouldn't...and if he did, he'd be dead), I've already trained one husband. I don't have the energy to train another one.
3. New house?
Of course. I'm going to win the HGTV Dream House, of course. (And then I'll have to sell it in order to pay the taxes on it.)
4. What will you do different in 2009?
Get on that damn treadmill!
5. New Year's resolution?
I never make them, but we bought the damn treadmill, so I will be getting on the damn treadmill.
6. What will you not be doing in 2009?
Uhhh...? Marrying Clive Owen?
7. Any trips planned?
No, but I'm hopeful for a Vegas trip and at least one Michigan trip. If we keep our jobs, I'll plan for two Michigan trips (provided my sister doesn't make me sleep on her treadmill).
8. Wedding plans?
Not my own!
9. What's on your calendar?
I don't know. I am a firm believer in never putting up the new calendar until January 1.
10. What can't you wait for?
I'm stealng from my friend, Carol, since it's spot on: George W. Bush moving the fuck out of the White House.
11. What would you like to see happen different?
Smart people running this country who actually want to do the right thing.
12. What about yourself will you be changing?
Hopefully a reduction to my muffin top.
13. What happened in '08 that you didn't think would ever happen?
Such deep layoffs.
14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
Do I need to be nicer? I always try to be nice (unless they don't deserve it *g*)
15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 08?
Not drastically.
16. Will you start or quit drinking?
I will never quit drinking.
17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
It's already fine, I think.
18. Will you do charity work?
I always do. Typically once per quarter.
19. Will you go to bars?
Of course! I often eat in the bar now that smoking is banned. You always get your food faster and aren't disturbed by screaming children. And pubs always have the best food (not best for the muffin top, but oh well)
20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
Yes. I always am (unless they give me road rage).
21. Do you expect 2009 to be a good year for you?
I'd like to think so!
22. How much did you change from this time last year til now?
I sure learned a lot, but I'm not sure it's entirely quantifiable.
23. Do you plan on having a child?
Nope. That ship has sailed.
24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
I hope so!
25. Major lifestyle changes?
I can't say that I have any kind of serious lifestyle, so the only thing that would be major would be a job loss for either of us, and we'll hope to heck that doesn't happen.
26. Will you be moving?
I'll at least spend a nice vacation in my HGTV Dream House in Sonoma, California. Other than that, I don't think so.
27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 2009 that happened in '08?
I won't eat a whole pan of brownies in a weekend.
Right, who am I kidding?
28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
I'm quite sure I'll be asleep before midnight since we're doing our postponed Christmas on New Year's Day.
29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
I've already warned my husband not to wake me at midnight just to tell me that it's January, and he simply replied with an evil cackle.
30. Wish for 2009?
Job security for both of us!
God, I hope not.
2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
No. Even if Erik dumped me (which he wouldn't...and if he did, he'd be dead), I've already trained one husband. I don't have the energy to train another one.
3. New house?
Of course. I'm going to win the HGTV Dream House, of course. (And then I'll have to sell it in order to pay the taxes on it.)
4. What will you do different in 2009?
Get on that damn treadmill!
5. New Year's resolution?
I never make them, but we bought the damn treadmill, so I will be getting on the damn treadmill.
6. What will you not be doing in 2009?
Uhhh...? Marrying Clive Owen?
7. Any trips planned?
No, but I'm hopeful for a Vegas trip and at least one Michigan trip. If we keep our jobs, I'll plan for two Michigan trips (provided my sister doesn't make me sleep on her treadmill).
8. Wedding plans?
Not my own!
9. What's on your calendar?
I don't know. I am a firm believer in never putting up the new calendar until January 1.
10. What can't you wait for?
I'm stealng from my friend, Carol, since it's spot on: George W. Bush moving the fuck out of the White House.
11. What would you like to see happen different?
Smart people running this country who actually want to do the right thing.
12. What about yourself will you be changing?
Hopefully a reduction to my muffin top.
13. What happened in '08 that you didn't think would ever happen?
Such deep layoffs.
14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
Do I need to be nicer? I always try to be nice (unless they don't deserve it *g*)
15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 08?
Not drastically.
16. Will you start or quit drinking?
I will never quit drinking.
17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
It's already fine, I think.
18. Will you do charity work?
I always do. Typically once per quarter.
19. Will you go to bars?
Of course! I often eat in the bar now that smoking is banned. You always get your food faster and aren't disturbed by screaming children. And pubs always have the best food (not best for the muffin top, but oh well)
20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
Yes. I always am (unless they give me road rage).
21. Do you expect 2009 to be a good year for you?
I'd like to think so!
22. How much did you change from this time last year til now?
I sure learned a lot, but I'm not sure it's entirely quantifiable.
23. Do you plan on having a child?
Nope. That ship has sailed.
24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
I hope so!
25. Major lifestyle changes?
I can't say that I have any kind of serious lifestyle, so the only thing that would be major would be a job loss for either of us, and we'll hope to heck that doesn't happen.
26. Will you be moving?
I'll at least spend a nice vacation in my HGTV Dream House in Sonoma, California. Other than that, I don't think so.
27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 2009 that happened in '08?
I won't eat a whole pan of brownies in a weekend.
Right, who am I kidding?
28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
I'm quite sure I'll be asleep before midnight since we're doing our postponed Christmas on New Year's Day.
29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
I've already warned my husband not to wake me at midnight just to tell me that it's January, and he simply replied with an evil cackle.
30. Wish for 2009?
Job security for both of us!
blame the cold meds
I just can't stop laughing at this.
Perhaps only Vivi will laugh.
Or maybe it really is the cold meds, and she won't.
Perhaps only Vivi will laugh.
Or maybe it really is the cold meds, and she won't.
Monday, December 29, 2008
good samaritans and stupid heads
One of our neighbors has been shoveling our street ALL afternoon. It was raining like crazy today, but as compact as the snow was from NEVER BEING PLOWED, it just wasn't melting and was creating giant pits of frozen quick sand that was very difficult to drive through. My husband has been out there for the past few days with his shovel hacking all this stuff to break it up and get as much off the road as possible.
And then the good samaritan neighbor did his good dead, out there with his garden shovel, moving all this gunk to the side of the street so we could all function as normal Seattle drivers again.
Not FIVE minutes after he was finished with this stretch of road, a freaking snow plow came through!
I heard this very loud rumbling and ran to the window because I could not believe that they'd have the nerve to send a plow through at this point when we'd already done all their work for them! In fact, I ran down and opened the front door to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me, and exclaimed, "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"
Yes, I know they never heard me, but it wasn't a planned exclamation. It simply erupted out of incredulity.
Stupid heads.
In other news, I have a cold now. How I caught a cold, I've no idea, since I haven't been able to leave the house in 500 years.
Actually, we actually left the house yesterday for a GLORIOUS (seriously) trip to Target and then to Border. We concluded by stuffing our pie holes at Claim Jumper.
But I've had a sore throat for 3 days, so I'm guessing it's some sort of alien DNA because I haven't actually had contact with another human being aside from my husband in quite some time. And he's not sick. Unless he's the alien. It's possible. He does like halvah and sardines (separately).
So I actually spent most of the day at home (aside from yelling at the snow plow and chasing after our recycle bin that blew away). I decided it was good opportunity to watch The Patriot. Only the Tavington scenes, of course, since the film is complete crap aside from his smokin' hawtness. Jason Isaacs needs to play another bad guy!
That is all for now.
And then the good samaritan neighbor did his good dead, out there with his garden shovel, moving all this gunk to the side of the street so we could all function as normal Seattle drivers again.
Not FIVE minutes after he was finished with this stretch of road, a freaking snow plow came through!
I heard this very loud rumbling and ran to the window because I could not believe that they'd have the nerve to send a plow through at this point when we'd already done all their work for them! In fact, I ran down and opened the front door to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me, and exclaimed, "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"
Yes, I know they never heard me, but it wasn't a planned exclamation. It simply erupted out of incredulity.
Stupid heads.
In other news, I have a cold now. How I caught a cold, I've no idea, since I haven't been able to leave the house in 500 years.
Actually, we actually left the house yesterday for a GLORIOUS (seriously) trip to Target and then to Border. We concluded by stuffing our pie holes at Claim Jumper.
But I've had a sore throat for 3 days, so I'm guessing it's some sort of alien DNA because I haven't actually had contact with another human being aside from my husband in quite some time. And he's not sick. Unless he's the alien. It's possible. He does like halvah and sardines (separately).
So I actually spent most of the day at home (aside from yelling at the snow plow and chasing after our recycle bin that blew away). I decided it was good opportunity to watch The Patriot. Only the Tavington scenes, of course, since the film is complete crap aside from his smokin' hawtness. Jason Isaacs needs to play another bad guy!
That is all for now.
Friday, December 26, 2008
crazy koo koo wacko
I can't take it anymore!!!
We were very excited to leave the house today. Have been trapped in house since Tuesday.
Until we discovered that my car can't actually drive through unplowed, slightly melting snow. A monster truck is pretty much the only thing that can drive through our neighborhood right now. Or perhaps a tank.
We had enough momentum to scrape through it down the hill and made to the grocery store. When we came out of the grocery it was raining! Hurrah! The world rejoiced! The snow will melt for real!
And then we went up the little tiny hill toward my house. At the top of the little tiny hill, the rain turned to snow.
And it's been snowing very large wet lakes for the past two hours now.
It was supposed to be 40 degrees today.
Mind is gone. Will never return. Will be trapped forever. Weather people lied. Cannot believe that cities are still refusing to plow residential streets. Would very much like cities to have stoopid pants sued off of them when an ambulance or police car can't get to where they are needed.
Am hoping that stoopid pants city officials have also been beaten with fugly sticks. It is only right for stoopid pantses to be fugly.
Purchased taco fixings and donuts at grocery store. Figured that was all we could carry. Am watching Highlander marathon on SciFi while eating donuts and potato chips.
Will no doubt turn into female version of Comic Book Guy by end of day.
We were very excited to leave the house today. Have been trapped in house since Tuesday.
Until we discovered that my car can't actually drive through unplowed, slightly melting snow. A monster truck is pretty much the only thing that can drive through our neighborhood right now. Or perhaps a tank.
We had enough momentum to scrape through it down the hill and made to the grocery store. When we came out of the grocery it was raining! Hurrah! The world rejoiced! The snow will melt for real!
And then we went up the little tiny hill toward my house. At the top of the little tiny hill, the rain turned to snow.
And it's been snowing very large wet lakes for the past two hours now.
It was supposed to be 40 degrees today.
Mind is gone. Will never return. Will be trapped forever. Weather people lied. Cannot believe that cities are still refusing to plow residential streets. Would very much like cities to have stoopid pants sued off of them when an ambulance or police car can't get to where they are needed.
Am hoping that stoopid pants city officials have also been beaten with fugly sticks. It is only right for stoopid pantses to be fugly.
Purchased taco fixings and donuts at grocery store. Figured that was all we could carry. Am watching Highlander marathon on SciFi while eating donuts and potato chips.
Will no doubt turn into female version of Comic Book Guy by end of day.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Bah humbug
This ranks as Worst Christmas Ever! We got some very sad news from my mother-in-law on Tuesday that one of my brother-in-law's 2 month-old twins died on Monday. On a personal level, I'm more worried for my mother-in-law and father-in-law since I actually know them much better (I've only been around my BIL and his family a few times), and they've already maxed themselves out looking after the older two children for the past few months. Plus, these kids are their only grandchildren.
And while I really have no room to complain given what they're going through, I'm bored out of my skull! We're snowed in again, got another 4 inches last night and it's been snowing heavily all morning. We'd thought we might try to go out for Chinese since we had to postpone the festivities due to weather. But now we're just stuck at home watching bad TV and eating the remnants of what we have left in the house.
So yeah, Merry Christmas and whatever. I just put Bailey's in my coffee so I wouldn't go completely wacko.
But I thought our lights looked pretty buried in the snow, so I took a picture!
And while I really have no room to complain given what they're going through, I'm bored out of my skull! We're snowed in again, got another 4 inches last night and it's been snowing heavily all morning. We'd thought we might try to go out for Chinese since we had to postpone the festivities due to weather. But now we're just stuck at home watching bad TV and eating the remnants of what we have left in the house.
So yeah, Merry Christmas and whatever. I just put Bailey's in my coffee so I wouldn't go completely wacko.
But I thought our lights looked pretty buried in the snow, so I took a picture!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
I needed a funny
I was reading the article in the Seattle Times about why the city doesn't use salt on the roads (WSDOT does because they have brains). Note that even the police can’t get around now because their cars are rear wheel drive. So they’re having to park at the bottom of hills and walk to incidents.
The city is trying to pull the environmental protection card again (they do this thinking we’re dumb and will buy it because we’re all a bunch of bleeding hearts here). They’re saying all this bollocks about how salt hurts the fishies. (But sand and chemical de-icers don’t??) This rare use of salt wouldn't hurt the fishies compared to all the other crap (literally) we put in the water system. And certainly not to the same measure that people who can't get to work or are crashing their cars or can’t get to their holiday destinations are feeling! Not to mention emergency responders or getting ambulances to hospitals.
A couple days of salt into Puget Sound has more weight than the safety/financial stability of humans? Errrrr, no. I think the real issue is that they can't afford salt compared to sand, and everyone would be screaming at them for spending money on it when the snow actually goes away and we forget the pain.
There are all sorts of comments to this effect on the Times website, but this one quoting some Seattle official made me snort:
"But here in Seattle, 'we're sensitive about everything we do that impacts the environment."
-An Alien, from Planet Moron
That pretty much sums up the Seattle government! They spent gazillions of dollars on self-cleaning toilets (fancy Honey Buckets, basically) that they then had to sell on eBay because they were frequented by prostitutes and drug dealers. (Gee, couldn’t have called that one.) But they don’t want to spend money on salt and can make themselves feel better about by waving a green flag around.
God, I’m so sick of these stoopidheads.
The city is trying to pull the environmental protection card again (they do this thinking we’re dumb and will buy it because we’re all a bunch of bleeding hearts here). They’re saying all this bollocks about how salt hurts the fishies. (But sand and chemical de-icers don’t??) This rare use of salt wouldn't hurt the fishies compared to all the other crap (literally) we put in the water system. And certainly not to the same measure that people who can't get to work or are crashing their cars or can’t get to their holiday destinations are feeling! Not to mention emergency responders or getting ambulances to hospitals.
A couple days of salt into Puget Sound has more weight than the safety/financial stability of humans? Errrrr, no. I think the real issue is that they can't afford salt compared to sand, and everyone would be screaming at them for spending money on it when the snow actually goes away and we forget the pain.
There are all sorts of comments to this effect on the Times website, but this one quoting some Seattle official made me snort:
"But here in Seattle, 'we're sensitive about everything we do that impacts the environment."
-An Alien, from Planet Moron
That pretty much sums up the Seattle government! They spent gazillions of dollars on self-cleaning toilets (fancy Honey Buckets, basically) that they then had to sell on eBay because they were frequented by prostitutes and drug dealers. (Gee, couldn’t have called that one.) But they don’t want to spend money on salt and can make themselves feel better about by waving a green flag around.
God, I’m so sick of these stoopidheads.
Bah Humbug
We have decided to cancel Christmas. Or at least postpone it for a while and see if a gathering is possible on New Year's Day or that weekend. We're supposed to get anohter 2-6" tonight and then more snow on and off through Saturday. Boo. My parents would never be able to make the drive over two mountain passes that are already treacherous before this next round of snow (which is sure to amount to more than 6" up there!)
And the way around the mountains through Portland is closed due to snow and ice storms.
So yay, good times. I don't really like Christmas anyway, but now I'm just annoyed that I don't even get to snack and drink all day! (Trust me, the two of us have been doing enough of that while snowbound!)
So we'll keep an eye on the roads and see if maybe we can get a reservation for brunch or dinner on Christmas day. But if we end up on the 6-inch side of the snow accumulation on top of all the compact snow and ice we already have, we'll be stuck at home AGAIN.
Boo! Boo and boo!
And the way around the mountains through Portland is closed due to snow and ice storms.
So yay, good times. I don't really like Christmas anyway, but now I'm just annoyed that I don't even get to snack and drink all day! (Trust me, the two of us have been doing enough of that while snowbound!)
So we'll keep an eye on the roads and see if maybe we can get a reservation for brunch or dinner on Christmas day. But if we end up on the 6-inch side of the snow accumulation on top of all the compact snow and ice we already have, we'll be stuck at home AGAIN.
Boo! Boo and boo!
Monday, December 22, 2008
going KOO KOO
Trapped again.
Still trapped.
Still cold.
No melting coming. May have to cancel Christmas since no one will be able to get here if the roads don't clear.
Trappedgoingwackocan'tgetoutwillnotsurvivewithsanityintactsincedidn'thavemuchsanitytobeginwith.
Am now starting to clean out junk drawers. You know that life has become completely desperate when you take to cleaning out the junk drawers. Although this is probably a bad idea since it's garbage day, yet the garbage truck didn't come and nobody knows when it will return. So I have nicely sorted junk but no empty can in which to toss it.
Hubby's office is closed so at least he's home guilt-free. My office is open - we're like the postal service that way - so I fester in my guilt, even though I know I'd get stuck trying to get there and my boss already told me not to worry about it.
We have resorted to using the margarita salt on the front steps. I'm sure this must be a crime against all that is right and good in the universe. Margarita salt to combat snow and ice instead of on the rim of a glass? What perverse world have we fallen into?
We do have a genius plan for attempting to walk to McDonald's for lunch so we don't go stark raving mad. Yes, you know I live in harrowing times if I'm actually willing to walk to McDonald's for any reason at all since I don't actually eat burgers, let alone walk there on snowy sidewalks sans snow boots (note to self: buy snow shovel AND snow boots some day). But super-sized fries would pretty much make my day at this point. And if nothing else, there's a STARBUCKS in the Safeway next door.
Still trapped.
Still cold.
No melting coming. May have to cancel Christmas since no one will be able to get here if the roads don't clear.
Trappedgoingwackocan'tgetoutwillnotsurvivewithsanityintactsincedidn'thavemuchsanitytobeginwith.
Am now starting to clean out junk drawers. You know that life has become completely desperate when you take to cleaning out the junk drawers. Although this is probably a bad idea since it's garbage day, yet the garbage truck didn't come and nobody knows when it will return. So I have nicely sorted junk but no empty can in which to toss it.
Hubby's office is closed so at least he's home guilt-free. My office is open - we're like the postal service that way - so I fester in my guilt, even though I know I'd get stuck trying to get there and my boss already told me not to worry about it.
We have resorted to using the margarita salt on the front steps. I'm sure this must be a crime against all that is right and good in the universe. Margarita salt to combat snow and ice instead of on the rim of a glass? What perverse world have we fallen into?
We do have a genius plan for attempting to walk to McDonald's for lunch so we don't go stark raving mad. Yes, you know I live in harrowing times if I'm actually willing to walk to McDonald's for any reason at all since I don't actually eat burgers, let alone walk there on snowy sidewalks sans snow boots (note to self: buy snow shovel AND snow boots some day). But super-sized fries would pretty much make my day at this point. And if nothing else, there's a STARBUCKS in the Safeway next door.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
I see stupid people
On what planet would anyone think that driving with chains on the de-iced, plowed freeway was a good idea?
Yeah, I get that they can't get back to their houses without chains. We're pretty much trapped at home at the moment, too. But going 50 on the freeways with chains on your minivan? Really, people. There were vehicles all along the side of the freeway, not because of ice, but because they blew out their tires with the chains.
And how come they're always minivans? Another chained minivan parked RIGHT on top of me yesterday at the library. You couldn't see where the parking spaces were, so I just sorta guessed. And this silly cow with her dumb chains on her dumb minivan sardined right next to me.
Oy! I'm not sure what's more annoying, being trapped by snow or dealing with the STOOPID once you can actually drive around.
Plus, I have to go to Target. But I can't go. What is a Sunday without a trip to Target? I'm starting to twitch from the Target withdrawal.
Oh well! Better to be trapped at home than at the airport for the past two days.
Yeah, I get that they can't get back to their houses without chains. We're pretty much trapped at home at the moment, too. But going 50 on the freeways with chains on your minivan? Really, people. There were vehicles all along the side of the freeway, not because of ice, but because they blew out their tires with the chains.
And how come they're always minivans? Another chained minivan parked RIGHT on top of me yesterday at the library. You couldn't see where the parking spaces were, so I just sorta guessed. And this silly cow with her dumb chains on her dumb minivan sardined right next to me.
Oy! I'm not sure what's more annoying, being trapped by snow or dealing with the STOOPID once you can actually drive around.
Plus, I have to go to Target. But I can't go. What is a Sunday without a trip to Target? I'm starting to twitch from the Target withdrawal.
Oh well! Better to be trapped at home than at the airport for the past two days.
Friday, December 19, 2008
oops
Apparently our guardrails aren't designed for ice.
And then, of course, I had to read this in the weather forecast for the weekend:
But the big story is potentially catastrophic winds in the Cascade foothills, where wind gusts could reach as high as 70-90 mph.
Neat! Snow, ice, AND catastrophic winds. I'd better hit a liquor store tomorrow.
And then, of course, I had to read this in the weather forecast for the weekend:
But the big story is potentially catastrophic winds in the Cascade foothills, where wind gusts could reach as high as 70-90 mph.
Neat! Snow, ice, AND catastrophic winds. I'd better hit a liquor store tomorrow.
okay, fine, it's winter...no wait, it's not even!
Notice how they changed the term global warming to global climate change? So that when it snows 12 inches, we can no longer scream “I thought you said global WARMING??”
I have officially had it up to my eyeballs with this weather. If I actually wanted to live in snow and crash my car every other day, I’d move to the Midwest! And we’re supposed to get hammered again with snow and ice storms on Saturday night.
I’m actually quite glad that my husband couldn’t make it to work yesterday, as downtown froze over around midday, and he would have been stranded. I doubt he would have even been able to get out of his parking garage since it’s on such a steep hill. And then most of the downtown bus routes were canceled thanks to all the jackknifed buses (with chained tires!) stuck on the freeways.
But the worst part of all this? We are moving our company Christmas party to lunchtime today so people can get out of here early enough to get home safely. Which means NO BOOZE. Waaaahh. Oh well, a lot of people aren’t here today anyway since they can’t get out of their unplowed neighborhoods.
Oh well, this crap makes the skiers happy since it’s been so unseasonably warm up until last week. Now they can go up to the passes to ski, and I can go to the mall! (I hope.)
Or at least Starbucks! The best cheeseball moment of yesterday was seeing the poor news crews stuck in the Redmond blizzard all day yesterday when all of a sudden a Starbucks employee showed up with coffee for them. Wearing his red holiday Starbucks apron and Christmas tie.
And now, a photo essay.
I only post this so my sissy can see what it looked like here yesterday.
Just because it's fun to have photos of other people's misfortune at the bottom of a freeway on/off-ramp.
Just because this guy may be almost as crazy as Vivi's husband. :-p (That's Denny Ave, sissy.)
And because people make really cool things with snow.
I have officially had it up to my eyeballs with this weather. If I actually wanted to live in snow and crash my car every other day, I’d move to the Midwest! And we’re supposed to get hammered again with snow and ice storms on Saturday night.
I’m actually quite glad that my husband couldn’t make it to work yesterday, as downtown froze over around midday, and he would have been stranded. I doubt he would have even been able to get out of his parking garage since it’s on such a steep hill. And then most of the downtown bus routes were canceled thanks to all the jackknifed buses (with chained tires!) stuck on the freeways.
But the worst part of all this? We are moving our company Christmas party to lunchtime today so people can get out of here early enough to get home safely. Which means NO BOOZE. Waaaahh. Oh well, a lot of people aren’t here today anyway since they can’t get out of their unplowed neighborhoods.
Oh well, this crap makes the skiers happy since it’s been so unseasonably warm up until last week. Now they can go up to the passes to ski, and I can go to the mall! (I hope.)
Or at least Starbucks! The best cheeseball moment of yesterday was seeing the poor news crews stuck in the Redmond blizzard all day yesterday when all of a sudden a Starbucks employee showed up with coffee for them. Wearing his red holiday Starbucks apron and Christmas tie.
And now, a photo essay.
I only post this so my sissy can see what it looked like here yesterday.
Just because it's fun to have photos of other people's misfortune at the bottom of a freeway on/off-ramp.
Just because this guy may be almost as crazy as Vivi's husband. :-p (That's Denny Ave, sissy.)
And because people make really cool things with snow.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
stranded
Dude, it's snowing AGAIN. We were in this nice shadow of the mountains yesterday, and it was snowing like crazy about 30 minutes south and north of us where they got close to a foot of snow. When I left work last night, it was about 37 degrees and drizzling. When I got home - a mere 3 miles north - it was snowing like crazy. Yay.
And it's still going. It's not really deep, maybe 2 to 3 inches, but everything is icy. My valiant husband tried to go to work this morning, but had to get off the freeway and make his way back home since nobody could keep their cars straight with the snow, and there were all sorts of spinouts and jacknifed buses & semis.
I told him not to go out there, but he's much more brave than I am! (Or maybe he was just scared I'd make him watch Mamma Mia if he didn't try and go to work.) But I think the news of 10-mile backups on 405 and 17-mile backups on I-5 have convinced him to just park it here for the day.
So I suppose I should be productive while stuck at home. Do things like clean the bathrooms and dig out the guest room.
But that might mean I'd have to get off my arse.
And it's still going. It's not really deep, maybe 2 to 3 inches, but everything is icy. My valiant husband tried to go to work this morning, but had to get off the freeway and make his way back home since nobody could keep their cars straight with the snow, and there were all sorts of spinouts and jacknifed buses & semis.
I told him not to go out there, but he's much more brave than I am! (Or maybe he was just scared I'd make him watch Mamma Mia if he didn't try and go to work.) But I think the news of 10-mile backups on 405 and 17-mile backups on I-5 have convinced him to just park it here for the day.
So I suppose I should be productive while stuck at home. Do things like clean the bathrooms and dig out the guest room.
But that might mean I'd have to get off my arse.
Monday, December 15, 2008
this pretty much says it all
As to why we in Seattle don't cope well with driving in snow.
Just prepare to listen to me WHINE for the next couple weeks, as they're forecasting this cold crap is supposed to last that long. We ran to the grocery store tonight, and it was miserably cold! We're not equipped to handle this. I have no warm boots, and the only hats and mittens I own are from Target, which means they're only warm around 40 degrees. Nor do I have a coat for 15 to 20 degree weather. That's not so bad, except that any time it snows during the workday, I end up having to ditch my car and walk home since any route between between my office and my house is uphill (with a stoplight at the top of every hill, naturally).
Our office is closing the week between Christmas and New Year in order to save some money in these scary days. So I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself during that week. If it's still cold/icy/snowy and I'm trapped at home, I'll be running up and down the stairs like Bart Simpson on sugar.
If I'm not trapped at home, I'll be tempted to shop.
I'm not sure which situation would be worse. The latter would certainly be more fun but highly damaging to my bank account in these times of financial uncertainty.
But the former may result in my husband having me committed.
If I were responsible, I'd do all these projects around the house that I keep meaning to do. Like paint the bathroom. Or clean out the garage.
But I predict I will spend the week cramming my cake hole full of every unhealthy sugary/carby/fatty food known to mankind (after all, I'll have to be GOOD after January 1...or January 2...okay, I'll officially be good on January 5). And then I will catch up on my Netflix queue and read some trashy books. And maybe - just maybe - I'll go a whole day without actually changing out of my jammies. Oh nirvana!
This post brought to you by You Know You're Old When....
Just prepare to listen to me WHINE for the next couple weeks, as they're forecasting this cold crap is supposed to last that long. We ran to the grocery store tonight, and it was miserably cold! We're not equipped to handle this. I have no warm boots, and the only hats and mittens I own are from Target, which means they're only warm around 40 degrees. Nor do I have a coat for 15 to 20 degree weather. That's not so bad, except that any time it snows during the workday, I end up having to ditch my car and walk home since any route between between my office and my house is uphill (with a stoplight at the top of every hill, naturally).
Our office is closing the week between Christmas and New Year in order to save some money in these scary days. So I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself during that week. If it's still cold/icy/snowy and I'm trapped at home, I'll be running up and down the stairs like Bart Simpson on sugar.
If I'm not trapped at home, I'll be tempted to shop.
I'm not sure which situation would be worse. The latter would certainly be more fun but highly damaging to my bank account in these times of financial uncertainty.
But the former may result in my husband having me committed.
If I were responsible, I'd do all these projects around the house that I keep meaning to do. Like paint the bathroom. Or clean out the garage.
But I predict I will spend the week cramming my cake hole full of every unhealthy sugary/carby/fatty food known to mankind (after all, I'll have to be GOOD after January 1...or January 2...okay, I'll officially be good on January 5). And then I will catch up on my Netflix queue and read some trashy books. And maybe - just maybe - I'll go a whole day without actually changing out of my jammies. Oh nirvana!
This post brought to you by You Know You're Old When....
Sunday, December 14, 2008
First flight to Vegas, please
It snowed last night.
Not only did it snow last night, but it's 30 degrees and windy and is supposed to be in the TWENTIES for the rest of the week. And then maybe snow again on Thursday.
That's not okay with me, man! If I wanted cold and snow, I'd move east.
Here's the deal. I live in the Seattle area. We're one giant hill. Actually, we're a bunch of hills. So imagine living on a hill and nobody comes to plow or even sand.
This is why I hate snow!
That said, nothing can deter me from going to Target, which is exactly what I did this morning! Plus, you can always count on the freeways being clear since they spray all that de-icer chemical that kills fishies or something.
But the upside is that I can finally wear my wool coat that I bought at Nordstrom in July! Yeah yeah, I heard all about my craziness when it was 85 degrees, but who's the crazy one now, eh?
Okay yeah, it's still me. Whatever.
And I can finally wear my boots. I hope my sister doesn't kill me for buying boots. But they're not UGG boots. I have enough sense not to buy those. But they're still kinda butch.
C'mon, sissy, you know that the cankles prevent wearing really cool boots. So I ended up with butchier boots. They're sort of equestrian-y. And they keep my legs warm.
I hear her chastising me from afar.
But they don't look like wearing slippers in public. I swear!
Not only did it snow last night, but it's 30 degrees and windy and is supposed to be in the TWENTIES for the rest of the week. And then maybe snow again on Thursday.
That's not okay with me, man! If I wanted cold and snow, I'd move east.
Here's the deal. I live in the Seattle area. We're one giant hill. Actually, we're a bunch of hills. So imagine living on a hill and nobody comes to plow or even sand.
This is why I hate snow!
That said, nothing can deter me from going to Target, which is exactly what I did this morning! Plus, you can always count on the freeways being clear since they spray all that de-icer chemical that kills fishies or something.
But the upside is that I can finally wear my wool coat that I bought at Nordstrom in July! Yeah yeah, I heard all about my craziness when it was 85 degrees, but who's the crazy one now, eh?
Okay yeah, it's still me. Whatever.
And I can finally wear my boots. I hope my sister doesn't kill me for buying boots. But they're not UGG boots. I have enough sense not to buy those. But they're still kinda butch.
C'mon, sissy, you know that the cankles prevent wearing really cool boots. So I ended up with butchier boots. They're sort of equestrian-y. And they keep my legs warm.
I hear her chastising me from afar.
But they don't look like wearing slippers in public. I swear!
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Discovery!
While in Starbucks, I noticed their holiday chalkboard (and do they have the same chalk artiste just go from store to store to draw these things?) featured something called Espresso Truffle.
Naturally, they had my attention.
“ohmygawdohmygawd, what is this espresso truffle goodness??” <-- Me
“Oh! It’s espresso with chocolate and steamed milk!!” <-- Nice barista girl
Uhhh…wha?
I decide to conduct a more extensive investigation on starbucks.com:
Espresso Truffle
We’ve combined Starbucks espresso with our premium European-style cocoa blend used in our Signature Hot Chocolate and steamed milk, and topped it with whipped cream and a touch of chocolate powder. This sophisticated beverage delivers rich chocolate flavor with a velvety mouthfeel balanced with a smooth coffee flavor.
This differs from the mocha...how?
Caffe Mocha
Rich, full-bodied Starbucks® espresso combined with our proprietary bittersweet mocha syrup and steamed milk. Topped with a cloud of whipped cream.
Kaaaaayy. So one is made with bittersweet cocoa powder and one is made with bittersweet syrup. Right. They differ from each other in that.... How?
Tall Espresso Truffle, no whip: 310 calories, 8 grams saturated fat
Tall Caffe Mocha, 2%, no whip: 200 calories, 6 grams saturated fat
So they differ in that the Espresso Truffle is made from whole milk and the regular mocha is 2%? There’s no milk option on the former, so this is my guess.
Oh, Bill Nye, where are you when the world needs you??
Can I get a marketing job at Starbucks? Please, somebody pay me to come up with the exact same beverage and put a posh spin on it so people will buy it by the gallon, and I can then buy an Infiniti G35 with my You Saved the Company By Coming Up with the Same Exact Beverage bonus.
Naturally, they had my attention.
“ohmygawdohmygawd, what is this espresso truffle goodness??” <-- Me
“Oh! It’s espresso with chocolate and steamed milk!!” <-- Nice barista girl
Uhhh…wha?
I decide to conduct a more extensive investigation on starbucks.com:
Espresso Truffle
We’ve combined Starbucks espresso with our premium European-style cocoa blend used in our Signature Hot Chocolate and steamed milk, and topped it with whipped cream and a touch of chocolate powder. This sophisticated beverage delivers rich chocolate flavor with a velvety mouthfeel balanced with a smooth coffee flavor.
This differs from the mocha...how?
Caffe Mocha
Rich, full-bodied Starbucks® espresso combined with our proprietary bittersweet mocha syrup and steamed milk. Topped with a cloud of whipped cream.
Kaaaaayy. So one is made with bittersweet cocoa powder and one is made with bittersweet syrup. Right. They differ from each other in that.... How?
Tall Espresso Truffle, no whip: 310 calories, 8 grams saturated fat
Tall Caffe Mocha, 2%, no whip: 200 calories, 6 grams saturated fat
So they differ in that the Espresso Truffle is made from whole milk and the regular mocha is 2%? There’s no milk option on the former, so this is my guess.
Oh, Bill Nye, where are you when the world needs you??
Can I get a marketing job at Starbucks? Please, somebody pay me to come up with the exact same beverage and put a posh spin on it so people will buy it by the gallon, and I can then buy an Infiniti G35 with my You Saved the Company By Coming Up with the Same Exact Beverage bonus.
Monday, December 08, 2008
I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking.
The power went out at 6 am. HELLO?? No storms, no nuthin’. Just that noise of a transformer going out and all went dark. And it was hair wash day. So yeah, on a Monday I have to go to work with dirty hair and put on my makeup by flashlight. I wasn’t sure if I looked like a showgirl or a crazy person (or both), so I ran straight for the restroom when I got to work to check myself in the mirror. Fortunately, I looked like myself, only severely bed-headed.
My back hurts like a mother scratcher. Why? Because I’m a moron. You’re familiar with Angry Vacuum Mode, right? When there’s crap ALL OVER THE FLOOR so you’re trying to pick it up as you’re pushing the vacuum. Yeah, really smart. Felt the pop and knew my rage had, once again, not injured the crap on the floor but injured me instead.
So, naturally, I went shopping after that. Found some books for the boy. Why are kids’ books so expensive? Yes, I know, they have hard covers and pretty pictures, but give me a break with 18 bucks for a book that has fewer words than this post will have.
And then I bought myself a handbag. Hey, I was injured! I’ve been on the hunt for a berry-colored bag. Obsessed, actually. Why? Because I have no life, that’s why. But this thing called to me from the shelf at Macy’s, and it was 30% off! I couldn’t not buy it. Yeah, I’ll be homeless in 6 months when we both lose our jobs, but I can stare at my bag all day. Everything will be fine.
Saturday night we watched Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang. I had never heard of this movie before, but it popped up as a Netflix rec when I gave Iron Man 4 stars. Oh my garsh, it’s HILARIOUS. It’s one of those stories that I wish I’d written (if I were that clever). My theory is that it didn’t do booming business because it’s a modern film noir, ergo, completely unfit for the lowest common denominator moviegoer.
So, to sum up, I’m a dirty-haired moronic film snob with no life. But only randomly snobbish since I watched Anchorman last night. “I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly”
Oh, and Zoolander. Only one of the greatest movies of all time.
My back hurts like a mother scratcher. Why? Because I’m a moron. You’re familiar with Angry Vacuum Mode, right? When there’s crap ALL OVER THE FLOOR so you’re trying to pick it up as you’re pushing the vacuum. Yeah, really smart. Felt the pop and knew my rage had, once again, not injured the crap on the floor but injured me instead.
So, naturally, I went shopping after that. Found some books for the boy. Why are kids’ books so expensive? Yes, I know, they have hard covers and pretty pictures, but give me a break with 18 bucks for a book that has fewer words than this post will have.
And then I bought myself a handbag. Hey, I was injured! I’ve been on the hunt for a berry-colored bag. Obsessed, actually. Why? Because I have no life, that’s why. But this thing called to me from the shelf at Macy’s, and it was 30% off! I couldn’t not buy it. Yeah, I’ll be homeless in 6 months when we both lose our jobs, but I can stare at my bag all day. Everything will be fine.
Saturday night we watched Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang. I had never heard of this movie before, but it popped up as a Netflix rec when I gave Iron Man 4 stars. Oh my garsh, it’s HILARIOUS. It’s one of those stories that I wish I’d written (if I were that clever). My theory is that it didn’t do booming business because it’s a modern film noir, ergo, completely unfit for the lowest common denominator moviegoer.
So, to sum up, I’m a dirty-haired moronic film snob with no life. But only randomly snobbish since I watched Anchorman last night. “I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly”
Oh, and Zoolander. Only one of the greatest movies of all time.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
blogger is buggin'
I'm diggin' the notion of this new blog follower function...except that I can't make it work! Blogger tells me I haven't verified my email address yet. YES I HAVE.
Okay fine, so when I click on the link to resend verification email, said verification email is eaten by the gnomes who run the internets. Or blogger is just mocking me. "Here, click on this and you can join our club. PSYCH!"
What. Ever.
I had a dream last night that I was married to Gerard Butler (except he was an architect), and we were vacationing at some mountain lodge with Dr. Drew and his wife (I've no idea who she is in RL, but she was quite an annoying yuppie housewife in the dream), along with some co-workers of mine. We girls were all baking cookies in a giant kitchen with Toby Keith, which was freaking out one of my friends whom I shall protect from incrimination since she lurrrrrrrves him, and I was getting annoyed because Toby kept screwing up the cookie dough.
All of this begs the question: If I was married to Gerry Butler, WHY was I spending every waking hour baking cookies with women and a big redneck??
And then I woke up and heard the NPR reporter bleating about Mumbai. So...yeah.
I told my husband (the actual one, not Gerry) that there needs to be a happy news station so I can wake up to happy thoughts. Actual husband said, "In today's news: Marshmallows! Penguins! Free shoes!"
I think he might be onto something.
Okay fine, so when I click on the link to resend verification email, said verification email is eaten by the gnomes who run the internets. Or blogger is just mocking me. "Here, click on this and you can join our club. PSYCH!"
What. Ever.
I had a dream last night that I was married to Gerard Butler (except he was an architect), and we were vacationing at some mountain lodge with Dr. Drew and his wife (I've no idea who she is in RL, but she was quite an annoying yuppie housewife in the dream), along with some co-workers of mine. We girls were all baking cookies in a giant kitchen with Toby Keith, which was freaking out one of my friends whom I shall protect from incrimination since she lurrrrrrrves him, and I was getting annoyed because Toby kept screwing up the cookie dough.
All of this begs the question: If I was married to Gerry Butler, WHY was I spending every waking hour baking cookies with women and a big redneck??
And then I woke up and heard the NPR reporter bleating about Mumbai. So...yeah.
I told my husband (the actual one, not Gerry) that there needs to be a happy news station so I can wake up to happy thoughts. Actual husband said, "In today's news: Marshmallows! Penguins! Free shoes!"
I think he might be onto something.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
important things I did today
Got out of bed.
Ate French Toast (from leftover sourdough not used for stuffing) and bacon (just because every fridge should be stocked with bacon).
Went to Target.
Ate M & M's while Christmasifying the living room. Easy job since I never have a tree.
Went downtown with hubby.
Showed hubby every handbag I ever wanted or could ever want in the future at every shop we could never afford.
Toured gingerbread lane at the Sheraton.
Drank ubiquitous peppermint mocha.
Silently mocked shoppers at Barney's since everything in the window looked like the same thing one would find at Urban Outfitters.
Dragged hubby through Anthropologie.
Purchased Christmas gifts at Watson-Kennedy (tres francais!).
Admired beauty-full Christmas decorations.
Saw brilliant shirt that nephew needed in kids' shop at Post Alley. Appeared at first to be an AC/DC shirt but lettering was AB/CD. Discovered that 3T shirt was 40 bucks and decided that what would only be amusing to a grown-up was not worth 40 bucks.
Pined over clothing and shoes in Alhambra window.
Ate lunch/dinner (it was 3:30ish) at McCormick & Schmick's. Had to order apple cider mojito from holiday cocktail menu just because. Sounds like a weird combo but was YUMMY.
Have been sitting on ass since returning home. Can't believe the long weekend is already over. Boo.
Ate French Toast (from leftover sourdough not used for stuffing) and bacon (just because every fridge should be stocked with bacon).
Went to Target.
Ate M & M's while Christmasifying the living room. Easy job since I never have a tree.
Went downtown with hubby.
Showed hubby every handbag I ever wanted or could ever want in the future at every shop we could never afford.
Toured gingerbread lane at the Sheraton.
Drank ubiquitous peppermint mocha.
Silently mocked shoppers at Barney's since everything in the window looked like the same thing one would find at Urban Outfitters.
Dragged hubby through Anthropologie.
Purchased Christmas gifts at Watson-Kennedy (tres francais!).
Admired beauty-full Christmas decorations.
Saw brilliant shirt that nephew needed in kids' shop at Post Alley. Appeared at first to be an AC/DC shirt but lettering was AB/CD. Discovered that 3T shirt was 40 bucks and decided that what would only be amusing to a grown-up was not worth 40 bucks.
Pined over clothing and shoes in Alhambra window.
Ate lunch/dinner (it was 3:30ish) at McCormick & Schmick's. Had to order apple cider mojito from holiday cocktail menu just because. Sounds like a weird combo but was YUMMY.
Have been sitting on ass since returning home. Can't believe the long weekend is already over. Boo.
Friday, November 28, 2008
what was I thinking??
Yes, I did go shopping this morning. No, not at 4 am or even 6 am. I got to Kohl's somewhere around 9 am. It was crowded, but didn't seem TOO terrible. I found some good stuff on sale for The World's Most Awesome Nephew and got ready to head to the checkout...and then realized that the line was halfway back into the store. Errr, no. I'd rather pay full price than stand in line for an hour. Really, people, what is your time worth?
So I shoved everything back onto the shelves! I did go into Target, which wasn't bad at all. Very crowded, but since the people who run Target actually have brains and had all the lanes open, it was no problem getting through there since I could use the express lane.
Then I managed to keep my tradition of buying more Christmas presents for myself than I do for anyone else. After hitting the "free mimosas while you shop" deal and walking away with decor I didn't really need, I also managed to acquire a new scarf, top, and jacket from another boutique I really didn't need to enter! The jacket is wool jacket and only 60 bucks, so I couldn't not buy that. Everyone knows I need to find a Scarfaholics Anonymous group since I can't ever NOT buy cute scarves when I find them. Plus, if I already had a jacket and a scarf, I needed a top, too, right?
Thanksgiving went fine. As soon as all the "I'm the expert" conversations started up between my grandma and her brother & his wife, I downed one glass of wine and was nearly through my second glass by the time we sat down for dinner! And bless my uncle's wife, she did make a pumpkin pie but also made a trifle. Not normally my favorite type of dessert, but since she makes hers with creme caramel in addition to the whipped cream and makes her own sponge cake, I was all over that! Although it was almost too pretty to eat since the top was perfectly decorated with kiwi, strawberries, and pomegranate seeds.
I said almost!
I really should clean now, but I think I'll go park my fat ass on the sofa and watch Celebrity Rehab instead!
So I shoved everything back onto the shelves! I did go into Target, which wasn't bad at all. Very crowded, but since the people who run Target actually have brains and had all the lanes open, it was no problem getting through there since I could use the express lane.
Then I managed to keep my tradition of buying more Christmas presents for myself than I do for anyone else. After hitting the "free mimosas while you shop" deal and walking away with decor I didn't really need, I also managed to acquire a new scarf, top, and jacket from another boutique I really didn't need to enter! The jacket is wool jacket and only 60 bucks, so I couldn't not buy that. Everyone knows I need to find a Scarfaholics Anonymous group since I can't ever NOT buy cute scarves when I find them. Plus, if I already had a jacket and a scarf, I needed a top, too, right?
Thanksgiving went fine. As soon as all the "I'm the expert" conversations started up between my grandma and her brother & his wife, I downed one glass of wine and was nearly through my second glass by the time we sat down for dinner! And bless my uncle's wife, she did make a pumpkin pie but also made a trifle. Not normally my favorite type of dessert, but since she makes hers with creme caramel in addition to the whipped cream and makes her own sponge cake, I was all over that! Although it was almost too pretty to eat since the top was perfectly decorated with kiwi, strawberries, and pomegranate seeds.
I said almost!
I really should clean now, but I think I'll go park my fat ass on the sofa and watch Celebrity Rehab instead!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
gobble gobble whatevah
I don’t like Thanksgiving, okay?! I just don’t. I don’t like dry turkey or soggy stuffing or cranberry sauce. I’m not a gravy girl. I’d rather put butter all over my potatoes.
And I really don’t like pumpkin pie. Why not chocolate? Chocolate never hurt anybody (much). And scientists have proven that chocolate is healthy (sort of).
Why can’t we just eat artichoke dip all day and then have tacos for dinner? Why boring, bland, white bread food? We’re not Puritans. Spice is important. Fun is important. Lots and lots of wine is important (and will be consumed since we put the fun in dysfunctional).
Here begins my season of Scroogey McScroogerpants. I’ve published fair warning.
Some study was out yesterday that people who express gratitude have better health, and so we should keep that in mind at Thanksgiving. Well fine, but I’m an almost-40-year-old Bitter, and I’m perfectly healthy.
Besides, I am grateful for many things. I am grateful for shoes. And for bad reality TV. And for Daniel Craig, Clive Owen, and Jason Isaacs. I am grateful for peppermint mochas, which take down my Scroogey McScroogerpants mood a few levels. I am grateful for 30 Rock, Jon Stewart, and Stephen Colbert, else I might go totally insane during the week. I have gobs of gratitude for red wine and mojitos (I used to be grateful for margaritas until they started to injure me). I am grateful for Bono. Oh, and for Las Vegas. And for chocolate croissants. And chips and salsa.
But gratitude for dark Novembers, bland turkey, and a dessert made from squash? Not so much.
I am also ungrateful for stores playing Christmas music on November 1st.
And not grateful at all for the pressure to decorate, which I will begrudgingly do, so I’m not yelled at on Christmas Day for hosting the dinner but not providing a festive atmosphere. (But the only tree will be one that sits on top of an end table and came pre-decorated from Costco Home store.)
In my ideal world, my husband and I would go on vacation at Christmas. But since he’s a much nicer person than I am, he actually enjoys putting lights on the house and doing all that goofy Christmas business that only people with children should enjoy.
So our balance is that he has to take me Christmas shopping downtown to shops where they give you alcohol while you browse. I can’t beat them, I don’t really want to join them, but I can at least maintain a healthy level of intoxication to cope with it all.
And I really don’t like pumpkin pie. Why not chocolate? Chocolate never hurt anybody (much). And scientists have proven that chocolate is healthy (sort of).
Why can’t we just eat artichoke dip all day and then have tacos for dinner? Why boring, bland, white bread food? We’re not Puritans. Spice is important. Fun is important. Lots and lots of wine is important (and will be consumed since we put the fun in dysfunctional).
Here begins my season of Scroogey McScroogerpants. I’ve published fair warning.
Some study was out yesterday that people who express gratitude have better health, and so we should keep that in mind at Thanksgiving. Well fine, but I’m an almost-40-year-old Bitter, and I’m perfectly healthy.
Besides, I am grateful for many things. I am grateful for shoes. And for bad reality TV. And for Daniel Craig, Clive Owen, and Jason Isaacs. I am grateful for peppermint mochas, which take down my Scroogey McScroogerpants mood a few levels. I am grateful for 30 Rock, Jon Stewart, and Stephen Colbert, else I might go totally insane during the week. I have gobs of gratitude for red wine and mojitos (I used to be grateful for margaritas until they started to injure me). I am grateful for Bono. Oh, and for Las Vegas. And for chocolate croissants. And chips and salsa.
But gratitude for dark Novembers, bland turkey, and a dessert made from squash? Not so much.
I am also ungrateful for stores playing Christmas music on November 1st.
And not grateful at all for the pressure to decorate, which I will begrudgingly do, so I’m not yelled at on Christmas Day for hosting the dinner but not providing a festive atmosphere. (But the only tree will be one that sits on top of an end table and came pre-decorated from Costco Home store.)
In my ideal world, my husband and I would go on vacation at Christmas. But since he’s a much nicer person than I am, he actually enjoys putting lights on the house and doing all that goofy Christmas business that only people with children should enjoy.
So our balance is that he has to take me Christmas shopping downtown to shops where they give you alcohol while you browse. I can’t beat them, I don’t really want to join them, but I can at least maintain a healthy level of intoxication to cope with it all.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
wake me when it's over
As soon as I become inspired, I really will be posting something...err...inspiring?
Whatever.
I'm tired. Work has been...yeah. I'm tired. Layoffs suck.
To quote Will Ferrell impersonating Dubya, "Daddy, this is haarrrrrrrd!"
But it's nearly the weekend. I figure that gives me full license for cramming my cake hole.
And it's getting COLD out there. Boo.
I'm so tired, I can't even stay up for Celebrity Rehab. Sacre bleu! I'm sure that Ms. Alden will hug Dr. Drew's arm for me until I have a chance to watch it.
Whatever.
I'm tired. Work has been...yeah. I'm tired. Layoffs suck.
To quote Will Ferrell impersonating Dubya, "Daddy, this is haarrrrrrrd!"
But it's nearly the weekend. I figure that gives me full license for cramming my cake hole.
And it's getting COLD out there. Boo.
I'm so tired, I can't even stay up for Celebrity Rehab. Sacre bleu! I'm sure that Ms. Alden will hug Dr. Drew's arm for me until I have a chance to watch it.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
this is why I have SAD
Here's what 10 am looks like today.
Just shoot me now.
I sense copious amounts of bread and pasta in my future.
Just shoot me now.
I sense copious amounts of bread and pasta in my future.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
in absentia
I haven't posted in a while because...well, I have nothing interesting to say.
And the morons at Verizon farked up our phone on Friday afternoon, so I was without DSL all weekend. I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself, never having been through detox before. I survived remarkably well (if you don't count the package of chocolate chips cookies and half a bottle of merlot), but I had grave concerns about my husband. I may as well mount a laptop stand to his neck. I believe he was even in bed by 9:00 pm on Friday because he didn't know what to do with himself if he couldn't download Formula One videos.
So really, this meant I had the TV all to myself for the entire weekend since he functions on the laptop in front of his face, TV in the background mode of entertainment.
And here I thought I was the reason he spent the evenings in front of the TV. Just so we could have together time. Nope, 'tis the laptop.
That's okay. We've been together for 15 years, and he bought me M & M's and cake this weekend. After all these years, he still knows the way to my heart. And TV is much more fun when he's not complaining about my watching Celebrity Rehab or The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Rock on.
Meanwhile, my incredibly talented sister is NaNo'ing. But I figure she can hire me as The Gatekeeper once she's a rich and famous published author.
And the morons at Verizon farked up our phone on Friday afternoon, so I was without DSL all weekend. I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself, never having been through detox before. I survived remarkably well (if you don't count the package of chocolate chips cookies and half a bottle of merlot), but I had grave concerns about my husband. I may as well mount a laptop stand to his neck. I believe he was even in bed by 9:00 pm on Friday because he didn't know what to do with himself if he couldn't download Formula One videos.
So really, this meant I had the TV all to myself for the entire weekend since he functions on the laptop in front of his face, TV in the background mode of entertainment.
And here I thought I was the reason he spent the evenings in front of the TV. Just so we could have together time. Nope, 'tis the laptop.
That's okay. We've been together for 15 years, and he bought me M & M's and cake this weekend. After all these years, he still knows the way to my heart. And TV is much more fun when he's not complaining about my watching Celebrity Rehab or The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Rock on.
Meanwhile, my incredibly talented sister is NaNo'ing. But I figure she can hire me as The Gatekeeper once she's a rich and famous published author.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
hrrrm?
It appears that Blogger was hungry this morning and randomly ate a few of my posts. Well fine, I hope that Blogger is fortified by my inane morsels and has a fine day.
Speaking of "hrrrm," working for a living is really cramping my style. Now, I will never speak of work here since that would be highly inappropriate given my position, BUT I will say that having to get out of bed every morning at 6 am is seriously WRONG. Especially when my husband gets up at 5 am, so I'm having to listen to the alarm starting somewhere around 4:45. I was so happily asleep this morning, too, which is somewhat of a rarity.
I had this fancy idea that moving to France might be a nice change, but now I hear that even the French are doing away with the 32-hour work week. What is the world coming to when one can't even have a cush schedule in France? Mon dieu.
Speaking of "hrrrm," working for a living is really cramping my style. Now, I will never speak of work here since that would be highly inappropriate given my position, BUT I will say that having to get out of bed every morning at 6 am is seriously WRONG. Especially when my husband gets up at 5 am, so I'm having to listen to the alarm starting somewhere around 4:45. I was so happily asleep this morning, too, which is somewhat of a rarity.
I had this fancy idea that moving to France might be a nice change, but now I hear that even the French are doing away with the 32-hour work week. What is the world coming to when one can't even have a cush schedule in France? Mon dieu.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Oh, Mittens, you so crazy!
It is so beautifully sunny today, so I’m having a difficult time staying focused. When you know your sunshine is limited and likely won’t be seen for another six months, the brain wanders when it is a glorious day.
I just read the funniest liberal elitist blog update of the day. I’ve been more than amused at all the leaks coming out of the McCain campaign about how irritated these staffers are about Palin continuing to go off-script…not that script was doing her any good in the first place, unless inciting racism and encouraging white trash alcoholics from sea to shining sea is your idea of Real Americanism.
BUT the bestest thing I read today is that many of these anti-Palin insiders are actually former Mitt Romney staffers. Oh sweet taste of venomous repudiation! The fanboys jumped to the McCain campaign on the gamble that their Mittens would get the nod as VP, and now they are pissed as hell and feeling no shame about spilling on the dirt on the utter incompetence of Caribou Barbie.
Apparently the strategy now is to take their pounds of flesh from Palin in order to position their Mittens as the leader of the party for, yes, the next election. Another part of this strategy is apparently jockeying for jobs with the RNC in order to prop up their Magic Underwear Boy for the nom in 2012.
I love it when they begin to eat their own. I realize that it’s a sad state of American politics, but I love this shit. Course, it’s easier to love when it’s not happening to the Democrats. I do love to see how the mighty Republican beast is turning on itself like a bad zombie movie.
Love? Did I say love? Love, love, love.
[/grand hyperbole of the day]
I just read the funniest liberal elitist blog update of the day. I’ve been more than amused at all the leaks coming out of the McCain campaign about how irritated these staffers are about Palin continuing to go off-script…not that script was doing her any good in the first place, unless inciting racism and encouraging white trash alcoholics from sea to shining sea is your idea of Real Americanism.
BUT the bestest thing I read today is that many of these anti-Palin insiders are actually former Mitt Romney staffers. Oh sweet taste of venomous repudiation! The fanboys jumped to the McCain campaign on the gamble that their Mittens would get the nod as VP, and now they are pissed as hell and feeling no shame about spilling on the dirt on the utter incompetence of Caribou Barbie.
Apparently the strategy now is to take their pounds of flesh from Palin in order to position their Mittens as the leader of the party for, yes, the next election. Another part of this strategy is apparently jockeying for jobs with the RNC in order to prop up their Magic Underwear Boy for the nom in 2012.
I love it when they begin to eat their own. I realize that it’s a sad state of American politics, but I love this shit. Course, it’s easier to love when it’s not happening to the Democrats. I do love to see how the mighty Republican beast is turning on itself like a bad zombie movie.
Love? Did I say love? Love, love, love.
[/grand hyperbole of the day]
Sunday, October 26, 2008
astrologicaloco
My Sunday horoscope because it is to laugh:
The embers of your social life have been glowing slowly but steadily for weeks, and today they are about to explode into a fiery festival of fun! Your people have tons of good things going on, and they will want to make sure you are as involved as possible. Try to get boring tasks and errands out of the way early, today -- save the afternoon and evening for last minute parties and other types of social stuff. You deserve to take a break and have a good time.
A fiery festival of fun! Dude, that was SO my life today.
Yeah.
And now - it gets even better - I'm going to bed so I can wake up to MONDAY.
Sweet.
Although since I haven't been able to sleep more than 4 to 5 hours a night for the past week, we'll see how this sleeping idea goes. I'm getting tired of being tired.
The embers of your social life have been glowing slowly but steadily for weeks, and today they are about to explode into a fiery festival of fun! Your people have tons of good things going on, and they will want to make sure you are as involved as possible. Try to get boring tasks and errands out of the way early, today -- save the afternoon and evening for last minute parties and other types of social stuff. You deserve to take a break and have a good time.
A fiery festival of fun! Dude, that was SO my life today.
Yeah.
And now - it gets even better - I'm going to bed so I can wake up to MONDAY.
Sweet.
Although since I haven't been able to sleep more than 4 to 5 hours a night for the past week, we'll see how this sleeping idea goes. I'm getting tired of being tired.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
the glories of Saturday
Wake up when it's DAYLIGHT. This is quite a thing of wonder now that it's dark til 8 am.
Go to grocery store.
Do laundry.
Go out for lunch and eat gigantor cheesy turkey melt and 5,624 french fries.
Waste an entire hour farfing about on the internets.
Go buy a mocha.
Clean a bathroom. Procrastinate about cleaning the other one because it's Saturday, and I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT, NEENER NEENER.
Listen to awesome Goth 80's tunes really loudly.
Buy a pair of shoes I don't actually need.
And it's only 4:00. So many other slothful, greedy, gluttonous things I could still fit in before the day is over.
Hmm, I forgot to exercise, though. Funny that.
Go to grocery store.
Do laundry.
Go out for lunch and eat gigantor cheesy turkey melt and 5,624 french fries.
Waste an entire hour farfing about on the internets.
Go buy a mocha.
Clean a bathroom. Procrastinate about cleaning the other one because it's Saturday, and I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT, NEENER NEENER.
Listen to awesome Goth 80's tunes really loudly.
Buy a pair of shoes I don't actually need.
And it's only 4:00. So many other slothful, greedy, gluttonous things I could still fit in before the day is over.
Hmm, I forgot to exercise, though. Funny that.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
This Fake American just doesn't get it
So the McCain campaign has spent $150,000 on shopping sprees for Sarah Palin, plus a $4,000 haircut.
Maybe since I'm a Fake American, I am impaired to a point of not being able to understand how much money the McCain campaign spends on their wimmen-folk to make them palatable to that Real American demographic.
According to financial disclosure records, the accessorizing began in early September and included bills from Saks Fifth Avenue in St. Louis and New York for a combined $49,425.74.
The records also document a couple of big-time shopping trips to Neiman Marcus in Minneapolis, including one $75,062.63 spree in early September.
The RNC also spent $4,716.49 on hair and makeup through September after reporting no such costs in August.
Mmmmmkay.
So my question is this: Why does she still look like a mall rat? Or is it just because I’m a liberal elitist America-hater that I don’t get it? I’m sure that must be it since Seattle is no doubt on the McCain-Palin Fake America map.
And by the way, anyone who hasn’t seen The Daily Show’s brilliant report on Real America vs. Fake America from Monday night’s show, go to their site RIGHT NOW. Watch the Jason Jones report from Wasilla as well.
Maybe since I'm a Fake American, I am impaired to a point of not being able to understand how much money the McCain campaign spends on their wimmen-folk to make them palatable to that Real American demographic.
According to financial disclosure records, the accessorizing began in early September and included bills from Saks Fifth Avenue in St. Louis and New York for a combined $49,425.74.
The records also document a couple of big-time shopping trips to Neiman Marcus in Minneapolis, including one $75,062.63 spree in early September.
The RNC also spent $4,716.49 on hair and makeup through September after reporting no such costs in August.
Mmmmmkay.
So my question is this: Why does she still look like a mall rat? Or is it just because I’m a liberal elitist America-hater that I don’t get it? I’m sure that must be it since Seattle is no doubt on the McCain-Palin Fake America map.
And by the way, anyone who hasn’t seen The Daily Show’s brilliant report on Real America vs. Fake America from Monday night’s show, go to their site RIGHT NOW. Watch the Jason Jones report from Wasilla as well.
Monday, October 13, 2008
I alone can beat death's design
You know you're old when you find this exciting:
When we were at Costco on Saturday, I found a 2-pack of Calvin Klein
bras for $22!!
And...AND...the new Costco coupon book had one for $7 off Nexxus
Humectress conditioner. Dude! I'm a savvy shopper all over town! I
was so impressed with myself.
Oh, and I bought a black zip cardigan for 16 bucks. And it's not a
flimsy piece of crap like the ones they have at The Gap for $45.
Although it was funny, as I was pawing through the sweaters, this lady
next to me said, "Can you tell me what size my pants are? These are the
same ones, but I can't remember what size these are." So there I am
fishing down the back of this nice ladies Ralph Lauren jeans to see her
tag while my husband pretended like that wasn't happening right next to
him.
And then I spent the rest of my weekend cleaning, doing laundry, and
watching really hilariously bad horror movies on TV. Yes, I did watch
Final Destination 1, 2, AND 3. And guess what: THEY ALL DIE. Really. Crazy, no?
I am such a cheap date.
But it gets better! I also watched that talking sex with mom & dad show on MTV.
Yes, really.
Please, somebody bring back Celebrity Rehab! I'm not sure I *heart* Dr. Drew enough to continue to watch hootchie teenagers and their hootchie parents.
When we were at Costco on Saturday, I found a 2-pack of Calvin Klein
bras for $22!!
And...AND...the new Costco coupon book had one for $7 off Nexxus
Humectress conditioner. Dude! I'm a savvy shopper all over town! I
was so impressed with myself.
Oh, and I bought a black zip cardigan for 16 bucks. And it's not a
flimsy piece of crap like the ones they have at The Gap for $45.
Although it was funny, as I was pawing through the sweaters, this lady
next to me said, "Can you tell me what size my pants are? These are the
same ones, but I can't remember what size these are." So there I am
fishing down the back of this nice ladies Ralph Lauren jeans to see her
tag while my husband pretended like that wasn't happening right next to
him.
And then I spent the rest of my weekend cleaning, doing laundry, and
watching really hilariously bad horror movies on TV. Yes, I did watch
Final Destination 1, 2, AND 3. And guess what: THEY ALL DIE. Really. Crazy, no?
I am such a cheap date.
But it gets better! I also watched that talking sex with mom & dad show on MTV.
Yes, really.
Please, somebody bring back Celebrity Rehab! I'm not sure I *heart* Dr. Drew enough to continue to watch hootchie teenagers and their hootchie parents.
Friday, October 03, 2008
My week
Wake up too early, but don’t mind since am on vacation.
Hit the Bellagio pool in the range of 8-8:30 a.m.
Breakfast poolside on chocolate croissant and FREE iced tea (the only free thing at Bellagio)
Sit in pool
Turning 5,000 degrees by 11 am, so get out of pool and go shopping
Room is spotless upon every return to hotel.
There is chocolate.
There are clean towels upon every return to hotel.
Put money in slot machines and actually win on two occasions, totaling approximately $300
Pick numbers on Keno. Do not understand what the frack Keno is. Win $13 to help pay for lunch.
Drink alcoholic beverages while walking around shopping
Stuff face on overpriced but large quantities of food
Nearly convince self that $400 Michael Kors bag is a must-have until sister talks sense in mojito-induced fog
Begin to believe that every day for the rest of my life can be started with chocolate croissant and leisurely pool soaking
***ABERRANT NOISE OF SCREECHING BRAKES COME THURSDAY***
Wake up at 5 am when husband’s alarm goes off. Must get out of bed at 6 am. Must go to work and sit in office for 9 hours. Must not drink alcohol. Have no access to chocolate croissant.
There is no sun.
There is only dark in the mornings.
There is rain.
There are very large piles of work to do.
There is still no help for large piles of work to do.
There is distinct possibility that husband may be laid off before he reaches 5 years just when he was happily making progress in new position. A 5-year curse that has occurred at every company he’s ever worked for.
There are no clean towels upon every return home.
Bathroom sink has not been cleaned in over a week.
Will not even mention condition of toilets or kitchen floor.
Vacation is so over.
Hit the Bellagio pool in the range of 8-8:30 a.m.
Breakfast poolside on chocolate croissant and FREE iced tea (the only free thing at Bellagio)
Sit in pool
Turning 5,000 degrees by 11 am, so get out of pool and go shopping
Room is spotless upon every return to hotel.
There is chocolate.
There are clean towels upon every return to hotel.
Put money in slot machines and actually win on two occasions, totaling approximately $300
Pick numbers on Keno. Do not understand what the frack Keno is. Win $13 to help pay for lunch.
Drink alcoholic beverages while walking around shopping
Stuff face on overpriced but large quantities of food
Nearly convince self that $400 Michael Kors bag is a must-have until sister talks sense in mojito-induced fog
Begin to believe that every day for the rest of my life can be started with chocolate croissant and leisurely pool soaking
***ABERRANT NOISE OF SCREECHING BRAKES COME THURSDAY***
Wake up at 5 am when husband’s alarm goes off. Must get out of bed at 6 am. Must go to work and sit in office for 9 hours. Must not drink alcohol. Have no access to chocolate croissant.
There is no sun.
There is only dark in the mornings.
There is rain.
There are very large piles of work to do.
There is still no help for large piles of work to do.
There is distinct possibility that husband may be laid off before he reaches 5 years just when he was happily making progress in new position. A 5-year curse that has occurred at every company he’s ever worked for.
There are no clean towels upon every return home.
Bathroom sink has not been cleaned in over a week.
Will not even mention condition of toilets or kitchen floor.
Vacation is so over.
Friday, September 19, 2008
a week of poo
Literally, friends. Sewage flooding. No toilets. Yay. Good times.
But now, c'est le weekend! Not only is it hair appointment weekend so I can de-gray myself, but it's family birthday party Saturday.
Oh yeah, and I'LL BE IN SIN CITY IN A WEEK!
*shakes a groove thang*
I think we timed this perfectly. The weather is turning here, the heat is kicking on at night, and there's no more sun. But it will be 90 degrees poolside at Bellagio. Sweeeet.
I have nothing more to say. Me have dead brain. Me go watch Daily Show and eat M & M's. Me big fat ass. Me no care.
But now, c'est le weekend! Not only is it hair appointment weekend so I can de-gray myself, but it's family birthday party Saturday.
Oh yeah, and I'LL BE IN SIN CITY IN A WEEK!
*shakes a groove thang*
I think we timed this perfectly. The weather is turning here, the heat is kicking on at night, and there's no more sun. But it will be 90 degrees poolside at Bellagio. Sweeeet.
I have nothing more to say. Me have dead brain. Me go watch Daily Show and eat M & M's. Me big fat ass. Me no care.
Monday, September 08, 2008
just one question
America, you do realize that it's John McCain who's actually running for president and not Sarah Palin, right? It's super neat that she's "energized the base" and all (insert gagging noises), but since Vice Presidents have diddly-poo impact when it comes to policy (aside from crazypants Cheney, of course), it doesn't matter how way cool and pretty you think she is. This aint the homecoming dance.
(Although I haven't the foggiest idea why you do like her since you probably wouldn't like someone like her in your everyday life, but that's a discussion for another day. Really, that hair poof speaking volumes.)
In other news, I must express my contempt for the return of the neon pink/orange/green/blue Reebok. This travesty caught my eye in the window of Journeys yesterday. It looked bad in the 80's (trust me, I was there). It looks even worse now since everyone should know better.
Random Starbucks Scene:
Yesterday afternoon was nice and warm, so I stopped in for a frappuccino since it could possibly be my last of the season (although there still is Vegas). Ahead of me in line was this semi-buff dude with long hair in a ponytail. He could have been a yoga instructor or a male stripper. With him was the overly made up wife with gigantor Palin-esque hair poof who never removed her sunglasses. When the barista handed them their extra-hot lattes, he said, "Are you sure these are exactly 190 degrees?" She said that the temperature was indeed 190 degrees. Male stripper/yoga instructor said, "So you're certain they're 190 degrees."
Dude, it's 80 degrees outside!
Maybe he had some chi issues with requiring all beverages to be 190 degrees, who knows.
(Although I haven't the foggiest idea why you do like her since you probably wouldn't like someone like her in your everyday life, but that's a discussion for another day. Really, that hair poof speaking volumes.)
In other news, I must express my contempt for the return of the neon pink/orange/green/blue Reebok. This travesty caught my eye in the window of Journeys yesterday. It looked bad in the 80's (trust me, I was there). It looks even worse now since everyone should know better.
Random Starbucks Scene:
Yesterday afternoon was nice and warm, so I stopped in for a frappuccino since it could possibly be my last of the season (although there still is Vegas). Ahead of me in line was this semi-buff dude with long hair in a ponytail. He could have been a yoga instructor or a male stripper. With him was the overly made up wife with gigantor Palin-esque hair poof who never removed her sunglasses. When the barista handed them their extra-hot lattes, he said, "Are you sure these are exactly 190 degrees?" She said that the temperature was indeed 190 degrees. Male stripper/yoga instructor said, "So you're certain they're 190 degrees."
Dude, it's 80 degrees outside!
Maybe he had some chi issues with requiring all beverages to be 190 degrees, who knows.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
my fave quote of the day
Courtesy of Rebecca Schoenkopf, columnist for LA City Beat (aka Commie Girl).
As an actual feminist, I have the great good joy of getting to determine what is and isn’t sexist. Sexist: Asking whether Sarah Palin shouldn’t be staying home with her baby and her other children. (And yes, I’ve heard you asking just that.) Not sexist: Pointing out that Sarah Palin is an utter twit.
As an actual feminist, I have the great good joy of getting to determine what is and isn’t sexist. Sexist: Asking whether Sarah Palin shouldn’t be staying home with her baby and her other children. (And yes, I’ve heard you asking just that.) Not sexist: Pointing out that Sarah Palin is an utter twit.
Monday, August 25, 2008
le sigh
You know when you read a book and think, "This is the book I wish I could have written."
Okay, maybe that's just me since I'm dork. But when you (me) have these little fantasies of the perfect world being a published author, you (I) ponder the types of books you'd (I'd) want to claim as your (my) own.
Gods Behaving Badly by Marie Phillips is one of those books.
It's unexpected, smart, raunchy, laugh out loud funny, and so very clever. It has the same irreverence and "I can't believe she thought that up" feel of Good Omens (the ultimate I-wish-I-wrote-it book). And similar in flavor. Instead of turning Revelations upside-down, Gods Behaving Badly turns Mount Olympus upside-down.
Except the gods don't live on Mount Olympus anymore. They live in London in a crappy, dirty townhouse and have to work regular jobs to get by. Well, not quite regular jobs. Apollo is a TV psychic. Aphrodite is a phone sex operator. Artemis is a dog walker. Dionysus owns a bar. Eros is...well, I don't want to spoil that because I laughed out loud (one of many times) when Eros was introduced in the story. She gets their modern personalities spot-on.
The worst part of my writer envy is that Phillips is only 32 years old! Oh cruel world.
A cruel world with the infinite benefit of fantastic reads.
Okay, maybe that's just me since I'm dork. But when you (me) have these little fantasies of the perfect world being a published author, you (I) ponder the types of books you'd (I'd) want to claim as your (my) own.
Gods Behaving Badly by Marie Phillips is one of those books.
It's unexpected, smart, raunchy, laugh out loud funny, and so very clever. It has the same irreverence and "I can't believe she thought that up" feel of Good Omens (the ultimate I-wish-I-wrote-it book). And similar in flavor. Instead of turning Revelations upside-down, Gods Behaving Badly turns Mount Olympus upside-down.
Except the gods don't live on Mount Olympus anymore. They live in London in a crappy, dirty townhouse and have to work regular jobs to get by. Well, not quite regular jobs. Apollo is a TV psychic. Aphrodite is a phone sex operator. Artemis is a dog walker. Dionysus owns a bar. Eros is...well, I don't want to spoil that because I laughed out loud (one of many times) when Eros was introduced in the story. She gets their modern personalities spot-on.
The worst part of my writer envy is that Phillips is only 32 years old! Oh cruel world.
A cruel world with the infinite benefit of fantastic reads.
Friday, August 22, 2008
politics as usual
It was no surprise that the Obama campaign made an ad within milliseconds of McCain’s completely moronic response to the question of how many houses he owned. (And also no surprise that McCain issued a moronic response to begin with now that I know that he graduated 894th in his class of 899 at Annapolis. I think Dubya was even smarter than that as he sailed half-drunk and stroned through college.)
But now the McCain camp has issued a rebuttal ad, something to the effect of Obama buying his $1.6 million home (really not that much when you live in Seattle!) with the help of a convicted felon blah blah….
So I’m waiting now for Obama to say something like he doesn’t Skittles, and the McCain camp will fling out an ad to the effect of:
Barack Obama vacationed in Hawaii
And now he doesn’t like Skittles?
Every child loves Skittles and would rather vacation in Disneyland
Clearly, Senator Obama hates children
America cannot afford a child-hater in the White House
And then McCain will comment that he doesn’t like peanut butter, and the Obama camp will issue an ad:
Senator McCain hates your mother
He won’t even eat her peanut butter cookies
Do you really want to vote for the candidate who hates Mom?
November is going to be a long time coming.
But now the McCain camp has issued a rebuttal ad, something to the effect of Obama buying his $1.6 million home (really not that much when you live in Seattle!) with the help of a convicted felon blah blah….
So I’m waiting now for Obama to say something like he doesn’t Skittles, and the McCain camp will fling out an ad to the effect of:
Barack Obama vacationed in Hawaii
And now he doesn’t like Skittles?
Every child loves Skittles and would rather vacation in Disneyland
Clearly, Senator Obama hates children
America cannot afford a child-hater in the White House
And then McCain will comment that he doesn’t like peanut butter, and the Obama camp will issue an ad:
Senator McCain hates your mother
He won’t even eat her peanut butter cookies
Do you really want to vote for the candidate who hates Mom?
November is going to be a long time coming.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
I have terrible news to report
Abercrombie is opening its first store in Paris.
That in and of itself is disturbing enough. But it gets worse.
Paris is allowing Abercrombie on the Champs Elysee.
Abercrombie. On the Champs Elysee.
I'm just going to let that sink in for a moment.... No wait, I'll hurk up my lunch if I linger on that.
The most iconic shopping avenue in the world will now feature an Abercrombie. This is what we export to the world. Paris Hilton, Dubya, and Abercrombie.
Make it stop.
That in and of itself is disturbing enough. But it gets worse.
Paris is allowing Abercrombie on the Champs Elysee.
Abercrombie. On the Champs Elysee.
I'm just going to let that sink in for a moment.... No wait, I'll hurk up my lunch if I linger on that.
The most iconic shopping avenue in the world will now feature an Abercrombie. This is what we export to the world. Paris Hilton, Dubya, and Abercrombie.
Make it stop.
Monday, August 18, 2008
I know I'm not supposed to be entertained by spammers, but....
These new faux news update spams have become a daily source of entertainment, especially as I sift through 300+ spams in my work filter to make sure something important hasn't been trapped there.
These in particular cracked me up:
msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Paris Hilton Infested With Cockroaches
msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Bulimia Not The Same As Being A Greedy
Bastard, Say Doctors
msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Nature Did Not Connect the Funny Bone to the
Satire Bone
msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Study reveals bass players 'every bit as dull
as golfers'
And my favorite:
msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: The Founding Fathers Fought for My Right to
be a Stupid Jerk
These in particular cracked me up:
msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Paris Hilton Infested With Cockroaches
msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Bulimia Not The Same As Being A Greedy
Bastard, Say Doctors
msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Nature Did Not Connect the Funny Bone to the
Satire Bone
msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: Study reveals bass players 'every bit as dull
as golfers'
And my favorite:
msnbc.com - BREAKING NEWS: The Founding Fathers Fought for My Right to
be a Stupid Jerk
Friday, August 15, 2008
because food is the most important thing there is
1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
The VGT Omnivore’s Hundred:
1. Venison YUCK
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht YUCK
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari YUCK
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes Don't anybody pretend like you haven't tried white trash wine at some point!
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras YUCK
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters YUCK
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut YUCK
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O just a bad idea in general
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini tastes like trees
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips YUCK
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail YUCK
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
The VGT Omnivore’s Hundred:
1. Venison YUCK
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
9. Borscht YUCK
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari YUCK
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes Don't anybody pretend like you haven't tried white trash wine at some point!
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras YUCK
24. Rice and beans
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters YUCK
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut YUCK
35. Root beer float
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O just a bad idea in general
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini tastes like trees
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips YUCK
61. S’mores
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail YUCK
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant
85. Kobe beef
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
Thursday, July 24, 2008
why for
did the maid not tidy up whilst I was at work today? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm??
My house is a crazy disaster and must be tidied by Monday. Yet I have cabinet doors strewn all over the place, dining table chairs crowding out the family room that I want to get rid of but husband thinks we need for company (the whole one time we have that many people over that require more seating than the 6 new chairs we already have), and piles of towels (and more chairs!) in the guest room. It doesn't sound like a lot...unless you've been in my house to see I have no other place to put these things. The garage will be put to use.
And we won't even go into the craphole that is husband's domain where he keeps his clothes (since our closets are so small), the ironing board, and his standing-height desk that features about two tons of mail that needs to be shredded.
But, really, the sun is out and Kathy Griffin is on tonight, so I can't quite be buggered to be productive!
My house is a crazy disaster and must be tidied by Monday. Yet I have cabinet doors strewn all over the place, dining table chairs crowding out the family room that I want to get rid of but husband thinks we need for company (the whole one time we have that many people over that require more seating than the 6 new chairs we already have), and piles of towels (and more chairs!) in the guest room. It doesn't sound like a lot...unless you've been in my house to see I have no other place to put these things. The garage will be put to use.
And we won't even go into the craphole that is husband's domain where he keeps his clothes (since our closets are so small), the ironing board, and his standing-height desk that features about two tons of mail that needs to be shredded.
But, really, the sun is out and Kathy Griffin is on tonight, so I can't quite be buggered to be productive!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
danger, danger
I have discovered etsy.com. Oh dear. Why didn't anybody tell me about this before? Actually, it's probably good that no one told me about it, as in the last 12 hours I have purchased a 1960's tin lap tray in white and blue floral print just like one we had when I was a kid (please, like we're the only people who eat dinner in front of the TV), kitchen towels with some crazy orange flowers, and a 25-count set of vintage French/English flashcards.
What the crap am I going to do with French flashcards? I have no idea! But they were only 5 bucks! I know that some very talented individual would be able to make some cool art piece of out them, but given that it's me, they'll probably end up in some plastic business card holder from OfficeMax.
And THEN I found many sellers on Etsy selling really cool pillow covers. I really want some new pillows for my sofa, but they're all so expensive. And I want something vaguely mod-ish or something happily whimsical (but not cutesy or kitschy, I'm highly particular about this).
But just as I was considering purchasing some, I had the brilliant idea to email some links to my mom to see if she could find similar fabric and make some for me. She said that they'd be very easy to make and would look for some fabric. Sweet! (And I'm sure they are very easy since you're just sewing two squares together, but since, again, we're talking about me they'd end up pear-shaped.)
It's probably a good thing that my house is very small and that I have very limited room for decorative items, or I possibly would have purchased more.
And, while we're on the subject of me being an uber dork, I just made myself some cheap art by typing ampersands in different fonts and printing it on 11 x 17 paper. Did you know that there are ampersand blogs with photos of ampersands in every imaginable form? At least I'm only an uber dork and not a way super uber dork.
Let's see, what other stupid things have I been doing?
Oh, I've been reading this cool (not stupid) book called The Architecture of Happiness by Alain de Botton. No, it's not a self-help book, it's an architecture book. I just picked it up on a whim at the library, and it's really interesting. And fun to read about how gothic architecture came to be in vogue after classical was the norm for centuries. It's a very lyrical story, really, on what could be a rather dry subject. And, even better, lots of photos!
I believe that the man of the house has dinner ready, so off I go.
What the crap am I going to do with French flashcards? I have no idea! But they were only 5 bucks! I know that some very talented individual would be able to make some cool art piece of out them, but given that it's me, they'll probably end up in some plastic business card holder from OfficeMax.
And THEN I found many sellers on Etsy selling really cool pillow covers. I really want some new pillows for my sofa, but they're all so expensive. And I want something vaguely mod-ish or something happily whimsical (but not cutesy or kitschy, I'm highly particular about this).
But just as I was considering purchasing some, I had the brilliant idea to email some links to my mom to see if she could find similar fabric and make some for me. She said that they'd be very easy to make and would look for some fabric. Sweet! (And I'm sure they are very easy since you're just sewing two squares together, but since, again, we're talking about me they'd end up pear-shaped.)
It's probably a good thing that my house is very small and that I have very limited room for decorative items, or I possibly would have purchased more.
And, while we're on the subject of me being an uber dork, I just made myself some cheap art by typing ampersands in different fonts and printing it on 11 x 17 paper. Did you know that there are ampersand blogs with photos of ampersands in every imaginable form? At least I'm only an uber dork and not a way super uber dork.
Let's see, what other stupid things have I been doing?
Oh, I've been reading this cool (not stupid) book called The Architecture of Happiness by Alain de Botton. No, it's not a self-help book, it's an architecture book. I just picked it up on a whim at the library, and it's really interesting. And fun to read about how gothic architecture came to be in vogue after classical was the norm for centuries. It's a very lyrical story, really, on what could be a rather dry subject. And, even better, lots of photos!
I believe that the man of the house has dinner ready, so off I go.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
the bluest skies you've ever seen
...are apparently in Seattle!
Summer has finally settled in, and I have to say, as I do every year, that it's really difficult to find a better place to live when the weather gods cooperate.
Case in point, I took some visiting friends from Scotland down to Pike Place Market on Friday. No rain and not too hot so one could enjoy a leisurely stroll without melting to death.
Not only did the usual assortment of produce impress, but the lavender vendors all had fresh lavender. So lovely! My lavender is in full, fragrant bloom right now as well. If only I could somehow coax the bees to leave me some of their lavender honey, I'd really be living well.
Before heading back to the car on Friday, we stopped at the street window for Three Sisters Bakery so I could buy some pain au chocolat and blueberry scones, and my friend bought a huge challah loaf. Which we later consumed half of along with my mother-in-law's raspberry jam. Just standing around my kitchen cramming carbs in our cake holes. I'm hard pressed to think of a better way to spend the afternoon.
Summer has finally settled in, and I have to say, as I do every year, that it's really difficult to find a better place to live when the weather gods cooperate.
Case in point, I took some visiting friends from Scotland down to Pike Place Market on Friday. No rain and not too hot so one could enjoy a leisurely stroll without melting to death.
Not only did the usual assortment of produce impress, but the lavender vendors all had fresh lavender. So lovely! My lavender is in full, fragrant bloom right now as well. If only I could somehow coax the bees to leave me some of their lavender honey, I'd really be living well.
Before heading back to the car on Friday, we stopped at the street window for Three Sisters Bakery so I could buy some pain au chocolat and blueberry scones, and my friend bought a huge challah loaf. Which we later consumed half of along with my mother-in-law's raspberry jam. Just standing around my kitchen cramming carbs in our cake holes. I'm hard pressed to think of a better way to spend the afternoon.
Monday, July 14, 2008
in need of a Nate Berkus rescue
We love Eddie Izzard. Charles Darwin wrote a very famous book called MonkeyMonkeyMonkeyMonkeyMonkey…and you
And it’s a good thing I had a break to see Eddie at the Paramount on Saturday because I am living in home improvement hell. No, we haven’t knocked down any walls or gutted the kitchen (I wish!). Just a couple of projects that I figured would only take a couple of weekends.
I am now on Month Two.
Big Project #1 – Re-painting the kitchen cabinets. The previous owners clearly did not watch HGTV or DIY, as they painted the cabinets without removing the doors and drawers. Painted over hinges. Painted over pulls. And painted with some hideous high gloss that turned into a nasty, sticky, uncleanable mess.
This was my only motivation for painting the cabinets, as they would never come clean, no matter how many of my brain cells died from copious amounts of Goo Gone.
Magic Erasers? Love them. But they completely shredded on the cabinets.
In my head, it was a very easy project. Remove, paint, re-attach.
What my happy la-la imagination did not consider was:
Remove cabinet doors. Remove painted-on hinges. Break painted-on hinges while using profane language. Remove pulls. Remove pulls with leveraging action of large screwdriver while trying not to stab self. Sand. Sand. Sand. Prime this side. Dry. Prime this side again. Dry. Flip. Prime other side. Dry. Prime other side again. Dry. Paint other side. Dry. Re-sand grime that paint couldn’t cover. Re-prime. Re-paint. Buy shiny new pulls at Lowe’s. Discover that screws are too short for cabinet doors. Return to Lowe’s with sample screw and pull to find new match. Discover that new screws are too long for drawer. Discover that stock screws work just fine in drawer. Discover that doors are thicker than drawers. Discover that mounting screws for kitchen light (next story) would actually work in doors. Go to McLendon’s for door screws. Get confused over eleventy billion different sizes of screws on workbench and call it a day.
Big Project #2 – Replace “dining room” light. This isn’t necessarily a big project in concrete terms, but it’s big in my mind because the previous owners fancied that they could turn a 1969 split-level into a Victorian tea room. The light was a level of cheap frippery beyond anything I imagined could actually be sold in stores. What should have been a quick 20-minute change out, turned into an hour-plus ordeal since the mounting fixture that came with our new, modern light fixture didn’t not work in any way, shape, or form. The screws that were supposed to be bolted to the cap absolutely would not do what they were supposed to do. Luckily, I have a very patient husband who figured out how to make it work. And the upside being that the mounting screws that didn’t work did work for my cabinet pulls.
Big Project #3 – Re-paint bathrooms. I had no illusions that I would have time to finish this task before August, but I decided to get a start by scrubbing the doors with my Magic Erasers. I knew that the master bath had previously been gold. Yes, gold. One can see the streaks of gold through the white paint since the previous owners did not bother to prime over the gold. So revealing more gold while Magic Erasering came as no surprise. However, whilst Magic Erasering the door in the guest bathroom, I discovered purple. So even the bathroom used to be purple. It wasn’t enough the floors, kitchen, and spare bedroom were purple (the floors and spare bedroom still are, much to my dismay). Upon discovering a purple corner on the guest bath door, I threw away the Magic Eraser and had a cookie.
Actually, I had four cookies. But they’re small Trader Joe’s chocolate chip cookies, so it really only counted as two normal cookies.
Big Project #4 – Clean the deck. This I did want to complete quickly since we have company this week. I know my company doesn’t care if my deck is dirty, but it’s more important that I care that the deck is dirty. Cost Plus (I supposed non-West Coast people call it World Market) was having a huge clearance sale, so I picked up summery things for my deck. Cheery bamboo mats for the table to replace the BBQ-dust covered tablecloth. Candle laterns for tealights. Cushions for extra folding chairs, if need be since we only have two deck chairs. Nobody ever wants to come to our house, and husband doesn’t sit, so I’m pretty much the only one in need of sitting out there. So on the rare occasion that we have company, there’s no place to sit. I cleaned out the IKEA drawer set that’s out there, which is totally empty but something we don’t want to get rid of since it comes it handy when we do need it. But, in doing so, I unleashed Mothra. Mothra is now residing in my kitchen. I kept trying to think of Mothra as a butterfly, but Mothra was freaking me out too bad so I went out to my clean deck and watched a movie on my portable DVD player.
Oh, and bonus deal at Cost Plus. For buying all that sale crap, they gave me a free Cost Plus canvas back so I can be an eco-friendly shopper the next time I visit (which is likely never since husband saw how much crap I bought).
Big Project #5 – Replace purple carpet and old kitchen appliances. This one will be happening any day now as soon as I win the HGTV Design Star $5000 giveaway, the Food Network Star new kitchen appliances giveaway, and Lumber Liquidators $5000 flooring giveaway. Oh, and the DIY Network’s $100,000 new tools giveaway (which I obviously will NOT be using for tools).
And it’s a good thing I had a break to see Eddie at the Paramount on Saturday because I am living in home improvement hell. No, we haven’t knocked down any walls or gutted the kitchen (I wish!). Just a couple of projects that I figured would only take a couple of weekends.
I am now on Month Two.
Big Project #1 – Re-painting the kitchen cabinets. The previous owners clearly did not watch HGTV or DIY, as they painted the cabinets without removing the doors and drawers. Painted over hinges. Painted over pulls. And painted with some hideous high gloss that turned into a nasty, sticky, uncleanable mess.
This was my only motivation for painting the cabinets, as they would never come clean, no matter how many of my brain cells died from copious amounts of Goo Gone.
Magic Erasers? Love them. But they completely shredded on the cabinets.
In my head, it was a very easy project. Remove, paint, re-attach.
What my happy la-la imagination did not consider was:
Remove cabinet doors. Remove painted-on hinges. Break painted-on hinges while using profane language. Remove pulls. Remove pulls with leveraging action of large screwdriver while trying not to stab self. Sand. Sand. Sand. Prime this side. Dry. Prime this side again. Dry. Flip. Prime other side. Dry. Prime other side again. Dry. Paint other side. Dry. Re-sand grime that paint couldn’t cover. Re-prime. Re-paint. Buy shiny new pulls at Lowe’s. Discover that screws are too short for cabinet doors. Return to Lowe’s with sample screw and pull to find new match. Discover that new screws are too long for drawer. Discover that stock screws work just fine in drawer. Discover that doors are thicker than drawers. Discover that mounting screws for kitchen light (next story) would actually work in doors. Go to McLendon’s for door screws. Get confused over eleventy billion different sizes of screws on workbench and call it a day.
Big Project #2 – Replace “dining room” light. This isn’t necessarily a big project in concrete terms, but it’s big in my mind because the previous owners fancied that they could turn a 1969 split-level into a Victorian tea room. The light was a level of cheap frippery beyond anything I imagined could actually be sold in stores. What should have been a quick 20-minute change out, turned into an hour-plus ordeal since the mounting fixture that came with our new, modern light fixture didn’t not work in any way, shape, or form. The screws that were supposed to be bolted to the cap absolutely would not do what they were supposed to do. Luckily, I have a very patient husband who figured out how to make it work. And the upside being that the mounting screws that didn’t work did work for my cabinet pulls.
Big Project #3 – Re-paint bathrooms. I had no illusions that I would have time to finish this task before August, but I decided to get a start by scrubbing the doors with my Magic Erasers. I knew that the master bath had previously been gold. Yes, gold. One can see the streaks of gold through the white paint since the previous owners did not bother to prime over the gold. So revealing more gold while Magic Erasering came as no surprise. However, whilst Magic Erasering the door in the guest bathroom, I discovered purple. So even the bathroom used to be purple. It wasn’t enough the floors, kitchen, and spare bedroom were purple (the floors and spare bedroom still are, much to my dismay). Upon discovering a purple corner on the guest bath door, I threw away the Magic Eraser and had a cookie.
Actually, I had four cookies. But they’re small Trader Joe’s chocolate chip cookies, so it really only counted as two normal cookies.
Big Project #4 – Clean the deck. This I did want to complete quickly since we have company this week. I know my company doesn’t care if my deck is dirty, but it’s more important that I care that the deck is dirty. Cost Plus (I supposed non-West Coast people call it World Market) was having a huge clearance sale, so I picked up summery things for my deck. Cheery bamboo mats for the table to replace the BBQ-dust covered tablecloth. Candle laterns for tealights. Cushions for extra folding chairs, if need be since we only have two deck chairs. Nobody ever wants to come to our house, and husband doesn’t sit, so I’m pretty much the only one in need of sitting out there. So on the rare occasion that we have company, there’s no place to sit. I cleaned out the IKEA drawer set that’s out there, which is totally empty but something we don’t want to get rid of since it comes it handy when we do need it. But, in doing so, I unleashed Mothra. Mothra is now residing in my kitchen. I kept trying to think of Mothra as a butterfly, but Mothra was freaking me out too bad so I went out to my clean deck and watched a movie on my portable DVD player.
Oh, and bonus deal at Cost Plus. For buying all that sale crap, they gave me a free Cost Plus canvas back so I can be an eco-friendly shopper the next time I visit (which is likely never since husband saw how much crap I bought).
Big Project #5 – Replace purple carpet and old kitchen appliances. This one will be happening any day now as soon as I win the HGTV Design Star $5000 giveaway, the Food Network Star new kitchen appliances giveaway, and Lumber Liquidators $5000 flooring giveaway. Oh, and the DIY Network’s $100,000 new tools giveaway (which I obviously will NOT be using for tools).
Saturday, July 12, 2008
I poke badgers with spoons
It's official. The stupidest shoppers in the world can be found at Toys R Us. I supposed this doesn't come as a shock to anyone who actually frequents Toys R Us, but I believe the last time I was in a Toys R Us was around 2 years ago.
There I was, trying to find a large inflatable beach ball. And some harpie was having a complete meltdown, yammering at her husband about how ANGRY she was that she could find something she was after in the Summer Fun section. Her husband was about the size of Chewbacca and continually stood in the way of my cart while he tried to placate his harpie wife with "honey, what about this?" "honey, what about that?" while she continued to tirade about how ANGRY she was.
Lady, it's a Toys R Us. Find a real problem before you get angry.
But I'm going to put her yuppie stupidity out of my mind because tonight we go see Eddie Izzard!
First I must go chugalug some iced tea. I've been on liquid restriction most of the day since it was marathon hair appointment day, which means I'm sitting in the chair for 2 hours while she colors and cuts. Nobody wants to have to pee while wearing a salon robe and sporting Medusa hair full of dye.
There I was, trying to find a large inflatable beach ball. And some harpie was having a complete meltdown, yammering at her husband about how ANGRY she was that she could find something she was after in the Summer Fun section. Her husband was about the size of Chewbacca and continually stood in the way of my cart while he tried to placate his harpie wife with "honey, what about this?" "honey, what about that?" while she continued to tirade about how ANGRY she was.
Lady, it's a Toys R Us. Find a real problem before you get angry.
But I'm going to put her yuppie stupidity out of my mind because tonight we go see Eddie Izzard!
First I must go chugalug some iced tea. I've been on liquid restriction most of the day since it was marathon hair appointment day, which means I'm sitting in the chair for 2 hours while she colors and cuts. Nobody wants to have to pee while wearing a salon robe and sporting Medusa hair full of dye.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Save the Chocolate
All of a sudden it's HOT here. We go from one extreme to the other. First it was crappy. Then we had some beautiful days this week in the mid-70's. And now it's supposed to be in the 90's for the next few days (and humid!).
When we got home from the farmer's market this morning and the house was already stuffy, I thought "Holy crap! My chocolate!" My glorious stash of chocolate that I collect and that I received for my birthday is on the verge of disaster. I lost my entire chocolate stash last summer when it hit 90 degrees outside, as it only takes a few hours before it's 87 degrees in the house. That's not a healthy environment for chocolate! And putting it in the fridge makes it too cold so it gets weird.
Then my husband had the genius idea that I should put it in the wine cellar (the dark little crawl space under the stairs in which one can find wine, air mattresses, and Christmas decorations). So I sprang into action and cleaned all chocolate out of the cupboards and relocated it to the wine cellar. Disaster averted!
I'm feeling much better about life now. Except I have to clean the bathrooms.
When we got home from the farmer's market this morning and the house was already stuffy, I thought "Holy crap! My chocolate!" My glorious stash of chocolate that I collect and that I received for my birthday is on the verge of disaster. I lost my entire chocolate stash last summer when it hit 90 degrees outside, as it only takes a few hours before it's 87 degrees in the house. That's not a healthy environment for chocolate! And putting it in the fridge makes it too cold so it gets weird.
Then my husband had the genius idea that I should put it in the wine cellar (the dark little crawl space under the stairs in which one can find wine, air mattresses, and Christmas decorations). So I sprang into action and cleaned all chocolate out of the cupboards and relocated it to the wine cellar. Disaster averted!
I'm feeling much better about life now. Except I have to clean the bathrooms.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
The reading meme
The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed. I think I can do a little better than that.
1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien - I tried, but they're SO DULL
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte - One of my favorites
4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible - Not the whole thing, but I spent my time in Sunday School and Catechism
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell - Gawd, what a dullard
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman - I only read The Golden Compass
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens - I'm not a Dickens fan, though.
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare - Some! Nobody has read all of it. And plays meant to be read anyway! And sonnets are redundant.
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier I always wanted to read this.
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger - Believe it or not, I missed this when I changed schools.
19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger I have this at home.
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot I don't even know why I want to read this.
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck - Steinbeck puts me to sleep!
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen I don't typically read Austen, but I really liked this one. One of her smarter female characters.
36. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
37. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
38. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
39. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
40. Animal Farm - George Orwell - I hated this more than 1984.
41. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown The most brainless book to ever earn eleventy billion dollars.
42. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
43. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
44. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
45. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
46. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
47. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood - It's the only Atwood book I really got into. Excellent on so many levels.
48. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
49. Atonement - Ian McEwan Only about 5 chapters. McEwan stimies you in the details.
50. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
51. Dune - Frank Herbert
52. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
53. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
54. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
55. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
56. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens - Why did they make us read so much bloody Dickens in high school?
57. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
58. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
59. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
60. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck - And so much friggin' Steinbeck!
61. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
62. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
63. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
64. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas - I read this in my high school senior French class. What a hoot to read a book in a foreign language and actually understand it!
65. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
66. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
67. Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding
68. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
69. Moby Dick - Herman Melville - Another high school torture.
70. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens - Gah!
71. Dracula - Bram Stoker - Read this in college. I can't remember the name of the class, but we read Dracula, Frankenstein, A Christmas Carol, and the Batman graphic novel. The prof was a bit off, but fun.
72.The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett - I loved this around the age of 11 or so.
73. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
74. Ulysses - James Joyce
75. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
76. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
77. Germinal - Emile Zola
78. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
79. Possession - AS Byatt
80. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens The only Dickens I can stomach.
81. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
82. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
83. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
84. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
85. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
86. Charlotte's Web - EB White I remember crying so hard at the end of this when I was a kid. And I hate spiders!
87. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
88. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
89. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
90. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
91. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery Le Petit Prince en francais! I didn't like it, though.
92. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
93. Watership Down - Richard Adams This was as torturous as Animal Farm. I had to read both in 8th grade, and hated them!
94. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
95. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
96. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
97. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl - I loved this SO MUCH as a kid. I read it over and over and over. And the sequel, too. Charlie and the Glass Elevator or something? Such a wonderful story about good things happening to a good kid and all the brats getting what they deserved. I read it every time I felt picked on.
98. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo Snoozerville
No idea what happened to 99 & 100!
1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien - I tried, but they're SO DULL
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte - One of my favorites
4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible - Not the whole thing, but I spent my time in Sunday School and Catechism
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell - Gawd, what a dullard
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman - I only read The Golden Compass
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens - I'm not a Dickens fan, though.
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare - Some! Nobody has read all of it. And plays meant to be read anyway! And sonnets are redundant.
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier I always wanted to read this.
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger - Believe it or not, I missed this when I changed schools.
19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger I have this at home.
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot I don't even know why I want to read this.
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck - Steinbeck puts me to sleep!
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen I don't typically read Austen, but I really liked this one. One of her smarter female characters.
36. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
37. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
38. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
39. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
40. Animal Farm - George Orwell - I hated this more than 1984.
41. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown The most brainless book to ever earn eleventy billion dollars.
42. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
43. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
44. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
45. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
46. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
47. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood - It's the only Atwood book I really got into. Excellent on so many levels.
48. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
49. Atonement - Ian McEwan Only about 5 chapters. McEwan stimies you in the details.
50. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
51. Dune - Frank Herbert
52. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
53. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
54. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
55. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
56. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens - Why did they make us read so much bloody Dickens in high school?
57. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
58. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
59. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
60. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck - And so much friggin' Steinbeck!
61. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
62. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
63. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
64. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas - I read this in my high school senior French class. What a hoot to read a book in a foreign language and actually understand it!
65. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
66. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
67. Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding
68. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
69. Moby Dick - Herman Melville - Another high school torture.
70. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens - Gah!
71. Dracula - Bram Stoker - Read this in college. I can't remember the name of the class, but we read Dracula, Frankenstein, A Christmas Carol, and the Batman graphic novel. The prof was a bit off, but fun.
72.The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett - I loved this around the age of 11 or so.
73. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
74. Ulysses - James Joyce
75. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
76. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
77. Germinal - Emile Zola
78. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
79. Possession - AS Byatt
80. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens The only Dickens I can stomach.
81. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
82. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
83. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
84. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
85. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
86. Charlotte's Web - EB White I remember crying so hard at the end of this when I was a kid. And I hate spiders!
87. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
88. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
89. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
90. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
91. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery Le Petit Prince en francais! I didn't like it, though.
92. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
93. Watership Down - Richard Adams This was as torturous as Animal Farm. I had to read both in 8th grade, and hated them!
94. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
95. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
96. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
97. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl - I loved this SO MUCH as a kid. I read it over and over and over. And the sequel, too. Charlie and the Glass Elevator or something? Such a wonderful story about good things happening to a good kid and all the brats getting what they deserved. I read it every time I felt picked on.
98. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo Snoozerville
No idea what happened to 99 & 100!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Can you pick the Monday?
Here’s a game we’re going to play. I’m going to describe three separate days of my life, and you see if you can pick out the Monday! Fun, eh?
Okay, here we go!
One Day of My Life:
Copious amounts of the best kind of food – meaning, snacks! Cheese, salami, salads, chocolate. Oh, and mimosas. Heavy on the mimosa and the chocolate.
Another Day of My Life:
Making pretty in the yard. Heliotropes and coleus…dahlias and phlox…. Oh, and ice cream. Laying in the back yard reading.
And the Third Day of My Life:
Waking up at 5:30 am. Confined indoors for 8.5 hours. Staying up too late watching Oprah just because Steve Carrell was on, and I needed a laugh. Cleaning toilets.
Can you pick the Monday? Can you? Wow, your powers of deduction are ASTOUNDING!
In other news, my sister is a genius, and her post about sucking at stuff is a must-read:
http://cursinginheels.blogspot.com/2008/06/letting-yourself-suck.html
Okay, here we go!
One Day of My Life:
Copious amounts of the best kind of food – meaning, snacks! Cheese, salami, salads, chocolate. Oh, and mimosas. Heavy on the mimosa and the chocolate.
Another Day of My Life:
Making pretty in the yard. Heliotropes and coleus…dahlias and phlox…. Oh, and ice cream. Laying in the back yard reading.
And the Third Day of My Life:
Waking up at 5:30 am. Confined indoors for 8.5 hours. Staying up too late watching Oprah just because Steve Carrell was on, and I needed a laugh. Cleaning toilets.
Can you pick the Monday? Can you? Wow, your powers of deduction are ASTOUNDING!
In other news, my sister is a genius, and her post about sucking at stuff is a must-read:
http://cursinginheels.blogspot.com/2008/06/letting-yourself-suck.html
Thursday, June 19, 2008
important service
I just wanted to compile all the important work that a friend and I did yesterday. It all started with an email from her....
Tag, you're it
To which I cleverly responded:
Hee!!
Her:
The hockey season is over, what's a guy to do...
Me:
There's always tennis!
Her:
Or, should the weather be fine, a swim?
Me:
Ah yes, swimming! But don't forget to bring a change of clothes for when it's time to get back to business.
I want extra credit for refraining from sending buff Daniel in the ocean while you're at work.
Her:
Yes, tho' (there's a rumour going around that) it's almost summer, so no one will mind if you want to undo a couple of buttons and let your hair down. ;-)
Me:
Well heck, if it's summer, that means it's time for frolicking in the great outdoors!
Her:
...and soaking up some rays...
Me:
Go for a spin with the top down!
Her:
Enjoy an evening out with a friend.
There are, obviously, many fabulous pics of Gerry out there but this one made me laugh. Plus, this means Gerry is taller than me, so I'm happy. ;-)
Me:
And since we're among friends, you can just kick back and relax.
Her:
...and let it all hang out...
(LOL, I'm so sorry, but I couldn't resist!)
Me:
But be careful! Idleness can lead to a life of crime!
Her:
So consider the consequences of your actions. Behave accordingly--and look damn fine doing it.
Me:
Because even in the midst of peril, it's important to accessorize.
Her:
But, remember, when working with accessories one should rigorously apply a liberal dose of caution and good taste. As Coco Chanel famously said, "A woman should always take one item off before leaving the house"--an adage that is doubly true for men.
L!O!L!
Tag, you're it
To which I cleverly responded:
Hee!!
Her:
The hockey season is over, what's a guy to do...
Me:
There's always tennis!
Her:
Or, should the weather be fine, a swim?
Me:
Ah yes, swimming! But don't forget to bring a change of clothes for when it's time to get back to business.
I want extra credit for refraining from sending buff Daniel in the ocean while you're at work.
Her:
Yes, tho' (there's a rumour going around that) it's almost summer, so no one will mind if you want to undo a couple of buttons and let your hair down. ;-)
Me:
Well heck, if it's summer, that means it's time for frolicking in the great outdoors!
Her:
...and soaking up some rays...
Me:
Go for a spin with the top down!
Her:
Enjoy an evening out with a friend.
There are, obviously, many fabulous pics of Gerry out there but this one made me laugh. Plus, this means Gerry is taller than me, so I'm happy. ;-)
Me:
And since we're among friends, you can just kick back and relax.
Her:
...and let it all hang out...
(LOL, I'm so sorry, but I couldn't resist!)
Me:
But be careful! Idleness can lead to a life of crime!
Her:
So consider the consequences of your actions. Behave accordingly--and look damn fine doing it.
Me:
Because even in the midst of peril, it's important to accessorize.
Her:
But, remember, when working with accessories one should rigorously apply a liberal dose of caution and good taste. As Coco Chanel famously said, "A woman should always take one item off before leaving the house"--an adage that is doubly true for men.
L!O!L!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
in memoriam
After seeing Singing in the Rain, I wanted to be Cyd Charisse when I grew up. She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen (and, really, still is).
order your t-shirts now
I’m stealing from myself, so that doesn’t count as plagiarism, right?
There are many campaigns going on in the world. Save the Earth (because it’s the only planet with chocolate). End This War. Obama ’08. Race for the Cure. The One Campaign. Fund Our Schools. French Cuisine Kills Bunnies.
But it seems to me that the world is missing a very important activist cause right now. That would be the Undoing Seriously Unenlightened Coffee Klutzes campaign. U-SUCK for short.
Okay, so maybe I need to work on the name a little bit, but the purpose of U-SUCK would be to put an end to the people in line at Starbucks who order a venti six shot banana meringue mocha 3/4 full with half-whip, half-yak foam.
Over. Done with.
Granted, it’s Starbucks’ fault for catering to this milkshake population to begin with, but I can’t stand in another line for eleventy billion years while the moron in front of me has to read her drink order off a parchment scroll so she can actually remember how stupid her order is, let alone the poor barista trying to write 6x M BaM ¾ ½ wh + ½ yf on the paper cup.
The 1st stage of my campaign would involve simple shoving those people out of line. If they try to get back in line, we haul them off to a coffee reprogramming center in Guatamala.
The 2nd stage of my campaign would be directed at the person who gets in line at 7 am with a drink list for her entire office because she thinks it’ll make her popular to bring all 458 of her co-workers coffee (who all happen to drink venti breve macchiatos with extra whip). She then must proceed to tell the barista fascinating details about each of those co-workers while the overtaxed barista is trying to make 458 venti breve macchiatos.
The solution for this would be a swift kick to the back of her knees, followed by intensive psychiatric care until she understands that holding up the line in Starbucks at 7 am for her 458 ungrateful coworkers will not make her more valued or more loved. It just makes her a sucker who annoys the crap out of everybody else in line at Starbucks.
I know this may sound somewhat violent and snobby, but I believe it’s really for everyone’s good. You won’t find me sniffing and swishing coffee and remarking on the undernotes like a seasoned sommelier. (Actually, I wouldn’t do that with wine either. Spit out wine? Are you CRAZY?) But this is simply a practical matter and will improve everyone’s standing in the world. Any remaining persons who desired a caffeinated milkshake would then be forced to go to Dunkin Donuts, and my mornings would be much happier. A nice by-product of this would be that Starbucks would eventually get rid of the caffeinated milkshake beverages (well, except for the coffee frappuccino; I’m not a Puritan, people!). We could then return the good ol’ days of streamlined coffee ordering where the only decision was between a latte and a cappuccino.
Another excellent by-product of this campaign would be that McDonald’s would have to stop running their inane ads that imply that going to Starbucks is way too posh for the general public, so we should go to McD’s and order a “latte” made from powdered coffee and powdered milk in a 7-11 machine. Please. Any troglodyte can (and does!) hang out at Starbucks. And Sanka isn’t espresso. Ever.
All I need now are some U-SUCK wrist bands, and I’ll be in business.
There are many campaigns going on in the world. Save the Earth (because it’s the only planet with chocolate). End This War. Obama ’08. Race for the Cure. The One Campaign. Fund Our Schools. French Cuisine Kills Bunnies.
But it seems to me that the world is missing a very important activist cause right now. That would be the Undoing Seriously Unenlightened Coffee Klutzes campaign. U-SUCK for short.
Okay, so maybe I need to work on the name a little bit, but the purpose of U-SUCK would be to put an end to the people in line at Starbucks who order a venti six shot banana meringue mocha 3/4 full with half-whip, half-yak foam.
Over. Done with.
Granted, it’s Starbucks’ fault for catering to this milkshake population to begin with, but I can’t stand in another line for eleventy billion years while the moron in front of me has to read her drink order off a parchment scroll so she can actually remember how stupid her order is, let alone the poor barista trying to write 6x M BaM ¾ ½ wh + ½ yf on the paper cup.
The 1st stage of my campaign would involve simple shoving those people out of line. If they try to get back in line, we haul them off to a coffee reprogramming center in Guatamala.
The 2nd stage of my campaign would be directed at the person who gets in line at 7 am with a drink list for her entire office because she thinks it’ll make her popular to bring all 458 of her co-workers coffee (who all happen to drink venti breve macchiatos with extra whip). She then must proceed to tell the barista fascinating details about each of those co-workers while the overtaxed barista is trying to make 458 venti breve macchiatos.
The solution for this would be a swift kick to the back of her knees, followed by intensive psychiatric care until she understands that holding up the line in Starbucks at 7 am for her 458 ungrateful coworkers will not make her more valued or more loved. It just makes her a sucker who annoys the crap out of everybody else in line at Starbucks.
I know this may sound somewhat violent and snobby, but I believe it’s really for everyone’s good. You won’t find me sniffing and swishing coffee and remarking on the undernotes like a seasoned sommelier. (Actually, I wouldn’t do that with wine either. Spit out wine? Are you CRAZY?) But this is simply a practical matter and will improve everyone’s standing in the world. Any remaining persons who desired a caffeinated milkshake would then be forced to go to Dunkin Donuts, and my mornings would be much happier. A nice by-product of this would be that Starbucks would eventually get rid of the caffeinated milkshake beverages (well, except for the coffee frappuccino; I’m not a Puritan, people!). We could then return the good ol’ days of streamlined coffee ordering where the only decision was between a latte and a cappuccino.
Another excellent by-product of this campaign would be that McDonald’s would have to stop running their inane ads that imply that going to Starbucks is way too posh for the general public, so we should go to McD’s and order a “latte” made from powdered coffee and powdered milk in a 7-11 machine. Please. Any troglodyte can (and does!) hang out at Starbucks. And Sanka isn’t espresso. Ever.
All I need now are some U-SUCK wrist bands, and I’ll be in business.
Monday, June 16, 2008
ma vie en rose
My car is dead. As in D – E – A – D. As in had to be towed to the dealer dead. As in there shouldn’t be a damn thing wrong with it because it’s only four years old, and I drove it all day yesterday without incident, but apparently it has PMS, so it refused to start and wouldn’t even go into gear to move it out of the garage kind of dead.
And this, my friends (my vast readership), is because my life is awesome.
But I am wearing new shoes, and it’s above 70 degrees for the first time in an era, so yay me.
You know what would be even more awesome is if they can’t fix my car today, and I have to ride into work with my husband tomorrow morning. My husband who leaves for work at SIX FREAKING A.M.
BlargaBlargaBlarga
And I forgot my iPod at home. I was rushing so much once the tow truck left in order to get my silly arse together before a friend came to pick me up for work that I forgot the iPod. How am I supposed to get through the workday without my tunes, yo!
So I’m streaming KCRW. They’re super cool when one lacks an iPod.
Oh Sweet Jesus, my car will be ready this afternoon. I’m sure this is a greater relief to my husband than to me. He knows how incredibly well I function in the morning (something on par with a Kraken), and I’m sure he was really looking forward to commuting with me.
So there goes $290 to the Nissan dealer. That’s an awfully expensive car wash.
And this, my friends (my vast readership), is because my life is awesome.
But I am wearing new shoes, and it’s above 70 degrees for the first time in an era, so yay me.
You know what would be even more awesome is if they can’t fix my car today, and I have to ride into work with my husband tomorrow morning. My husband who leaves for work at SIX FREAKING A.M.
BlargaBlargaBlarga
And I forgot my iPod at home. I was rushing so much once the tow truck left in order to get my silly arse together before a friend came to pick me up for work that I forgot the iPod. How am I supposed to get through the workday without my tunes, yo!
So I’m streaming KCRW. They’re super cool when one lacks an iPod.
Oh Sweet Jesus, my car will be ready this afternoon. I’m sure this is a greater relief to my husband than to me. He knows how incredibly well I function in the morning (something on par with a Kraken), and I’m sure he was really looking forward to commuting with me.
So there goes $290 to the Nissan dealer. That’s an awfully expensive car wash.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Viva Las Vegas, baby!!
My sister (aka Cursing in Heels) and I are going to Vegas, baby! I can't even begin to describe how fabulously excited I am about this.
True, we don't go until the end of September, but so what! Bellagio awaits. I know many people think Vegas is incredibly cheeseball. But those people simply have never stayed at Bellagio.
When you can't afford to fly to and/or stay at a true luxury resort beyond the continental U.S., you go to Bellagio (if you're smart). Plus, I scored us a free night at the Westin to start the trip so we don't have to pay crazy-ass Saturday night rates! And I even figured out how to find the cheaper Bellagio rates. They hide them, silly bastages. But I know their tricks.
Yes, that would be me who rocks.
And combined with my favorite cheap-eats locales, we'll be set! We can be posh without spending a lot of dosh. And, most importantly, lounge in the best pool area evah whilst reading trashing magazines, gossiping, and refusing to do anything remotely productive.
Sweet! I can feel the sun already (well, sort of...it may take a while for my frozen, vampiric skin to remember what that big ball of fire in the sky actually is)
Plus, this meets one item on my Celebrate the Last Year of My Thirties list. Vacation! (Okay, so that's always on my annual agenda, but I think I should do something extra-special in recognition of the last year of my 30's. Like go into Christian Louboutin in Vegas and . . . well, all I can actually do is try something on, but that's sporting.)
True, we don't go until the end of September, but so what! Bellagio awaits. I know many people think Vegas is incredibly cheeseball. But those people simply have never stayed at Bellagio.
When you can't afford to fly to and/or stay at a true luxury resort beyond the continental U.S., you go to Bellagio (if you're smart). Plus, I scored us a free night at the Westin to start the trip so we don't have to pay crazy-ass Saturday night rates! And I even figured out how to find the cheaper Bellagio rates. They hide them, silly bastages. But I know their tricks.
Yes, that would be me who rocks.
And combined with my favorite cheap-eats locales, we'll be set! We can be posh without spending a lot of dosh. And, most importantly, lounge in the best pool area evah whilst reading trashing magazines, gossiping, and refusing to do anything remotely productive.
Sweet! I can feel the sun already (well, sort of...it may take a while for my frozen, vampiric skin to remember what that big ball of fire in the sky actually is)
Plus, this meets one item on my Celebrate the Last Year of My Thirties list. Vacation! (Okay, so that's always on my annual agenda, but I think I should do something extra-special in recognition of the last year of my 30's. Like go into Christian Louboutin in Vegas and . . . well, all I can actually do is try something on, but that's sporting.)
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
save me
Today's headline in the Seattle Times:
Seattle Weather: Colder than Siberia!
And to depress us even more, they showed a map with temps from Siberia, Alaska, and Seattle. Thanks, dudes. That rocks.
So my movie marathonage continues in order to keep myself distracted from eating everything in the house and/or beating myself with a shoe until sufficient brain damage occurs so I don't even notice the weather anymore.
Last night I watched Fin Août, Début Septembre. I found it to be a fairly typical French character piece with some questionable editing, but since Mathieu Amalric was a very cute pup 10 years ago, it was worth the viewing for me. He was excellent in it, but it could possibly be wearing on anyone else who doesn't share my penchant for offbeat acteurs français.
Tonight I watched Look Both Ways. LOVED THIS FILM. I'm not even sure how it ended up on my queue, if by Netflix rec or if I found it in the paper during the year-end Best Of movie lists. It's a wonderful little film. I wasn't too sure about it at first because it's basically about people with various problems, and I typically don't like wah-wah-kvetching movies, but this wasn't like that all. And it's an Australian film, so the bonus is that you don't get a subtitle headache from it! It's one of those films that makes you lament that more films aren't made like it.
And now I must finish laundry. Oh yes, turn green with your envy of me!
Seattle Weather: Colder than Siberia!
And to depress us even more, they showed a map with temps from Siberia, Alaska, and Seattle. Thanks, dudes. That rocks.
So my movie marathonage continues in order to keep myself distracted from eating everything in the house and/or beating myself with a shoe until sufficient brain damage occurs so I don't even notice the weather anymore.
Last night I watched Fin Août, Début Septembre. I found it to be a fairly typical French character piece with some questionable editing, but since Mathieu Amalric was a very cute pup 10 years ago, it was worth the viewing for me. He was excellent in it, but it could possibly be wearing on anyone else who doesn't share my penchant for offbeat acteurs français.
Tonight I watched Look Both Ways. LOVED THIS FILM. I'm not even sure how it ended up on my queue, if by Netflix rec or if I found it in the paper during the year-end Best Of movie lists. It's a wonderful little film. I wasn't too sure about it at first because it's basically about people with various problems, and I typically don't like wah-wah-kvetching movies, but this wasn't like that all. And it's an Australian film, so the bonus is that you don't get a subtitle headache from it! It's one of those films that makes you lament that more films aren't made like it.
And now I must finish laundry. Oh yes, turn green with your envy of me!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
